To ask for stepson to stay at his mums this weekend?

[Leannemoochy]

Ok I know I’m probably going to get a lot of slack for this one, but just wondering what people would do in this situation.
I have a DSS (12) who I love dearly with my DP, I have been in his life since he was 4 and we have him every single weekend, always have and always will. The only weekends we have ever not had him is when he has gone on holiday with his mum.
Me and DP also have two children together, DD (6) and DS (2). Next weekend my DD is going to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, my friend has spent a lot of money on my daughter buying her the dress, the shoes, the hair, she’s letting her have a very light bit of make up from the make up artist, she’s bought her accessories for the day, little personalised things like a coat hanger and dressing gown with her name on etc etc.
We had a phone call of DSS mum yesterday to say he had been poorly and hadn’t gone in to school with a bad cough/temp/food tasted funny to him, and she said he is a little better today but has still not gone in to school. She’s not going to do a covid test with him though. DP has asked if it’s ok if he still comes around and I just don’t know what to do because obviously he is always welcome here and if it was any other weekend I wouldn’t think twice, but I am so paranoid about DD being ill for the wedding next weekend, and feel like I owe it to my friend to reduce the chance of her being poorly as much as possible. If he lived in this house there would obviously be no escaping it, but the facts are that he mainly lives at his mums and so the opportunity to reduce that risk is there. His mum isn’t doing anything this weekend either so it’s not like we’d be putting her out as I understand that wouldn’t be fair either.

Just looking for some views on the situation basically?

I was thinking of potentially suggesting this. That if he was feeling well enough he could maybe take him to get a drive through McDonald’s which is his favourite and that me and DP got him a new game for his Xbox which he could spend the rest of the weekend playing so that he still got to see his dad and he also got a treat as a little bit of compensation maybe, but also reduced the chance of spreading germs as there wouldn’t be as many surfaces touched, prolonged time with his younger siblings etc.

You have a young kid you want to protect from getting sick, its also pretty miserable to uproot a sick kid for a different house. I would suggest it even without the wedding. Maybe your DP could see if he could go visit him at the mums house instead?

What would you do if it was your other kid that was ill? Ship them off somewhere else?

I'd still ask mum and DS's if he could /wants to stay at home. If he does want to come that idea sounds like the best plan.

Well no because I don’t have the option to do that? And it’s not about ‘shipping him off’, it’s about just keeping him where he is where he is safe and happy? I know if me and DP ended our relationship, that if it was ever my days with them and they were poorly, I’d happily keep them with me to not spread germs and want to look after them anyway instead of making them travel 45 minutes in a car just to spend the day on a different sofa instead.

When children of separated parents live between two houses, you have a natural quarantine arrangement if required. Under these circumstances it would be sensible to use it.

Also in terms of my children being at school, unfortunately I don’t have a choice if I send them in or not!

OP, you could consider getting your thread moved to Stepparenting?

I'm glad to see you are not getting slated, usually anything on here concerning 'step kids' make you automatically the wicked step mother.

I think it's very sensible. Did covid not teach us anything about germs?

But where he might feel happiest is with his dad - you need to give him that choice. He’s one of your DP’s kids so if you would have yours with you he might want him with him too - I have a stepson and would always take him when he’s ill if he wanted to come to see his Dad - it’s one of the risks of having kids. Especially if your daughter is going to school and could equally catch germs there!

The thing is if your other child or your dh or even yourself got ill you would just suck it up and hope for the best. You wouldn't insist one of them move out until they're recovered. So expecting your dss to change arrangements kind of sends the message that he's set apart from the rest of the family.

I do totally understand your concerns and when my dc is very poorly he wants to stay home with me anyway. But I think you need to tread carefully if he actually wants to come. It's this sort of stuff that can cause divides and resentment for stepchildren.

It makes perfect sense, I'm sure you all want all the children to enjoy the wedding next week. I can't see why anyone would risk messing it up with illness if the chances of that happening can be limited.

If your two-year-old starts showing signs of illness are you going to send him away until after the wedding?

I had a similar setup with my stepson when he was little. If you got ill with us he would stay with us so it's not to pass it onto his mum and her boyfriend, particularly as she has health problems and vice versa if he was already ill, he wouldn't come to us. He might prefer being in the one place.

I think you are right to keep DSS with his Mum in this situation. This is exceptional circumstances when there’s a big event coming up. It’s different if a child becomes unwell when staying with you or there’s no choice. The suggestion of a drive through with your DH is ideal if DSS is feeling well enough.

I’ve had covid recently and I definitely wouldn’t have felt like sitting in a car for 45 minutes when I was at my worst.

I hope DSS feels better soon!

Why not offer to have him longer from mid-week. Mention the wedding say you’ll have him from the minute he goes back to school and offer a monday school drop off too.

It’s hard isn’t it - what you would do if your son was ill? I think you could ask and see if he’s happy to be closer to his mother - nobody wants to get ill unnecessarily - but if not to take whatever precautions you would if he was your own child! Handwashing, no sharing utensils etc

Which is what I will be suggesting now I’ve came on here so thank you.
In terms of it seeming like I wouldn’t have him just because he is ill is not the case what so ever though, I wouldn’t normally think twice.
Also sending my daughter to school where she might cross someone who is ill (and I legally have to send her in) is completely different to her having to share a bedroom with someone all weekend who is 100% definitely ill! (We are moving house next year so they will have their own rooms then)

sorry, this is bonkers. it's also DSS's home. you cannot just farm him off because is has a virus. Our of interest, onto whom would you try to dump your own DS if he comes up with a bug in the next few days? Please don't say it's different, it's not. Where is DH on this all?

Well don’t get them to share rooms! Get your husband to bunk in with him and you share with your daughter - often sleep in with my older child if they’re unwell.

I think it’s just always best to ask. We have DSS 60/40 which might be why he always wants my DP when he’s ill as he’s basically the default parent but he loves his routine and would hate for it to be disrupted because he’s ill.

Also your DP if he’s going to his ex’s to see your DSS and driving him around may catch a bug anyway and pass it onto your DD. It’s just difficult navigating illness with stepkids and as a previous poster said, changing things up just because a kid is ill can cause such resentment.

This is unfair and makes no sense. She is not suggesting she send him away , she is suggesting that he stay in the home that he has in most of the time with his mother where presumably he feels safe and secure.
She isn't being the wicked stepmother just making a sensible suggestion to reduce the chance of him passing on a nasty virus.

I've never really understood why people think that moving sick children between houses is a good idea. It's not nice for the child to have to go out in the cold when they're ill or for the people in the other household to get sick unnecessarily. Dsds always stay put when ill because it's in everyone's best interests.

He’s been asked everyone! He wants to stay at his mums, originally he wasn’t sure as still wanted to see his dad but dad has said to him he was still more then welcome to come here or he could take him for a drive through if he felt up to it/or bring it to him if not and then we would get him a new game so he could have a relatively chilled weekend and he definitely preferred that idea. So problem solved, he’s happy!

It's fair and makes complete sense. You just don't like it because it shows that she doesn't consider her stepson a part of the family like her own.