To show DH's friend and friend's new woman what I think of them?

[Anonycat]

My DH has a hobby that I don’t share, which is fine. His hobby friends, male and female, form quite a big part of our socialising, with partners. I do often find this quite tedious as they tend to talk obsessively about the hobby, but DH enjoys it and I formed a good relationship with another "hobby widow", a woman a bit older than me (in her 50s) and we always got together at social events to chat about other stuff.

This woman, Anna, and her partner Bill were very kind to another woman I didn’t previously know, Claire, who was in an abusive relationship. Anna and Bill helped Claire leave her abusive husband and let her stay with them for a couple of months while she sorted out a new home for herself. Then Claire left for this new home - and Bill went with her. This came as a complete bombshell to Anna, who was devastated and said she had had no suspicion anything was going on.

Anna and Bill had been together for about 15 years. They had no children together but Bill had a child from a previous relationship. In the early years Anna had given Bill money to support this child, then a teenager, and recently gave a lot of support to the young man and his wife with newborn twins.

I think both Bill and Claire have treated Anna appallingly. I appreciate that no-one really knows what goes on in other people's relationships, and perhaps it was right for them to split up, but I feel strongly about the way it was done.

My problem is that Bill now brings Claire to all the social events to which Anna previously came, as if he has just done a swap, and she chats and laughs as if she hasn’t a care in the world, and expects me to respond likewise. Bill knows how I feel because he asked my DH if DH and I would like to go round for a meal with them and DH told him he knew I wouldn't do that. So far I have just avoided Claire and Bill as much as I can, and been polite but distant, and said as little as possible, but this is getting increasingly difficult to sustain. DH agrees that they treated Anna very badly but just wants to let it go, and carry on as before. He wants me to keep going to the events with him but says my coldness is noticeable and embarrasses him and is getting ridiculous. But even being coldly polite to them makes me feel disloyal to Anna (who I still meet occasionally, and who is still very unhappy).

What should I do?
YABU - these things happen, move on and stop giving Bill and Claire a hard time.
YANBU - in solidarity with Anna you should stop going to the social events or continue barely speaking to Bill and Claire. If they or your DH don’t like it, tough.

Lifeisarealchallenge, I wouldn't care if they did have a reason to complain!!!

Meh I wouldn't want anything to do with them either. Horrible people. Just don't see them anymore. It's your choice. DH can go on his own.

The terrible thing here is that the ow moved into the couples home!
Apart from that… it’s an issue as old as time. You either smile and nod but don’t engage, or you don’t attend anymore. I would not let the actions of a low down person dictate my actions. So I’d keep going. I’d reassure my friend that I have problem keeping a rigid no go zone for friendship with the both parties… it’s not only the ow that has behaved with morals of an alley cat.

im with you OP. In fact I’d be telling your husband that the fact he is willing to sweep it aside and go along with it all embarrasses YOU. I can’t stand people like this on all counts and I’d never let it go and play nice either. Not ever.

Usually I would recommend the staying out of other people's business but this is pretty extreme. If Bill&Anna's marriage was so terrible it's strange it managed to last so long until a younger alternative literally moved into his house. Bill could have moved out at any point himself, (and even got together with Claire at a later date) I'm sure Anna would still have been upset but not so betrayed - how can she even stand to live in her house wondering what they'd got up to in each room, whether they were laughing about her etc.

Similarly I never usually blame 'the other woman,' but treating someone who has helped you out to such an extent - wow. Yes Claire was in an abusive relationship but that doesn't automatically mean she's a lovely person - horrible people can be abused too!

I agree with @toomuchfaff - even if you weren't doing it to side with Anna specifically why would you want to be friends with two such unpleasant people?

Your DH presumably wouldn't expect you to be friendly to people who were extremely rude, or racist, or sexist - this is similar. You have a solid reason not to like them, and you don't have to be friendly to people you don't like. If you want to keep going to these events (tbh they sound boring as fuck if all they talk about is a hobby you don't do), then 'coolly polite' is fine and DH should be grateful you're not telling them exactly what you think of them. If you don't want to keep going I'd limit how often I attended and if DH wanted me to attend a special event (e.g. christmas party) I'd say it was up to him whether he got 'coolly polite' or complete absence, no other option.

low self esteem doesn't mean you don't know right from wrong. I don't care what you've gone through, having sex with someone's husband (very likely in their own house, it seems unlikely they waited until Claire moved out to ever sleep together), when she has helped you far beyond most people would, is absolute scumbag behaviour.

