Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

But you didn't do anything for the party, OP - you were just one of the guests. He thanked all the guests for coming, and for the gifts. Job done. Don't be difficult and ruin his wedding - this really isn't about you.

I agree. Not only unreasonable but there is a clearly unkind and sneering attitude to your future DIL’s family too. Shy of parading elephants or acrobats what is so outlandish you have never seen before at a party?

But you didn't do anything for the party? He was thanking everyone for coming & for her parents for paying. It's a bit strange to want to be thanked for doing nothing? Or did you want him to thank you for giving birth to him? Very strange.

I'm understanding you perfectly fine, I just don't think there was anything to thank you for. The exception to that would be if he thanked his in-laws for everything they've done for their daughter (party aside).

He had nothing to thank you for in that moment because that's not what that speech is for, he doesn't need to thank you for offering to put balloons out or accept help when vendors were being paid to do all them things.

I'm understand you feel cut out and of course you're allowed your feelings but it doesn't make you right and if you carry on making a big deal out of something like this then you'll just cause unnecessary drama with your son and his girlfriend.

I do think YABU - his wedding speech is where you'll be thanked for things like bringing him up / being great parents.

A quick Thankyou speech at a party is normally to the people who've organised it / paid for it - which in this case was the brides parents. You were thanked as part of the general thanks for coming bit,as that's what you did for the party. There was nothing else to thank you for?

If he'd not mentioned you on his wedding day, then I'd understand.

OP, I do feel for you because it's obvious you wanted to be involved and help out. To have help rebuffed then sit by while other people were thanked and whose help was accepted would be difficult.

BUT it also sounds like you were a bit overbearing with the planning and had a very fixed idea of what the party would be, which differed enormously from what they wanted. They probably felt it was easier to just keep you out of the planning.

I agree with the PP who said to sit down with them and ask what help they want. Offer to contribute cash if you can afford it.foe them to use on the wedding they want. I would ask what they are planning but in an interested, curious way rather than assuming you know what they're planning, eg. balloons and confetti

@DreamTheMoors sums it up really well.

Of course yanbu yo expect your son to thank you at his engagement party speech.

Until my mum died I had the stress of both her and my MIL bringing up every perceived slight against each of them, they were literally like two sour faced spoiled little girls. I had so much stress having to make sure everything was equal, equal visits and stays at our place, equal presents, the same number of family photos on display from each side in our homes. For a while we lived abroad, there was even a passive aggressive territorial dispute about left items and clothing at our house, so they wouldn’t have to bring as much travelling. It stressed the fuck out of me, it’s one thing I don’t miss about my mum. OP don’t be that person, your sons life isn’t about making you happy, you have to let them be and not look for things to be offended about, your behaviour will be noticed.

Sorry OP you're not in the right here and should not have said anything to your son. He thanked his fiancée's family because they paid for the party that he and his fiancée wanted. He didn't thank them for "all they had done" for his wife-to-be. He thanked them for the specific reason that they had funded the party. You presumably knew the in-laws were paying and, if it was so important to you to feel part of it, could have offered to split the costs, rather than offering to put up balloons and feeling that that justifies a mention in your son's thank you speech. If you carry on this way, you're really going to sour relations with your son and his fiancée.

My MIL felt compelled to remind us several times that we had to invite certain people, even giving helpful suggestions of who we could uninvite to make room for long lost relations.

I love my MIL who is a kind and well-meaning woman but that really wound me up!

Honestly an engagement party is not the time for thanking parents for raising you, that’s a wedding speech type thing. This sounds more like a thanks everyone for coming and thanks to DP’s parents for making the entire thing possible dealio. I hope you spoke to your son’s future in laws on the evening and thanked them for their generosity too.
I’m assuming you were hoping for thanks for being great parents, which you clearly are as you raised a very polite son, and not acknowledgement for your attendance as guests at someone else’s party or the fact you gifted them £75. He’s your son, don’t make the road to his marriage a competition for affection between you and his future in laws, it will send everyone mad, make you unhappy and resentful and damage your relationship with your son. You raised him right, he met a girl he loves be happy for him.

