AIBU to not forgive family members? TW: CSA

[Throwaway22223333]

I’ll try to give an overview of what happened without too many telling details but trying not to drip feed. I’m really struggling to get perspective on this and obviously people close to me are very involved and therefore biased.

A few years ago (as an adult) I reported historical CSA by an uncle to the police. The police took the case to trial and he was actually convicted. At the time of the CSA he was married to my mother’s sister, they divorced a few years later for supposedly unrelated reasons (I don’t really know).

Some family members who I was previously very close with did not believe me (even as an adult). They actively assisted his defence lawyers with his defence during the trial, gave evidence against me and even once the jury found him guilty believed that he was wrongfully convicted. They gave evidence and information to humiliate me and discredit me in court, all banded together and gave evidence of particular things I know aren’t true and suspect they deliberately lied about to assist his case. I believe their belief was along the lines that I was delusional/crazy/mistaken rather than flat out lying - not sure which is worse tbh.

anyway, after his conviction 2 further victims came forward (that I was unaware of before then) and the whole thing unravelled. They now realise they were in the wrong and have been deeply apologetic (to their credit) but I haven’t engaged with them at all so haven’t really unpacked everything that happened.

some years have passed and I know other members of the family (who did support me) have reconciled with them and would like me to as well. I’m still not sure that I can even speak to them let alone envisage a future where we have a loving or trusting relationship.

I’m wondering if others feel that they could forgive this? Or have been in this situation before?

YABU - I would forgive them
YANBU - I wouldn’t be able to

Nailed it.

Hard NO.
They perjured themselves in court. I would have some sympathy if they just didn't believe it could be true if their dad. But to actually go to court and lie about you.
Fuck them & the horse they rode in I . Bastards.
Glad he's jailed.

I might be able to process and let go of negative feelings towards them as part of my own healing, but I would not ever want them in my life again. Noone who cares about you would expect it of you either.

Not a chance ,not one single chance .
And I'd not see anyone who put pressure on me to have a relationship with them either

The cousins haven’t apologised. The letter was from a more distant family member. It could be true the your cousins were abused and manipulated themselves. I would say definitely manipulated but we don’t know about abused.

As for the letter, I can understand your rage that nothing has been said in the letter about anyone perjuring themselves. The person, who sent this letter is first and foremost protecting themself. If they were to admit to what they did in court, you could use this as evidence, which could lead to a court case and potential custodial sentence. They already know you have taken your abuser to court and are not afraid of this process.

That doesn’t really help you to process further what happened. But what they are telling you is that they would rather protect themself than admit the truth. They could have said something along the lines of: ‘I would like to say more about the court case and perhaps I will be given the opportunity one day to speak to you personally about this. I am deeply ashamed of my actions before, during and after trial and truly sorry that what I said caused you so much pain and suffering.’ This would at least have been an acknowledgment of their part in your continued abuse without giving you any concrete evidence to start any legal proceedings against them.

Instead of thinking about the true impact of everything that was done to you, you’ve been left feeling angered and unheard once again. And your cousins still have not acknowledged their part in your abuse.

No I would not be letting this slide. I can understand why you do not want these people back in your life. The situation is too toxic and unhealthy for you.

I think it would be incorrect to expect the letter to contain rvery needed apology and would take that letter as s start of the apology and also start of communication. I would suggest that you respond with the fact that you appreciate the letter but you find it difficult because they didn't believe you, didn't want to believe you, instead of your uncle, and everything constantly reminds you of what they said in court and outside of court. If they respond with 'I have aologised' then drop and ghost them. If they still want contact make it clear that you were so let down by them and others that this has to be done at your pace...
Just want to make sure, are you currently seeking counselling and on my medication?
You must put yourself first. They weren't SA, you were.

OP I am so sorry for everything you have gone through.

Could you clarify- in your original post you say you "suspect they deliberately lied" - is there a possibility they didn't and they just remember things differently/ more favourably for their father? I only ask as most the comments have taken as fact that they deliberately lied, even though you didnt say that so definitively in your original post.

I do see why someone might choose to believe their father over their cousin. I don’t think that makes any difference to whether you should forgive them, though. Them having a strong incentive to do it doesn’t change the impact on you of their betrayal and lack of trust.

Even if you can find it in your heart to let go of the hurt and damage they did to you (and I don’t think you’re obliged to do that at all), you shouldn’t forget. You couldn’t really trust them again. As far as you’re concerned, they lied about you in a criminal investigation - that capacity for deceit, the lack of integrity, the ruthlessness with which they fought their father’s corner at your expense, isn’t something it’s sensible to forget.

I agree with @Yazzi that it's possible their memories deceived them rather than that they were deliberately lying. It's extraordinary how two people can remember the same incident completely differently. That still doesn't mean you have to forgive them though.

No I wouldn’t forgive that, they would be out of my life for good. It’s easier for the other family members to reconcile because it was not them that was lied about and discredited in court.
Even though it was his children, for me I would be just tarring them with the same brush. Their dad is an abuser and his kids are lying smear campaigners.
Its unforgivable. After a relationship being smashed by them like that, nope that would be the end for me.

