AIBU to not forgive family members? TW: CSA

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I’ll try to give an overview of what happened without too many telling details but trying not to drip feed. I’m really struggling to get perspective on this and obviously people close to me are very involved and therefore biased.

A few years ago (as an adult) I reported historical CSA by an uncle to the police. The police took the case to trial and he was actually convicted. At the time of the CSA he was married to my mother’s sister, they divorced a few years later for supposedly unrelated reasons (I don’t really know).

Some family members who I was previously very close with did not believe me (even as an adult). They actively assisted his defence lawyers with his defence during the trial, gave evidence against me and even once the jury found him guilty believed that he was wrongfully convicted. They gave evidence and information to humiliate me and discredit me in court, all banded together and gave evidence of particular things I know aren’t true and suspect they deliberately lied about to assist his case. I believe their belief was along the lines that I was delusional/crazy/mistaken rather than flat out lying - not sure which is worse tbh.

anyway, after his conviction 2 further victims came forward (that I was unaware of before then) and the whole thing unravelled. They now realise they were in the wrong and have been deeply apologetic (to their credit) but I haven’t engaged with them at all so haven’t really unpacked everything that happened.

some years have passed and I know other members of the family (who did support me) have reconciled with them and would like me to as well. I’m still not sure that I can even speak to them let alone envisage a future where we have a loving or trusting relationship.

I’m wondering if others feel that they could forgive this? Or have been in this situation before?

YABU - I would forgive them
YANBU - I wouldn’t be able to

We will have to agree to disagree on that 1 I'm afraid. He may have been their dad but they knew what he was charged with and still chose to lie to defend him. They knew exactly what they were doing

I could sympathise that they were manipulated and that people don't want to believe someone close to them especially a parent is capable of CSA. Possibly even one day forgive depending on the circumstances.

But lying in court to assist someone in getting away with it is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. I don't know that I could ever get past it. The sad thing is it took more victims to come forward before they would believe what he had done and your word wasn't enough. Truly awful and I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.

As @rainingcatsanddawgs says, they could have just said what they knew to be true in court but they didn't, they lied and tried to make you out to be an awful person and shunned you even when he was found guilty. I know no one wants to believe their DF is a sex offender but they would have gone on disbelieving you if the other victims hadn't come forward.
If your cousins approached you directly and with a genuine heartfelt apology that might be different but they're hoping that other family will convince you to forgive them, to me that's still trying to sweep it under the carpet. In your place that wouldn't be enough for me Op

If they lied in the trial and yet he was still found guilty, then were they not prosecuted for perjury?

Just as you have to live with the lifelong impact of his actions, they must learn to live with the impact of theirs.
You do not owe them forgiveness.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. Lying to protect your uncle and defame you is weapons-grade betrayal. I wouldn't forgive them if hell froze over and the devil went ice skating.

The fact that they didn’t address what was said about you doesn’t really show that they have been truly accountable. Taking someone to court to try and get justice is brutal enough without being discredited by the lies of others. That is another form of dehumanization and kicking you while you are down. You must have been so strong to get through this! I’m so proud of you!

If people were always guilty of what they were charged with, we could abandon trials altogether and save the justice system a lot of money.

Utterly meaningless IMO.

They perjured themselves.

Who in your family has chosen to "forgive"🙄 a heinous crime that wasn't even against them?

No, OP. Those people want your forgiveness to make themselves feel better about what they did. They do not deserve any acknowledgement from you, let alone forgiveness.

Forgive? Possibly, yes, in the sense that I wouldn't hate them, wish them harm, ignore if they were on fire etc.

However, there would be no relationship ever or trust. If enough years pass I might bring myself to say hello/be civil at a big gathering.

Support? Perhaps. But lie outrageously in court in a manner intended to humiliate the OP? Nope nope nope.

Absolutely not.

To quietly not believe you out of loyalty to their Dad would be one thing but to actively plot against you, even to lie in court? Not a fucking chance would I ever willingly be in the same room again as people who would do that.

I haven’t voted because I don’t know whether I could forgive and more to the point, whether I would want to.

I would be deeply hurt by their behaviour and lies. You were brave to come forward and deserved their support.

There’s no rush to make any decisions, any reconciliation would need to take place on your terms and at your pace.

And congratulations on coming forward and getting your conviction!

So they're expecting you to put aside your own feelings and put other people's feelings first, so they can feel less guilty and everyone can play happy families.

No one gets to decide how someone else should feel about something, especially in a situation like this, and especially when it would only benefit them, not you. They're being selfish.

They believed him and thought you lied. As they were his kids, I could forgive that.

Then they lied about you and him in court. No, can’t forgive that.

They thought you lied and that made it ok to lie about you.

You actually know they lied.

I couldn't forgive your cousins.

I suspect that they're finding it very difficult to forget what they've done, hence the attempts to get you to play happy families because if you can forgive them then they can forgive themselves. Image how they must feel every time they come across a news item, tv programme, drama etc that deals with sexual abuse and the effects on the victims. It's not for you to ease their consciences, they must live with their actions. Look after yourself, you deserve better.

They had the option to believe him and stay out of the court proceedings.

I have seen this determined campaign to ‘save him’ because it’s possible, likely even, that they have also been abused op. It’s possible the entire family are in denial, and or covering up for the perpetrator. Abused children will often do anything for their parent rather than face the truth. It’s a defence mechanism, to protect themselves mainly.

To other people it is unfathomable.

I would acknowledge the apology if I wanted to, and would never have them in my life again. How could you trust them? Or even look at them after what they have done? Do what you need to do to have peace of mind, whatever that looks like. You are so brave op. 🕊️

Agree with all of this. You can have a degree of understanding that they may have been vulnerable and manipulated themselves and wanted to believe or please an abuser parent, without absolving them of what they did.

You certainly don’t owe them forgiveness, do whatever is best for you.

I have popped back in to say that the reason I didn’t proceed with pressing charges against my familial abuser was because of the number of family members who were willing to discredit me. They were all entirely convinced that I was batshit crazy, attention-seeking and attempting to discredit a “promising young man”…. Later on, when the same relatives wanted me to support their claims against him when their daughters reported the same things I was utterly gobsmacked. I couldn’t believe that they had the gall to claim that I owed it to them. It basically re-traumatised me and I was in no fit state to do anything, but of course was guilt-ridden and furious at the same time.

I’m in a half similar position OP, except mine was a family friend who half my family sided with and when my abuser died half the family went to his funeral and grieved for him.

difference is they aren’t sorry at all (even though like your case, there are more victims too) but even if they were, I could never ever forgive them for how they’ve treated me and the hurt they’ve caused. My grandmother tries to bring them up in casual conversation and it really angers me and triggers me sometimes too.

I would forgive their actions...as it affects your inner peace to hold on to that negativity....but I voted YANBU because I would not have those people in my life in any shape or form.

They didn't just try to protect him, they blamed and lied about you in order to do it. I would never have anything to do with them ever again.

OP, I am sorry for what you have been through. You have been so brave. You need to protect yourself and do whatever is most helpful for your own mental health and wellbeing. Not what would be convenient for someone else.