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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to object to the form of address that dd's grandfather (FIL) has chosen for himself?

128 replies

EyeballsintheSky · 26/04/2008 19:40

Just to clarify, I am pretty sure I am BU but I just wanted to see if I was right. I don't want to be!

FIL has decided he wants to be called Papa. DH and I hate it with a passion. I think it's poncy and is something more suited to fathers than grandfathers anyway. DH hates it because it originated with the mother (his brother's wife) of his 4 year old niece and is therefore, her name for him not dd's.

DH has taken it up with his mother and was told it was up to them, not us.

I should point out that dd is only 15 weeks and, when asked, professed no preference either way.

What d'you think?

OP posts:
willow · 26/04/2008 21:22

The generational thing strikes a chord - my evil step monster (who, quite clearly, is doing all she can to fight ageing) get DS to refer to her as Auntie XXXX. My lovely step-father is quite happy to accept his age and goes with grandpa.

soph28 · 26/04/2008 21:28

My nieces both call their grandpas 'papa' - one is Scottish, one is not. My dc's call both of theirs Grandpa but dd (21mths) can't say it and has started saying 'papa' instead.

I don't find it that posh or offensive. Don't see why it matters that much but it is up to you.

ComeOVeneer · 26/04/2008 21:28

My children have 4 grandparents (wierd names given below) and 3 great granparents and a step greatgrandparent, and a surrogate great granmother (one greatgrandmother just had her 99th birthday)

popsycal · 26/04/2008 21:29

Paretns in law are Nana Firstname and Grandad Firstname. My parents are Grandma and Grandad Firstname.

Their first names were not originally attached but ds1, aged about 2, took it upon himself to start calling FIL by his first name, then MIL decided she wanted her first name added too. Then the boys added my dad's first name on. Grandma is just Grandma.

popsycal · 26/04/2008 21:30

Oh yes and they did have 2 great grandparents until a few years ago. To confuse matters ds1 named them 'The town they lived in' Nana and 'The town they lived in' grandad.

Not literally of course

SmoothandWilkie · 26/04/2008 21:34

Think you are being mean. Does it really affect you that much that you cant humour them and let him decide what he wants to be called?? Why does it bother you so much???

We let M&D/PILs choose what they wanted to be called. We have grandma and grandad (M&D) and Nana and Grandpa (PIL) - although 15mo DS can only say 'Paa-paa' for Grandpa so I think it has stuck!

Fizzylemonade · 26/04/2008 21:48

My Mum didnt want to have the same name as her MIL so she is Grandma and her first name whereas my PIL are just Grandma and Grandad

I would be horrified at Papa, to me it is a "father" name not a Grandfather name.

What about "Grandpapa" that would be a compromise.

pointydog · 26/04/2008 21:51

Does it really matter what a grandparent wants to be called?

No it doesn't. How could anyone really be 'horrifed' at a grandparent's chosen name.

TheSlightestTeuch · 26/04/2008 21:52

I'lljust echo what others are saying about children developing a name of their own invention...

We tried to have 'grandpa'...we get 'pampa', even now he can pronounce it perfectly, he chooses not to.

He also understands that his Pampa is his cousin's Grandad. I think he likes that he has pet names.

My youngest brother called all of out GP's by their first names

TheSlightestTeuch · 26/04/2008 21:53

I say, give them this 'decision' or it will always be brought up against you...

LyraSilvertongue · 26/04/2008 21:54

Ultimately it's up to them.
My mum chose to be called Nana. I didn't like it but didn't really have much choice. I think she wanted something that didn't contain 'gran'

BigBadMouse · 26/04/2008 22:00

Really only read OP and just skimmed the rest but I was pretty um.....objectional...when my father wanted my DCs to call him 'Sir'...wtf???????

and yes, he was being serious

LittlePeanut · 26/04/2008 22:09

When my mum said she wanted to be called "nana" I just sort of grimaced and said "isn't that a bit poncey?" (we have always had plain old "nanny") so she relented and she is now nanny.

Thing is, I feel really bad about it now. I no longer think "nana" is poncey - in fact it is much easier to find cards for "nana" than "nanny"! I just wish I hadn't been so precious and just let her have her own choice. The more I think about it, the more selfish I feel!

