To show DH's friend and friend's new woman what I think of them?

[Anonycat]

My DH has a hobby that I don’t share, which is fine. His hobby friends, male and female, form quite a big part of our socialising, with partners. I do often find this quite tedious as they tend to talk obsessively about the hobby, but DH enjoys it and I formed a good relationship with another "hobby widow", a woman a bit older than me (in her 50s) and we always got together at social events to chat about other stuff.

This woman, Anna, and her partner Bill were very kind to another woman I didn’t previously know, Claire, who was in an abusive relationship. Anna and Bill helped Claire leave her abusive husband and let her stay with them for a couple of months while she sorted out a new home for herself. Then Claire left for this new home - and Bill went with her. This came as a complete bombshell to Anna, who was devastated and said she had had no suspicion anything was going on.

Anna and Bill had been together for about 15 years. They had no children together but Bill had a child from a previous relationship. In the early years Anna had given Bill money to support this child, then a teenager, and recently gave a lot of support to the young man and his wife with newborn twins.

I think both Bill and Claire have treated Anna appallingly. I appreciate that no-one really knows what goes on in other people's relationships, and perhaps it was right for them to split up, but I feel strongly about the way it was done.

My problem is that Bill now brings Claire to all the social events to which Anna previously came, as if he has just done a swap, and she chats and laughs as if she hasn’t a care in the world, and expects me to respond likewise. Bill knows how I feel because he asked my DH if DH and I would like to go round for a meal with them and DH told him he knew I wouldn't do that. So far I have just avoided Claire and Bill as much as I can, and been polite but distant, and said as little as possible, but this is getting increasingly difficult to sustain. DH agrees that they treated Anna very badly but just wants to let it go, and carry on as before. He wants me to keep going to the events with him but says my coldness is noticeable and embarrasses him and is getting ridiculous. But even being coldly polite to them makes me feel disloyal to Anna (who I still meet occasionally, and who is still very unhappy).

What should I do?
YABU - these things happen, move on and stop giving Bill and Claire a hard time.
YANBU - in solidarity with Anna you should stop going to the social events or continue barely speaking to Bill and Claire. If they or your DH don’t like it, tough.

My DH has a hobby that I don’t share, which is fine. His hobby friends, male and female, form quite a big part of our socialising, with partners.

I would say that’s quite unusual-how did it happen?

DH has two hobbies that I don’t share and I couldn’t pick many of the members out of a line-up. He might go out for a Xmas drink with them but that’s about it. Our social life is separate.

If she was the one person out of the hobby you liked, can’t you just stop going out with them? Have you got other friends?

Your husband can't make you like them , and you don't , for understandable reasons. You're not a performing monkey, putting on a show , to appease their hurty feelingz.

So his options are , you keep as you are , polite ,but distant or you stop going . His choice.

Coldly polite is the way forward.

Whilst people definitely don't have to stay in relationships where they are not happy, cheating and deception is really low. Especially when you're hurting a person with whom you have a long relationship and also the person who has helped you out when you're at your lowest.

If you're unhappy in a relationship then say so. Don't cheat and betray. Pathetic.

Bill and Claire are scumbags.

I wouldn't even converse with them. A brief hello and that's it.

And if seek out Anna if I liked her. Make sure she knows not everyone is happy to sweep it under the carpet. Offer her friendship and support.

When I saw your title, I thought hmm, probably a busybody wanting to actively cause drama...but no! Not the case at all.

Yanbu. You are allowed to feel how you feel and act accordingly. You aren't going out of your way to make things difficult.

DH can bugger off. He is allowed to have friends on his own, you aren't making that difficult. You just don't want to be friends with them and that's fine too.

I think you are being totally reasonable and your husband is bang out of order.

Yeah sure let’s blame her. I’m sure she deserves it.

Sorry but I'm with you OP.
I would have to make a sarcastic remark about keeping an eye on your own husband because of her behaviour. The pair of them are a disgrace, flaunting it when the group knew his poor wife.

I hate women like that, absolute alley cat slapper behaviour.

While I try not to judge people, I think I would feel the same as you OP. The apologists on here are completely missing the point. It's not as simple as accepting that you don't know all the ins and outs, it's about loyalty and empathy. Anna may not be your best friend, but you have formed a bond with her and you like her. It's completely understandable that you don't feel comfortable just swapping Anna for Claire. I think if it was me, I'd let DH just get on with the social side of his hobby without me. He certainly shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable about what is a very human reaction to such a horrible show of behaviour.

If you don't want to go to these events then just don't go and leave DH to it. Life's too short to put yourself through things you don't want to, it's his hobby so he can enjoy it without dragging you in 🤷‍♀️

You are allowed choose the people you want to be friends with regardless of the reasons. Your DH can’t oblige you to like people you don’t. You are not being actively rude and I don’t think you should be obliged to put on a big act to make other people comfortable. He either accepts that if he wants you to attend you get to choose who you interact with and how or you don’t go.

