To ask for stepson to stay at his mums this weekend?

[Leannemoochy]

Ok I know I’m probably going to get a lot of slack for this one, but just wondering what people would do in this situation.
I have a DSS (12) who I love dearly with my DP, I have been in his life since he was 4 and we have him every single weekend, always have and always will. The only weekends we have ever not had him is when he has gone on holiday with his mum.
Me and DP also have two children together, DD (6) and DS (2). Next weekend my DD is going to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, my friend has spent a lot of money on my daughter buying her the dress, the shoes, the hair, she’s letting her have a very light bit of make up from the make up artist, she’s bought her accessories for the day, little personalised things like a coat hanger and dressing gown with her name on etc etc.
We had a phone call of DSS mum yesterday to say he had been poorly and hadn’t gone in to school with a bad cough/temp/food tasted funny to him, and she said he is a little better today but has still not gone in to school. She’s not going to do a covid test with him though. DP has asked if it’s ok if he still comes around and I just don’t know what to do because obviously he is always welcome here and if it was any other weekend I wouldn’t think twice, but I am so paranoid about DD being ill for the wedding next weekend, and feel like I owe it to my friend to reduce the chance of her being poorly as much as possible. If he lived in this house there would obviously be no escaping it, but the facts are that he mainly lives at his mums and so the opportunity to reduce that risk is there. His mum isn’t doing anything this weekend either so it’s not like we’d be putting her out as I understand that wouldn’t be fair either.

Just looking for some views on the situation basically?

Different issue I know but why doesn't his mum get some weekends with her son?

Must be tough on her doing all the grind in the week and no family time?

Ah so he wanted to come and your husband bribed him to stay away. Excellent result.

This is ridiculous. A sick child should stay and quarantine with the parent in whose care they are.

Op you are really not being unreasonable. I think a lot of the answers on here are OTT which is always what you get re step kids. He is with you every weekend so assuming he is happy with his mum during the week then one weekend is not unreasonable or the end of the world. If you were suggesting one of your kids off the grandparents in the same scenario no-one would have a problem with it. I think it's perfect reasonable to ask DSS mum, if she can't do it for whatever reason then fine but at least ask. If DSS is feeling up to it maybe DH could take him for lunch and some activity on the Sat or Sun.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Yes, your DD could pick up something at school but she’s more likely to if someone ill is in the same house.

I say this as someone who’s currently on antibiotics due to a chest infection that DS brought home from school!

He is unwell. Could be Covid. And probably not the best place for him even if he was a bio kid

Of course she does! It's clear she loves him and he's part of the family.

There's a major event in 8 days, the poorly child would be sharing a room with the bridesmaid, and if there's a way to avoid spreading the cold before the wedding any sensible person would take it.

If it was her stepson as a pageboy and her daughter was ill, I'm sure the OP would equally suggest keeping them apart just before the event.

OP, can you ask if he say with his mum and your DH comes to see him with a care package of his new game and some nice treats? So he's feeling cossetted and not excluded?

mask up (both of them) keep them separate and let him feel ill in his bed if that's what he wants to do.

Of course she does! It's clear she loves him and he's part of the family.

How exactly is that clear?

More chance of her getting a cold/covid at school. I would say up to your SS if he's that poorly maybe he would rather stay at home

I think using the phrases ‘farm him off’ and ‘dump’ are totally unfair.
I am fully aware that this is also his home, but he does also have another home where he is happy and safe and is currently at, DS does not have another home but even if he did I wouldn’t send him there if he was poorly I would just keep him with me. It’s the first weekend in the 8 years I’ve known him that something has come up where we’ve had to pause and think, yet you’re making me out to be evil step mum trying to ‘farm him off’! Really?!

Really. If DSS went to the wedding and became unwell or didn't enjoy it because he was poorly you would blame op for taking him along despite knowing he was unwell. And if you were one of the guests you would fret that she brought a kid who potentially has Covid.

If its not clear then forcing him to come over shen he is sick would be cruel. Make up your mind which it is?

@NautilusLionfish He doesn't have to go to the wedding no matter which of his homes he's in.

@pikkumyy77 He wants to come. His loving father bribed him to stay with his mum.

Unfortunately we live 45 minutes away and DP doesn’t get back from work until around 7pm so by the time he got back from work and went to collect him (me nor DSS mum drives so is on DP to do all the dropping off/collecting), there just isn’t enough time. We tried having him stay overnight in the week before but the early start for school the next morning just made him super tired.
Mum has always been happy with the arrangement and knows she just needs to ask if she’d like to have him to do something with him, and vice versa if DSS wanted to spend some time with her.

Oh stop it already. Is there not worse families out there then you’re making out his father and me to be? We have him every single weekend, the first time in 8 years where there’s now been something come up.
He is poorly, he lives 45 minutes away, he gets guilt over not seeing his dad which is why he was unsure but his dad has explained that it is fine and that he will come to see him instead and that made him feel happier to stay at his mums, the game was just a little treat due to him being poorly.
People on mumsnet do amaze me, the horrible things going on in the world and it’s like this is evil of us!
I would see my dad twice a year growing up and even that was begrudgingly, there’s worse situations out there I promise you.

Yes, there are worse families out there. I'm not sure why that's relevant.

I totally agree. I posted earlier to suggest that children who live across two households have a natural quarantine arrangement if required. But of course, people jump in and think you're suggesting that a 'together' family would separate poorly children (and that's not what I'm saying)!!!

We have him every single weekend, the first time in 8 years where there’s now been something come up.

Which is why you are NOT being unreasonable!!!

I've always said if you're ill, you're best staying where you are, if possible. It makes no sense to go and make another household unwell, particularly if he's unwell enough to be off school, so won't enjoy his weekend wherever he is. He'd be better staying at home where (I assume) he has more personal items, comforts, and where he feels most at home - no offence to your household but I'm sure you know what I mean. And yes, as you say, you really don't want your little girl being unwell for the wedding she's looked forward to so much.

So your OH, you and SS have been asked what they want to do, but not mum?

Surely it comes down to whether she is happy and able to look after him.

If she is, problem resolved. If she isn't, you work something out, even if it means he stays mainly in his room.

Your suggestion that he spends time with dad makes no sense. Surely that would mean dad highly likely to get it and then pass on to your daughter anyway?

She's basically openly saying he's having COVID/flu symptoms but she's refusing to do a test? Why? I'd say I can't take him until he's done a negative COVID test. It's unreasonable even without the wedding to send a kid/come to someone's to stay when you/they have infectious virus symptoms. He's ill so he needs to stay at home. You don't ferry infectious people from household to household.

If possible this is the preferred option

Yes of course! Mum was the one first considered and she said she had no plans this weekend so was up to us all instead, I’d never expect her to change her plans when we were due to have him, that wouldn’t be fair.
We have now came out of this with a solution where everyone is satisfied now (well not saying I’m satisfied that he isn’t coming, but just less worried about the risk!)
I understand there’s still a chance for dad to catch it, but the risk is definitely reduced. For his son to sit in the back of the car and go through the drive through or if he isn’t feeling any better he’ll just drop some bits off to him and pop in to see how he is, obviously that is less of a risk then him being in the same house all weekend around his younger siblings who would touch the same things and forget to keep up with hand washing.