P.S. I really do hate "papa" though, so I completely sympathise!

LittlePeanut · 26/04/2008 22:12

SIR?????

OMFG that is weird.

nooka · 26/04/2008 22:13

I'm afraid that unless you have the first grandchild there is nothing you can do about it as the naming has already happened. I'd feel wierd about Papa as that's my father's name (I have a Mama and a Papa (pronounced mumma and puppa)). My father's family were very formal and known as Grandmama and Grandpapa - pronounced the posh way, but my mother didn't want to go that way. I was quite keen on her being Granny (which is what she called her grandmother) but she wasn't keen at all, in fact because of some quite complicated family dynamics they never got a proper grandparent name and have remained Mama and Papa to all the grandchildren too. A bit weird, but they we are, as has been said it is their choice. After all I am assuming no one is telling you what you children will be calling you?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 26/04/2008 22:14

Ugh, we have a similar thing going on, my mil wants to be called "gu" (pronounced like ghee, the indian butter!) it's welsh, comes from mam-gu, grandmother. My objection is that I just cannot pronounce it! I'm from another part of wales where gu is pronounced differently (guh, like "ugh") and to say it like ghee just seems so weird I can't do it without practising it in my head a few times.

I want to call her grandma but apparently she hates it, so I end up not calling her anything at all: "oh ds, do you want to go for a cuddle with er, um... here you go!"

imho papa for a grandad is a bit pretentious, but if it makes him happy I spose it's not the end of the world, at least you can pronounced it!

nappyaddict · 26/04/2008 22:15

tbh most children will call their GPs what the other children in the family call them. it makes sense for them to be called one thing by everyone imo.

Alderney · 26/04/2008 22:16

We had a similar issue - my DH's nephew grew up calling DH's Mum "Nunnie" (Well, Nannie but with a definate "uh")..

When our DD1 was born, we received a card signed from Nunnie but that seemed so personal a name to DH's nephew that we thought it was a bit uncomfortable to use it.

So since then she has been Grannie to my girls..

kittywise · 26/04/2008 22:20

When I started having kids both grandmothers had very firm ideas on what they wanted to be called.

However as soon as he could talk ds1 just referred to them as particular names. It bore no relation to the word grandmother, granny whatever. My MIL is called mo and my mum Gimm. Why, I have no idea . Of course all the other children call them that
My MIL had decided that she wanted to be called "grandmother" fgs. She's quite happy with mo though

eemie · 26/04/2008 22:21

W of Scotland again - papa rhymes with grappa (nana rhymes with manna) and they're not posh or pretentious - the opposite in fact.

Squonk, my Mum wanted Grandie as well (rhymes with handy) - never ever heard of anyone else using it - do you know where it comes from?

nappyaddict · 26/04/2008 22:24

My mum is mimi. She is meant to be grandma but ds calls her mimi. i only found out yesterday mimi is actually a common grandparent name like nanny, nana, grandma, granny so think we might just keep it rather than trying to encourage him to say grandma.

pantiesandsussies · 26/04/2008 22:25

Grandie is in a Barbara Taylor Bradford book. It's also what one of my Grans was called.

Original poster
EyeballsintheSky · 26/04/2008 22:31

Wow, this took off in my absence!

SmoothandWilkie, i don't think I've come across as mean - DH brought it up with his mother off his own bat, I wasn't even there.

It bothers me only in so far as I think it's poncy (take point about it being popular in Scotland, but he isn't Scottish). I wouldn't stop him using it. In my OP I accepted that I probably was being unreasonable. I posted because DH told his mother that we'd put it to the MN jury. He's well trained! Anyway, you don't take on my MIL unless you've got a death wish!

OP posts:
Blu · 26/04/2008 22:31

How many enraged threads are there about ILs (outrageously) wishing to impose a name on the child?

Reverse the concept - why should they have names imposed on them?

They may be taking pre-emptive action - many toddlers evolve a name for them which is awful - I have seen it happen!

Original poster
EyeballsintheSky · 26/04/2008 22:34

On further investigation, it seems DH had a Dinny and Baba and a Granny (aka Monster!) and Gamp.

I obviously had a sheltered childhood with two nannies and grandads!

I had no idea there was such variation. You're all very inventive...

OP posts:
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