To ask for stepson to stay at his mums this weekend?

[Leannemoochy]

Ok I know I’m probably going to get a lot of slack for this one, but just wondering what people would do in this situation.
I have a DSS (12) who I love dearly with my DP, I have been in his life since he was 4 and we have him every single weekend, always have and always will. The only weekends we have ever not had him is when he has gone on holiday with his mum.
Me and DP also have two children together, DD (6) and DS (2). Next weekend my DD is going to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, my friend has spent a lot of money on my daughter buying her the dress, the shoes, the hair, she’s letting her have a very light bit of make up from the make up artist, she’s bought her accessories for the day, little personalised things like a coat hanger and dressing gown with her name on etc etc.
We had a phone call of DSS mum yesterday to say he had been poorly and hadn’t gone in to school with a bad cough/temp/food tasted funny to him, and she said he is a little better today but has still not gone in to school. She’s not going to do a covid test with him though. DP has asked if it’s ok if he still comes around and I just don’t know what to do because obviously he is always welcome here and if it was any other weekend I wouldn’t think twice, but I am so paranoid about DD being ill for the wedding next weekend, and feel like I owe it to my friend to reduce the chance of her being poorly as much as possible. If he lived in this house there would obviously be no escaping it, but the facts are that he mainly lives at his mums and so the opportunity to reduce that risk is there. His mum isn’t doing anything this weekend either so it’s not like we’d be putting her out as I understand that wouldn’t be fair either.

Just looking for some views on the situation basically?

Is DSS not going to the wedding with the family?

I think that is totally reasonable op - I truly do

To be honest he's probably better off at home in bed anyway!

As a one off it's fine not to have him over. Very exceptional circumstances. I hope that he and his mum understand.

Can you take your DD and DS away for a couple of nights and DSS can have the weekend with his dad?

Yes but hopefully by next weekend he’ll be feeling better and the chance of spreading any illnesses will be gone.

When I (with dc) met ex who had dc we all agreed with their dm any illness the dc stayed where they were. Spreading germs especially now Covid is daft..

I don’t really have any where I could take them! Live quite far from my family unfortunately.

I think ask your step son what he wants to do. He might want to stay at home, he might want comfort from his dad.

Is your DD in school this week?
I think she will be far more vulnerable at school.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the question but I would also not fight it if there is any pushback. I do think it would also be reasonable for DSS to be asked what he would like to do. It may be he’d prefer to be at home with his mum anyway if he’s under the weather.

I'd suggest he might like to stay with mum until he feels better, but I wouldn't insist on it. If your kids are in school/nursery they're going to be in a petri dish of germs this week anyway.

There is some nasty things doing their rounds at school however if you have the type of relationship where you can ask her this ( assuming step son is happy to do so ) it shouldn't be much of an issue ?

I think if would be unfair to ask that he stays with his Mum. Get him to do a Covid test when he arrives and if positive, wear masks, semi-isolate, etc. If it’s just a headcold, take the usual precautions. Your DD could pick something up at school just as easily.

It depends on personal circumstances. You could ask and Mum might be happy to have him. But if Mum works weekends and would need to take time off Dad should have him.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask. Her response is likely to depend on the general relationship with you all usually.

Offer to provide “just eats” or similar all weekend or offer to have him extra days whenever she needs it etc (but I hope you already do that)
Yes your daughter could pick something up at school, but DSS is now a known risk.

If he does come, you’d spend the weekend excluding him and sanitising everywhere which would be a bit cruel when he already feels a bit rubbish, so kinder to him to stay at mums.

Presumably he won't be going now, even if he was originally included, because he's been ill?
OP yanbu to ask if his mum could please keep him at her house this weekend.

Why?

Presumably your DD is going to school and is exposed to the 30 odd children in her class so no I wouldn't ask him not to come, if she was home schooled etc then perhaps but you can't avoid bugs at that age

I think that under the circumstances it’s a fair ask, as it’s not just because he’s unwell but due to everyone’s plans next weekend. You sound like a lovely step mum. Yes there are lots of bugs doing the rounds but your step son is unwell enough to be off school so is likely infectious and will have prolonged contact with you all. Could you offer to have him for some extra time to compensate over the next couple of weeks if it would help to win his mum over.

Absolutely understandable under the circumstances. I wouldn't risk it either.

I think it's a fair ask - I hear all the people saying your daughter is exposed at school, but that's a daily risk that someone might be sick, vs. the clear and obvious risk of spending the weekend with someone who absolutely is.

TBH, if he was to come, wouldn't he just want to spend the whole weekend on the settee though? If I was him I wouldn't want to bother coming anyway.

If he does come, I think I'd just keep the little ones away from him, in a separate room, keep them out the house if possible and just do everything you can to segregate for the couple of days.

To add - when my son got Covid, he just stayed in his room, and we ferried food to him - he didn't see me and DS2 barely at all for about 3 days!

Is he well enough to be out and about? You could suggest your DH takes him for a day out instead? Or maybe he could come and you take your children to stay elsewhere?

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to a child to disrupt their routine of seeing their father for the sake of someone else’s wedding.

Organising several nights away with 2 kids seems overkill when there is a very reasonable alternative.
The child is at his dad’s every single weekend, staying at his mum’s because he is poorly is really not going to be disturbing for him…