Of course Bill is MORE in the wrong, but excusing Claire completely because of her past relationship is insulting to all DV victims - it infantilises them to suggest they don't have a mind or morals of their own. She still has a choice and she chose to repay kindness with cruelty. Being a victim of DV doesn't automatically mean poor innocent sweetheart - horrible people can be victims too!

No one should live the life of a martyr. Clearly Bill could have handled this so much better, but he shouldn’t stay in a relationship that isn’t making him happy.

Do avoid them and not go, but not because of Anna, because of how you feel. Some pepole are of the thought that they can impose their morals on the world, because it is not our business. And they are right, it is not our business, it is theirs. Still, they cannot impose their choices in life over us. What they have done feels extremely disloyal to you and to me and you do not have to put up with having a not so good time for their sake.

No wonder society is so degraded when this is the attitute people take. Personally, if I know people who engage in disgusting behaviour, I ostracise them, and if I'm forced by circumstances to interact with them, they will leave our interaction feeling ashamed of themselves and in no doubt that I consider myself to be better than them. If people are not shamed for behaving in such a low manner, they will never pull themselves up and make themselves worthy of interacting with decent people again.

I don't believe in holding back and in a social situation would make it clear that I don't condone the actions of a deceitful man and his strumpet.

And perfectly nice people also have affairs. One in five British adults have had one. Do you actually think fully one fifth of British people are immoral semi-demons with horns peeping through their hair?

I absolutely get that it’s very hurtful, but I don’t think there’s any point in pretending it’s not also pretty widespread behaviour.

The statistics are pretty similar for British adults who struggle with literacy, have been refused credit in the past calendar year, have had to take time off work because of workplace stress, or are economically inactive and not looking for work, for comparison.

https://d3nkl3psvxxpe9.cloudfront.net/documents/SunResults_150518_affairs_W.pdf

Well done for having a backbone, OP.

Totally agree.

People who think like this are selfish twats.

Bill is nothing short of a cunt who didn't have the balls to even face potential 'issues' in his relationship, just ran off with a needy tramp.

Stealing someone else's man because you've been dumped and need someone to take care of you is about as low as you can get.

@DriedHydrangeas what's with the hyperbole? ". Do you actually think fully one fifth of British people are immoral semi-demons with horns peeping through their hair?"

However, our moral compass in the west is that lying is immoral. Betrayal is immoral. Adutlery is immoral.

Not semi demons no but definitely immoral.

Obviously Bill should have handled it all so much better. That's the WHOLE point of the op's dilemma.

Duh.

Had he decided he was going to divorce without cheating, lying and betraying the. It wouldn't be an issue, would it?

The breakdown of the relationship and bill's unhappiness and wanting out isn't the issue.

100👏👏👏👏 and a woman who has had the good grace to take her into her home and support her at a time of need.

They're a pair of lying cheating scumbag cunts - OP is totally right to treat them with the contempt they deserve.

I don’t disagree. But looking objectively, no one should stay in a relationship they aren’t happy in purely to avoid making the other person unhappy. That’s martyrdom. We only get one life.

Bill’s handling of his exit couldn’t have been worse. But he’s entitled to exit.

I'm with you OP. I congratulate you on being able to remain coldly polite. I think I would have read them the riot act. You're a good friend and a decent human being.

Nobody at all think Bill isn't entitled to exit. @Meamie you're completely missing the point. The wanting to exit isn't the issue at all.

Anna was kind enough to Claire to help her leave her abusive husband and stay in Anna's home for months. She was repaid for her kindness to Claire by Claire getting together with Anna's partner. How could she be anything other than sad or bitter?

Claire's behaviour is particularly reprehensable as she completely abused Anna's kindness when she helped Claire to leave her abusive husband and welcomed her into her home for a few months. Therefore, in this case, I would say that Anna's husband and Claire are equally shitty.

This is all none of your business, OP. It's no doubt complex, and you won't know the whole story, but it's not your place to judge any of these people. Just carry on as you were before with everyone concerned. You're not at primary school - you don't need to pick sides.

YANBU.

Bill has behaved appallingly, and it sounds as though Claire is a bit of a predator, and no friend to other women. I can't bear those sorts of male-focussed women.

Just keep on being polite - maybe swap "cold" for "non-committal." Put on your party manners, so you cannot be criticised for being rude to her, but generally behave as though either she's not there, or if she is, she's beneath your notice.

This - and I wouldn’t have them in my home either, your DH can go out to meet them, but honestly what kind of people is your DH surrounding himself with!