I think people understand perfectly well your position OP but don't agree with you.
Choose not to turn this into a big deal. Your son thanked the people who facilitated the party.
Taking offence over minor slights will sour this wedding for you and you really don't want to start off feeling resentful towards this new family.
You offered to help, it was declined, don't take it so personally. Let them have their wedding, their way.

Thank her for what in relation to the party???

It would have been nice but, really, do not feel over sensitive about your son forgetting to say he appreciates you all for welcoming DIL and supporting him in a public display.

You should have told him his speech was great and that you are proud of him, excited for the wedding, so glad that many lovely people are happy for them and pleased that the party worked out as they planned.

£75 is a huge amount for some people, don't make the OP feel bad, maybe £75 was more than she could afford...

OP you need to grow a thicker skin and a different perspective. It would have been lovely if he had thanked you, but he didn’t, and didn’t need to really. Boys tend to veer towards their in-laws family when they marry (not always, but often) and you risk pushing them that way by being put out and spiky over stuff. Also, if you’re more old fashioned, you’ll end up coming across as judgy if they’re into flashy stuff, which never goes down well.

I actually think what you’ve mentioned here is part of the problem. I can picture this scenario between myself and my in-laws. Hypothetically- me and husband want a party. They are excited for us and offer lots of practical help. Would like to come and put confetti and balloons up, or whatever decor they have in mind. Father in law has ladder ready, so on. Except I’ve got a slightly grander idea in mind, and would rather pay a professional to give it that very specific look. My mum, in her excitedness offers to pay the party suppliers. This is the sort of thing my in laws, who are lovely and kind, would consider a pointless expense so I don’t go into detail with party plans because I don’t really want to offend them, and my parents are footing the bill so it’s not an issue for me and my partner.

Then of course I feel like they need thanks for the party. It wouldn’t occur to me to thank my in laws as this thanks is purely for the party.

I can see why you’d be bothered and feel a bit embarrassed but I don’t think it was anything other than that. The one that really matters is the wedding peach, which I’m sure you will feature well. Please don’t keep this one alive with them, it will take the shine off everything.

What did you want him to thank you for? He said he loves everyone there, thanked the bride and thanked her parents for paying for the party. This was a transactional thank you, It sounds like he wouldn't have mentioned them either if they hadn't paid for the party
I think your over thinking this slightly

On a side note, in a later comment you said he got a lot of money from other guests too.

Is this a new thing to gift money at an engagement party??! Maybe a token present but it's not even a wedding!

I don't understand what you expected to be thanked for and you sound like hard work. Rain it back. If you keep dredging up every perceived slight in a passive-aggressive "poor me" way your DS and DIL will create distance from you.

@Whoisunreasonable

You have to be consistent in life.
Pay and contribute your time and energy into whatever what you believe in.
Let others do the same.

But don't feel you need to justify your own choices. Let others bask in the glory of their own accomplishments, without making it about you.

Thank you for what? Meddling and reminding him who to invite to his own engagement party that you didn’t pay a penny towards?
Your empty card that you didn’t feel “safe” putting money in when everyone else did.
Don’t get me started on ringing the next morning to ask if he did in fact open his empty card. Or maybe thank you for the bank transfer of £75 you made the next day AFTER the party?

Honestly get a grip.

OP says that she has similar wealth to the future ILs so whilst the party does sound extravagant, £75 seems a very specific and yes rather low amount to gift and expect a special mention at the party which has clearly cost several thousand pounds.

Also why text the following morning to check if envelopes and presents have been opened. OP simply needed to say that she had bank transferred the money, rather than making a big song and dance about a small gift.

There isn’t much of a wealth difference between the two families but I am more old school and traditional

I don’t think so…