Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

What a bitchy thing to write
This thread has been full of vitreol towards the OP.
Is there a collective dose of pmt?

Are you the same MIL who posted about how she almost didn't go to her other son's wedding?

I think we do understand. He didn't thank the other parents for raising the daughter or being fabulous parents. He said thank you for throwing the party. He thanked everyone for being there. But didn't single you out specifically. If he'd thank you for being parents and said I love you .. that would have been awkward then not to say for her parents as an example.
So he decided to keep it brief.
I think you feel excluded and taken by surprise that they'd paid for everything. This is less about the speech and what it has signaled to you.

But it was not a wedding.

No, just a collective dose of cop yourself on. PP is being absolutely ridiculous.

"Thanks to the in laws for paying for this entire party and thanks to my parents for... coming to it" is arguably worse than not being mentioned at all?

We gave £75 as that is what we gave our eldest when they got married. There is quite a big age gap so this was more than a few years ago where £75 got you a lot more and it was all we could afford. We are in a much better financial position now but we want to be fair to all of our children. We gave the next one £75 and son is the final one getting married so we gave the same so nobody felt it was unfair. We are still planning on helping to contribute to the wedding financially, but will have to match our donation to our other children’s.

I only text the next day to explain why the card was empty as I had already promised money. Not to be involved or want a thank you. I just wanted to explain incase they thought it had been misplaced.

Yes I do think you are over thinking this a bit. Just let it go. Texting him the next day about opening cards and not just putting £100 in the card (75 is a bit random) is just fussing. It would have been nice if he had mentioned you in the speech I do get this but the moment is over now...... Try to relax and enjoy the upcoming celebrations and let the couple do things their own way. There will be a lot to navigate over the next few years.

@Whoisunreasonable i understand how you feel. Initially, I agreed with the others and thought “well the other parent’s paid for the party”.

but then I thought how I would feel if I had tried to offer help with party (cut out a little bit) and then not mentioned in the speech. It’s not about being “thanked” so much so I think perhaps PP are latching onto that a bit. I think it’s that you feel a bit left out.

Your son is marrying their daughter.but you offered help with the party and was told no so you felt a bit left out. Then not mentioned in the speech. Just a tiny “great your here mum and dad”.

So maybe it just feels like you’re cut out a little bit, if there was a speech at a couple’s party whether it was engagement, wedding, whatever, I would feel a little left out if there was no mention of one set of parents.

so I understand how you feel, and I understand your son and the PP saying that the other parent’s were just getting thanked for their monetary contribution to the party.

but I would t have said anything.

Also I don’t understand.. Son we are giving you £75 but I have not bothered to transfer it till the day after the party so I will bring an empty card and leave it with all the other cards with money inside.

Then next morning.. did you open my empty card yet?

Bizarre.

I responded to your nasty, now deleted, post in which you called the OP a 't%%t'
You then seem to get very confused or didn't understand that I was responding to your post
So no need to read back.

OP, I'm actually with you on this. 💐 Going against the grain, I think he should have thanked the other set of parents for their - undoubted and much appreciated - generosity in private and then mentioned both sets publicly if he wanted to mention parents at all. The Oscar Wilde phrase about knowing 'the price of everything but the value of nothing' comes to mind. Life is not all about money and I think he shouldn't have put emphasis on that in public.

This would've been awful (albeit true)

Why do people hold things this is against their own children? He had no reason to thank you, OP. He thanked the fiancé’s parents because they paid for the party. Don’t risk falling out with your own child over stuff like this.

OP, don’t get into an intense rivalry with your son’s PILs, and start point-scoring and registering slights etc. It’s no way to live.

