AIBU to not forgive family members? TW: CSA

[Throwaway22223333]

I’ll try to give an overview of what happened without too many telling details but trying not to drip feed. I’m really struggling to get perspective on this and obviously people close to me are very involved and therefore biased.

A few years ago (as an adult) I reported historical CSA by an uncle to the police. The police took the case to trial and he was actually convicted. At the time of the CSA he was married to my mother’s sister, they divorced a few years later for supposedly unrelated reasons (I don’t really know).

Some family members who I was previously very close with did not believe me (even as an adult). They actively assisted his defence lawyers with his defence during the trial, gave evidence against me and even once the jury found him guilty believed that he was wrongfully convicted. They gave evidence and information to humiliate me and discredit me in court, all banded together and gave evidence of particular things I know aren’t true and suspect they deliberately lied about to assist his case. I believe their belief was along the lines that I was delusional/crazy/mistaken rather than flat out lying - not sure which is worse tbh.

anyway, after his conviction 2 further victims came forward (that I was unaware of before then) and the whole thing unravelled. They now realise they were in the wrong and have been deeply apologetic (to their credit) but I haven’t engaged with them at all so haven’t really unpacked everything that happened.

some years have passed and I know other members of the family (who did support me) have reconciled with them and would like me to as well. I’m still not sure that I can even speak to them let alone envisage a future where we have a loving or trusting relationship.

I’m wondering if others feel that they could forgive this? Or have been in this situation before?

YABU - I would forgive them
YANBU - I wouldn’t be able to

I would find it very hard to forgive them

NEVER. Pricks.

I wouldn't forgive them at all - it's one thing for them to silently not believe you but to actively lie in court along with trying to discredit you is beyond forgiveness in my opinion.

Everyone involved should accept your decision on this one, no questions asked- even if life would be better for them of everyone was reconciled. This is all on them, not you.

Were they your cousins, the children of the defendant? Then it's understandable they wanted to believe the best of him. Random relatives? I wouldn't forgive and forget.

ultimately it is your decision and only you know how you feel about it but I couldn't imagine to forgive such a betrayal of trust. From some things there is just no coming back.

nobody should pressure you towards anything. That's awful.

@Throwaway22223333 they perjured themselves in crt to try and protect a pedophile, whilst actively trying to prevent you from getting justice and potentially allowing him to abuse other children.
Their behaviour was reprehensible and I could never forgive them let alone trust them to protect any children they have access to

Absolutely not, under any circumstances.

The deliberately lying and humiliating you would be the reason.

Some people find this stuff hard to believe and that is their choice.

But they lied and made shit up and obviously made something that was horrendously difficult for you, harder.

No I would never ever have anything to do with them again.
Their apology would mean jack shit to me and those that chose to forgive them, I would put distance between them too.

I am so sorry that your bravery was treated so poorly by people that chose to lie.

I really hope it isn't your parents that have chosen to forgive as that would be absolutely disgusting.

I could never ever forgive anyone who would hurt my precious children.

Please do not put yourself under pressure to forgive anyone and associate with them.

Sadly I've seen in a lot of families,

The adults believing the adult over the child.

As it would cause more disruption in their life, if the adult was found at fault.

I am you. Never ever forgive. Sending you strength and pride for speaking out.

I would find it very hard indeed to forgive that behaviour, in my case my younger cousin and I were both abused by the same family member and her sister would not believe it and cut us off from that side of the family and has continued to spite me, in refusing to carry out her deceased mother's wishes to me and forbidding me from her funeral. I want to be able to forgive her, but she has been so cruel I cannot, and all the stuff around my aunt's death is too raw still.

I wouldn't forgive them. If they had thought he was innocent - fair enough - but going out of their way to discredit you & lie. I couldn't forgive that.

I would Never forgive them

it’s not like they took sides in a divorce and gossiped that you were a crazy wife / had an affair / your roast dinners were shite

this was a court case that had serious consequences for you, and child safety there are other victims that still haven’t emerged they purgered themselves

No,I would never ever forgive them.
They behaved despicably with all their lies in court.They may have apologised but they should never be forgiven.

Yes including his children, my cousins. One of which I was extremely close with and considered me a sister…
and others who had less ties to him. I do believe he manipulated them and obviously lied to them, but my sympathy for that is quite limited. The investigation up to the trial took over 2 years so they really had a lot of time to process and make their decisions on how they were going to participate in court

I wouldn’t forgive. Have they made any effort to reach out to you or shown any contrition? It sounds like the ones who have forgiven just want a more comfortable environment for themselves.

I couldn't forgive them actively lying in a court of law to discredit myself and my testimony.

If you think about it, they also criminally offended against you, in doing so.

Nope. Fuck 'em. And the horse they rode in on, buddy.

They actively assisted his defence lawyers with his defence during the trial, gave evidence against me and even once the jury found him guilty believed that he was wrongfully convicted.

Hard no to ever connecting with them in any way again.

I feel some compassion as they were probably groomed and manipulated as well. But they tried to get your abuser off. I wouldn't be able to see them again.

Tell the flying monkeys that you won't be discussing it unless you bring it up again. They are to respect your decisions.

@LimeLime Im sorry that happened to you and your family are still being unkind. I hope you have some family supporting you too

I think this changes things. It's understandable that they believed him and not you.

Not in a million years would i forgive them.

No, they perjured themselves to try to protect a man they believed was innocent.

i’d find it hard to forgive, but they weren’t trying to protect a paedophile (even though that’s what they were in fact doing)

@Penguinmouse Yes I had a letter from one family member (not my cousins) that was deeply apologetic for what had happened to me and for not believing me, however, didn’t really address the things said about me in and out of court and that they were a witness for the defence.

Their actions went way beyond forgiveness imo. Think about it this way....had the other two victims not come out.....they still wouldn't have believed you, they still would have thought you were delusional/confused.

Yes it was their father being accused, so I understand how they might be hesitant to believe you. But they had the option to keep quiet and let the evidence play out in court. Instead they actively decided to commit a criminal offence by lying in a trial to get the result they wanted. Even if it meant they risked putting other children at risk in the community, if he so happened to be found innocent and was released.

They are liars, and don't mind putting other children at risk, if it serves them right.

If they kept quiet and didn't get involved or say anything, then it would be valid to forgive. Since it was their own father they have a bias to believe him.

But they lied and tried to deny you of the justice you deserve and endangered other community members/children, by trying to stop him from going jail.

Tbh, I would question the character and integrity of the family members who still talk to them. Out of order imo.

I am truly sorry for what happened to you.
While I'm sure some people will say it's cathartic, healing etc... to forgive them, for me I wouldn't be able to.
You were an abused child, you went through the hell of a court case as an adult, and throughout all that they stuck by him... And they LIED in court to try get him off 😡
So No, I wouldn't forgive them, or ever talk to them again.

Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to find it extremely difficult to believe that their parent could be capable of terrible crimes, so I'd try not to take it personally. It was easier or less painful to believe their parent, and they might have behaved in the same way if one of their own siblings had been the one making the accusation.

However, it's not for anyone but you to decide whether or not you can forgive them. It's understandable that you may not want to be around them again, and people shouldn't be pushing you.

Edited to add: I missed that you think they deliberately lied. That's the part I'd find most difficult to forgive, so no, YANBU to not want to spend time with them, under the circumstances.