To show DH's friend and friend's new woman what I think of them?

[Anonycat]

My DH has a hobby that I don’t share, which is fine. His hobby friends, male and female, form quite a big part of our socialising, with partners. I do often find this quite tedious as they tend to talk obsessively about the hobby, but DH enjoys it and I formed a good relationship with another "hobby widow", a woman a bit older than me (in her 50s) and we always got together at social events to chat about other stuff.

This woman, Anna, and her partner Bill were very kind to another woman I didn’t previously know, Claire, who was in an abusive relationship. Anna and Bill helped Claire leave her abusive husband and let her stay with them for a couple of months while she sorted out a new home for herself. Then Claire left for this new home - and Bill went with her. This came as a complete bombshell to Anna, who was devastated and said she had had no suspicion anything was going on.

Anna and Bill had been together for about 15 years. They had no children together but Bill had a child from a previous relationship. In the early years Anna had given Bill money to support this child, then a teenager, and recently gave a lot of support to the young man and his wife with newborn twins.

I think both Bill and Claire have treated Anna appallingly. I appreciate that no-one really knows what goes on in other people's relationships, and perhaps it was right for them to split up, but I feel strongly about the way it was done.

My problem is that Bill now brings Claire to all the social events to which Anna previously came, as if he has just done a swap, and she chats and laughs as if she hasn’t a care in the world, and expects me to respond likewise. Bill knows how I feel because he asked my DH if DH and I would like to go round for a meal with them and DH told him he knew I wouldn't do that. So far I have just avoided Claire and Bill as much as I can, and been polite but distant, and said as little as possible, but this is getting increasingly difficult to sustain. DH agrees that they treated Anna very badly but just wants to let it go, and carry on as before. He wants me to keep going to the events with him but says my coldness is noticeable and embarrasses him and is getting ridiculous. But even being coldly polite to them makes me feel disloyal to Anna (who I still meet occasionally, and who is still very unhappy).

What should I do?
YABU - these things happen, move on and stop giving Bill and Claire a hard time.
YANBU - in solidarity with Anna you should stop going to the social events or continue barely speaking to Bill and Claire. If they or your DH don’t like it, tough.

"Everyone should pursue their happiness"? What, regardless of the damage they do to anyone else's life along the way? I don’t agree with you.

I think you're fine to carry on as you are. I'd be telling your bloke that if he doesn't like it then you'll stop coming with him.

Bill made his decision, he must be aware that it will alter how some people see him and will affect friendships that previously included both him and Anna.
I think as long as you're more polite than cold and it doesn't cause discomfort for others, your approach is a mature way forward and shouldn't embarrass DH.
Can you avoid the hobby events altogether?

Bill and the new women are shits. Bill wants life to continue. Bet he thinks he has struck gold: a vulnerable woman all to himself.

If your DH wants you to socialise with his friends then he's going to have to accept that you will have likes and dislikes for some of them.

You made a friend in that group, now she's not in that group.

I'm a bit in Anna's situation in that I'm the ex wife. My exH's friends have largely accepted his second wife but they don't have the same relationship with her as a couple, nor can they really be expected to.

Some see him a lot less.

Your DH is being unreasonable. You are going above and beyond socialising with a group of people who basically bore you anyway.

No but close!

Tbh I'd have stopped going to a group that talked about nothing of any interest to me, and made DP go on his own long ago. You seem there as nothing more than an assessory to him anyway, and now this appears to require you to socialise with people you dislike and possibly upset the woman who is your friend. In your shoes I'd see this as my opportunity to say, I'm done with that load of bores DP. You go on your own. I'm off for a drink with Anna.

Your DH can socialise with them without you while you maintain your friendship with Anna

YANBU. You are the company you keep.

Why is it embarrassing for you to be polite but distant, rather than hypocritically pretending you approve of them and their behaviour? I'd think it more embarrassing for someone, such as your DH, to condone or brush under the carpet their shit behaviour.

TBH the main attraction to these meetings from what I understand, is that you could talk to Anna - another hobby widow. Now that she isn't there, you have no kindred spirit for when they start their hobby talks. Why does your husband need you there - it sounds like it's just for appearances? I don't see why you should make yourself feel uncomfortable and go against all your better feelings just to make him feel better, he doesn't seem to be too bothered about your feelings (not to mention Anna's).

Let him go on his own to these evenings and you arrange a nice evening out with Anna.

Polite and distinctly cool seems entirely appropriate to me. Sorry if I missed it, but how fresh is this?