Is it golf?

Well This is why men behave this way. They get to keep on with their lives while first wife is destruyed.

Honestly tell your DH tough tits and tell this pair of cxxts how you really feel and don't waste another minute with them.

I think this as well. I have been married to DH for more than 20 years and together for 24 years and people in HIS hobby group still will not speak to me, because they think he left his wife (of 18 months) for me and I am enormously younger. The reality is she had affairs with 3 different men while they were married (and went away for a dirty weekend with her boss the weekend before they got married). But to outsiders it looks like he dumped her for a very much younger woman.

They have no moral integrity and your husband is a poor judge of character and dosn't want to rock the boat. ICK.

You're not embarrassing anyone, those shitbags have embarrassed themselves.

I couldn't be friends with them or even pretend to be. It may well be 'none of your business' (a line often spouted by cowards who are condoning something they know is wrong by their silence), but it is your business who you speak to. If I couldn't ignore them, I'd just stop going. Doesn't sound like you'd be missing much anyway, since your friend is no longer there.

Totally with you OP. In fact when similar happened in our friendship group, I couldn’t even bring myself to even be polite to the ‘Bill’ and ‘Claire’ and would turn on my heel and walk away.

DH had to see the ‘Bill’ as they were involved in a local community thing and had to remain polite, although he was disgusted with them. He even went to Bill’s birthday party while I stayed at home - as did many of the former friendship group. The way they conducted themselves was appalling.

Anna is finally so much happier now though, but it was an awful few years.

Firstly I have noticed that most men and much more tolerant of affairs, they don't want to get involved and would rather everything just carried on as normal.

I think the thing with this situation is that you don't really enjoy this socialising and previously it was tolerable because of Anne. Are there no other hobby widows in the group. I think you need to decide if you want to stop because of this with the Claire situation being the final straw. I presume the other wives are just turning a blind eye to (presume didn't know Anne well).

I'm suspecting golf? Unless you play golf frankly these events are just golf fests and very boring to a non player (imo). Is Bill one of the close friends so you are always on their table? I think you need to stick with your gut feeling, stop going if you just don't enjoy or tell DH you'll go to important ones (like prize giving) but will avoid this pair,

Are you still in contact socially with Anne?

I think social shaming is the only acceptable response to homewreckers. Let them face some consequences for their actions.

Always the woman's fault when a man shits on his family. I wonder whether holding the man responsible for his own commitments would be more of a deterrent.

Have you told your DH that he is the one that is embarrassing?

He wants to laugh and have dinner with B&C, fine.
You don't, also fine.

Why is what he wants more important?
You have your morals, he has his.
He wants 'live and let live' where B&C are concerned. Why can't he do the same for you - his own wife???

I wouldn't speak to either of them.

Yeah. This is a woman who has escaped an abusive marriage. She probably has zero self esteem which is why she’s fallen for the charms of this twat. Not excusing her at all but often the women who do go with married men have really low esteem and they think this is all they’re worth/get a boost from thinking their partner left someone else for them.

I know it's pointless because we will never change this attitude of holding the OW responsible but I can't stand it. There will of course be denials but look at the focus, look at how much breath is spent on him and how much on her. And then the ones saying "OK well they're EQUALLY TO BLAME"... not only do these people also spend far more energy on the OW, they'd still be wrong even if they did spread it 50:50, which they never do. How can the person who claimed to love you, married you, had kids with you, built a home and life with you, be no more culpable than the person who did none of those things? If marriage, kids, promises etc don't create a greater responsibility, what's the point of them? Are they meaningless?

Obviously it's dishonourable to shag a married man but at the end of the day he made the commitment and he's responsible for it. You can't sign a contract and then send the co-signatory after someone else.

But yeah, pushing water uphill, I know. In answer to OP's question, the truth is that these people's marriages, affairs, divorces etc are simply none of her business, horrid as they may be. Doesn't sound like she was ever in there as more than an ancillary for her husband so it should be easy enough to stop socialising with them if she wants to.

I wouldn't bother with attempts to communicate disapproval either. He didn't care what his wife thought so why should he care what the wife of his mate from golf or whatever thinks?

I knew someone who did this 20 years ago. He was a work colleague so I barely knew his wife but the office was shocked and they were mostly men.

The other woman is getting a hard time here understandably, but leaving an abusive relationship...well your head is all over the place. I'm not surprised she did this if he acted like her saviour and offered her affection. Not excusing it but I think one can understand it.

But agree with your stance. How utterly awful for his partner. He's a shit. And the shamelsssness of just swapping one woman out for another... just yuck.

Your dh needs to give his head a wobble if he can't accept your feelings.

Of course YANBU: you are a woman with integrity. Anna is lucky to have you on her side.