HRTFT but many couples now don't have an engagement party. Did you offer to help or contribute? I was fairly recently you in this scenario, DS married this year. I offered to help with their party, paying around half (I made the cake and food but i was a chef for many years). I can't imagine just turning up, without a gift then expecting to be thanked. It would have been dismissive of the ones who did put all the effort in. It was a party, not their wedding.
If you carry on you'll become 'that' MiL. As far as the wedding is concerned. Ds's wedding was a near six figure event. DIL is an only DC of affluent parents. I still found wats to contribute, although only a fraction financially, I gave months of time and at the wedding there was no discernable difference in thanks during the speeches and I received the same gift as the mother of the bride.
Whilst I make sure I'm not intrusive or make demands, I find there's find ways I can help and always offer it to them both. I have the MIL from hell and have gone out of my way not to be, to build a bond with my DIL. I do not have the financial means (although I'm not poor) her family has but I have time and that can be just as precious.
I think you are being unreasonable.

If you're referring to this post...

It shows very poor manners and very little class not to embrace both sets of parents regardless of who pays for what in a wedding.
And just because you have money does not mean you have breeding or elegance or refinement. Or good taste.
Take a look at Elon and Mae Musk if you need examples. Or take, for example, anyone with whom they choose to keep company of late.
You know, I thought everyone knew that you include both families during wedding celebrations - evidently I’m in the minority, which is just about the saddest thing I’ve realised lately.

...Then you're wrong. I understand the sentiment and would agree if this was an actual wedding.
But it isn't. It's a party.
A party paid for by the in-laws, who deserve a special mention because, well... THEY PAID!! OP did not.
So, like I said, very black and white.

Then you have in effect given your son and your daughter less than your older son. Especially If the first £75 was 'more than a few years ago where £75 got you a lot more'. If you wanted to be fair you should have given them the equivalent not the exact same amount. If I got married in 1974 and you gave me £1000 it'd buy me a house, in 1984 it wouldn't buy me a car!

But that is unfair, it's perfectly reasonable to account for inflation.
It's like saying oh we have them £2000 for a house deposit in 1986 (which would've actually been significant and covered most if not all of the deposit) so we gave the other £2000 as a house deposit in 2022 (when it wouldn't even cover the conveyancing).

He thanked the people who organised and paid for the party and his wife to be. I'm not sure what he should've been thanking you for?! The wedding is the place for thanking families for raising them supporting them etc. You have an odd sense of fairness.

Yabu. The brides family organized and paid for it so only right he should thank them. What did you do that involved thanking re the engagement party to everyone in the crowd. The thanking for your present is different and private thing later.

...............and I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people

What, to his own engagement party?

He and his future wife should have decided the guest list for their party, not you.

It seems like the fair approach would be to gift your son today's monetary equivalent of the £75 you gifted your other children when that sum got you a lot more. If money isn't an issue then £75 seems small and like you've deliberately not rounded up to at least £100. If money is an issue then of course no expectation to gift anything but it seems like you've made a bit of a song and dance over the bank transfer for a small amount.

Is there a background of tension with your son? When you said you 'had to' remind him to invite certain people could he have felt you were interfering?

I agree with your son and PPs that the wedding speech is the place for effusive thanks.

I wondered this too. Op seems ti be causing unnecessary issues here that aren't there..If she's not careful her son will distance himself further.

OP, I am so sorry you have gotten the absolutely obtuse crowd on your MN thread.🙄
Of course you are hurt and yes your son was extremely rude and thoughtless.

It was a very public happy moment being celebrated, and he chose to acknowledge his new family without a single word for his old family and where he has come from.
Appallingly rude and thoughtless.
Of course you are hurt.

He has actually let himself down hugely as of course it would have been noticed.
There is nothing more you can do if he is
refusing to accept that he has hurt you.
Hard to imagine this is in complete isolation because it was not a moment for only thanks for material things.

Has he a tendency to be a bit self absorbed?
I wouldn't go on about it as it cannot be changed, but I would prepare yourself that you may have one of those sons that becomes completely enmeshed with his in laws and forgets his birth family.

It is a thing and unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about it.
I feel your hurt and most normal people would feel the slight.
MN is not that place.
People love to give a kicking to those with hurt feelings.

This! Inflation is a thing 😂