I need to say that forgiveness is everything to do with you and how you feel. That means, it is personally freeing to try let go of the pain and anger they caused you. Is it satisfying that they now acknowledge the truth? Yes. Do you owe them a relationship? No. Do they deserve your forgiveness? I cannot answer that, but you deserve to be free of your feelings of anger and pain.

Personally, I struggled with forgiveness, still do, but it helps me move forward. It frees me to let the pain go. As much as I can, I have made my own peace with the people who denied anything ever happened, who called me a liar. I have nothing to prove to them, and so I also no longer spend so much time ruminating and feeling so angry with them. Nor do I have any contact with them. If they did contact me, I imagine I would just ignore it.

I can't answer this because I don't know. Their behavior sounds absolutely beyond acceptable. What happened and the fallout is an awful situation for everyone. Primarily for you of course. If they were manipulated and are genuinely sorry, you might feel some sort of peace by forgiving them. I just don't know if I could, not really.

It’s not anyone else’s place to tell you to reconcile. You were retraumatised by them, even if their denial is ‘understandable’ as his children. It’s good they have realised they were wrong and I’m sure that realisation has been traumatic for them, but you’re not unreasonable for your feelings in all of this.

Its unforgivable really. It would be one thing if they'd stood up and told a factual account of what they knew but they've lied they could have got him off! It's awful.

This really. Also even if you did want to forgive them its not as simple as that is it. You can't just flick a switch and forget all the shit they put you through.

What do you mean she might find some sort of peace?? How is she ever going to be at peace with these people ever again?

Absolutely not!

Thanks all this is really helpful and validating actually. I will try to answer some questions. I give up trying to hide identifying information now, if they read this they would know it’s about them but doubt they would. Those who gave evidence were my aunt (abusers ex wife and mother of his children/my cousins) and my cousins (his children). Other family friends supported him and provided character references.

the reason I believe they lied is because the different charges were based on 4 different rooms I slept in my aunt/uncles house. All 3 of them gave evidence that I never slept in 3 out of 4 of those rooms - which I definitely did. I find it very hard to believe that all of them remember the same thing - that I didn’t sleep in those rooms ever which then helped his case. In the end, it actually prevented him from being convicted of those charges relating to those rooms because they created enough doubt. He was still convicted for a majority of the charges anyway though but unfortunately didn’t get jail time (unbelievable right). I obviously don’t know what they did or didn’t remember, but as I said I find it very hard to believe it wasn’t deliberate because it was all to his advantage as well. And if they had remembered it differently (or neutrally I suppose) they may have been witnesses for the prosecution rather than the defence. I know that my aunt at least refused to speak to the police during the investigation without a lawyer.

the defence also got into some medical information about me as a child which I think must have come from my aunt - that was extremely humiliating. She also told the defence that I was “a highly intelligent child with no friends” which I feel was to make me out to be some kind of manipulative psycho??

I have had EMDR therapy for the trauma of the abuse and the trial. It has done wonders and now I am in a good place but have obviously cut these people out and so sort of don’t deal with it regularly until it comes to family events etc. my husband is very supportive and obviously extremely furious with them as well but will act in accordance with how I decide to deal with them. I feel like it’s taken me a few years after the trial just to feel like I can take a breath. I feel like dealing with them is digging a lot of emotions up actually and I’m not sure if it’s worth it I guess. I wanted the perspective because obviously my husband/friends can’t fathom forgiving them. It is my mum who has and would like me to try to sort things out with them because now there is a huge rift in the family.

I grieved my relationships with them the minute they said they didn’t believe it was true. So I guess I’ve had a few years jump start on them because they didn’t realise they were in the wrong until after the trial.

No. I wouldn't. The only reason for opening back up communication would be if it was cathartic for you.

It sounds like the only people it would be good for is your mother and them.

You are not a support human for these people, they need to live with their betrayal.

May god forgive your mother for asking you to forgive them.

How on earth could any loving parent do such a thing?

How dare she.
How fxxking dare she.

Please consider stepping very far back from your mother.
She has misplaced loyalty and is a disgrace.

Do not doubt yourself.
Have nothing to do with them.
Particularly your aunt.
Shame on your supposed mother.
Shame on her.
She should be filled with guilt that her sisters husband did this.
Not asking for you to forgive his family who colluded to discredit you.

Well done for your bravery.
Think only of yourself and not that selfish mother of yours.

You're not in the wrong at all. Even if they took themselves to the police to admit perjury I still couldn't forgive that. As others have said it is one thing to stay silent, but quite another to be as active as they were which was instrumental to his defence.

I've no doubt there is a rift in the family but that hasn't been caused by you. Yes they now want to reconcile but with all the sacrifice/concessions/pain being borne by you and without them actually taking accountability. A sorry we didn't know at this stage doesn't cut it. He has a lenient sentence because they lied for him.

Your mum (and others) need to respect your boundaries. You're the victim here and you were victimised again.

To not believe you is one thing but to stand up in court and lie about you is the one thing I couldn’t forgive.

they are of course going to back their parent in this (most children wouldn’t believe their parent is capable of this heinous crime) but to make up lies about you is unforgivable.

It is sad there is a rift in your family. It was caused by your uncle, and cemented by your aunt and cousins.

Your mum is allowing her feelings to override the most important issue here which is your safety and welfare- and these people challenge that.

You must protect yourself first.

I agree with this.

I would never forgive them. I'm sorry you had to go through this xx💐