Overtime, I would slowly thaw from outraged disgust to finally settle on cool, perfunctory politeness.

Regardless of the behind closed doors state of the relationship, what Bill and Clare did is terrible; an opportunistic abuse of Anna's good nature/generosity. If they can sink so low once, they can again. So DH has to accept your socially acceptable behaviour or he can leave his hobby group! No way would I be backing away to spare their discomfort!

I'm very much the type of person who wears their feelings on their face, so I would find it truly difficult to be in the same room as Bill and Claire. I don't think I'd address it directly, but I'd certainly not be making idle chit chat or attending any of their events or whatever.

I doubt they'd ever address me directly - cowards that they are - but if they did I would tell them frankly that people that could treat Anna like that are not people I want in my life.

I would be seeing Anna on hobby nights. Your DH can be mates with them. My DS Godparents have broken up as he left her for another woman and had an affair, it’s the lies that I hated to everyone. I will never speak to him again. I told DS and DH if they want a relationship it was up to them. So far they haven’t bothered.

Your DH is doing what a lot of people do, they still want to stay friends with the person whose behaved badly so they go on as if nothings happened. I'm glad at least he said no to dinner at Bill and Clare's, Bill has some front expecting you to want to go there after he dumped your friend. DH's probably far more worried about you making his hobby club outings awkward than how Anna's coping. I'd just stop going, you didn't enjoy the outings anyway and now it's awkward as well as boring, if your DH isn't happy with that, well tough

I feel like the man who has dumped his wife to take advantage of a vulnerable woman who has just got out of an abusive relationship is ever so slightly more ‘scummy’ than said vulnerable woman. She shouldn’t have done it, obviously, but seriously not the main villain here.

Bill and Claire are finding out that shitty actions have uncomfortable consequences.

Your DH is the unreasonable one here - he’s dictating that not only should you continue going to his hobby meet ups but you should also pretend nothing has happened and Claire should benefit from the friendship you built with Anna, with no effort apart from shafting Anna along with Bill.

He’s got a funny view of friendship & loyalty and what should be excused in the name of making him comfortable. What else does that attitude apply to.

The first response has nailed it!

Whether other people consider it your business is neither here nor there - they've shown themselves to be despicable cheats so why on earth anyone would want to spend time in their company is beyond me!

This. Poor Anna, obviously. But performative displays of froideur about a situation you can’t really know much about are going to help no one.

Yadnbu

I couldn't be false either, particularly under those circumstances. Sorry I know that doesn't help you.

A cold hello is far more than I could physically do, so good on you for having the strength to do that.

Yanbu I’d be tempted to tell Bill where to go. Continue being icy cold and I wouldn’t actively choose to socialise with them again.

Your dh doesn’t want to rock the boat but you get to choose who to associate with. Maybe dh needs to pick better friends.

The vibe I’m getting is you and Anna were the interesting ones who kept the conversation going. I would leave them to it they can be men only with one slightly odd younger woman. Husband made his bed he can lie on it.

I’m with you OP. They’ve made their shitty bed and they need to accept the consequences that people might think they’re a pair of arse holes and treat them accordingly.

I can’t do fake so I couldn’t even pretend to be polite. I sitting I could even manage a frosty ‘hello’

Your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to go against your feelings though I suspect he’s more of a people pleaser.

I think on your shoes I would minimise the social events where this pair will be and do my own thing. Maybe meet Anna for dinner and a few drinks to show solidarity. Let your DH carry on but stick to your principles. And the times you do cross paths, continue with the cool polite hello and nothing more.

In your shoes I would continue being icily polite to Bill and Anna. You could tell them what you think of them but it won't make a bit of difference to the situation. Coldly polite lets them know what you think anyway.

I also would tell your DH that the social events are boring as no one talks about anything else except the hobby and you won't be going in future. The previous poster's idea is sensible. When DH is going to the social events, go out for dinner or a movie with Anna. She would probably like that as some people find it tough going out in the evening alone.

Honestly, I would struggle to be civil and like a pp, my opinion is shown all over my face so I think they’d get the hint! But these events sound terribly dull for you anyway. I’d leave dh to it and go and see Anna instead.

I don't believe people should stay in relationships when they are unhappy.

I don't believe you have to pretend to be friends with people you don't like

Loyalty is a good thing, so I totally understand why you have boundaries and believe it's disrespectful towards Anna to become friends and encourage the new relationship.

I'd still go along to the larger gatherings but stay cool with them, you definitely do not have to go round for dinner, these are your boundaries.

I'd be seeing Anna if she was keen to keep the friendship up.