Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

OP doesn't help, she interferes which is why her son kept her out of the engagement party planning process. He must be dreading having to field her offers "to help" with his own wedding poor sod.

I totally disagree. Nobody has to be invited to an engagement party. I think it would be fine to have an engagement party with friends and no relatives at all.

Even at a wedding, it isn't obligatory for aunts and uncles to be invited. At my sister's wedding (the only one I can talk about because it's been the only one in my immediate family), my mum was perfectly happy that her sisters were invited but her brothers weren't. Dsis doesn't dislike her uncles but they live very far away, we rarely saw them when we grew up and there was no close relationship. There's no point adding to a guest list out of a sense of obligation.

I think the OP would have received a kinder response if she had said that she offered her 'home made' contributions to the party because she wanted to help but couldn't afford to offer to help pay for the party.

It's the critisism of the 'fancy' party with the re-iteration of OP actually being wealthier than the in-laws and then saying that she wouldn't have offered to contribute to the cost of the party even if her son had asked.

It just makes her sound tight-fisted and critical.

I honestly think you are being over sensitive. It was right that your son thanked the other parents fir the party but it was in no way meant to be offensive to you

Well that explains rather a lot actually.

Yes, I can see there’s probably an element of that for some.

I think the post I quoted above is quite representative of why a lot of people stub their toe on op’s post however.

Some have given advice to the op kindly

but others have jumped in giving so called advice and been nasty that’s their real aim

we see it time and time again on MN kicking someone when their down it’s not hard to spot who would have been the playground and likely now the workplace bullies and who would have jumped on the bullies bandwagon

interesting that so many want to dismiss this

Have you not heard of sentences?

Going against the grain here but I’m a big fan of the Morrisons platter…

What’s in it?

I think there is a 'tradition' on AIBU that the OP of any thread is normally in the wrong and being unreasonable. That is why we occasionally get the annoying 'reverse' posts to try avoid this.

There is also a subset of posters who tend to automatically support the MIL, while other posters will support and defend the DIL.

This looks like bullying behaviour when the OP is clearly very vulnerable and there are recognisable poster names who get in early and put the boot in and it often sets the tone of the thread.

I don't think that this OP sounds particularly vulnerable but she does sound uncomfortable with her son's choices for his engagement party and I assume that this may carry on with the arrangements for the wedding. Her son and his bride-to-be are obviously doing things very differently to her older children and I think she is out of her comfort zone and struggling with this.

Sentences, mate. They are all the rage in communication these days. You should give them a go!

This

This is from the OP’s first post:

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all

@Calliopespa and other vociferous defenders of the OP - it was a small speech and cheers, not a lengthy or formal one.

Son thanks brides parents for planning and paying for the party. No one on OP’s side had done anything towards the party.

It was literally thank you remarks, so how the OP gets her nose out of joint for that is beyond me.

He also thanked everyone for coming to celebrate with them and for the gifts. Surely “his side of the family” is included in those thanks.

The thank you remarks and a toast at a party is a quick, gracious and informal thing. Her son has manners.

OP is only complaining because it wasn’t the type of party she approves of, no one wanted her DJ or supermarket platter, she feels it’s a waste of money which she can more easily afford than the brides parents but is unwilling to spend, and - despite saying herself the son repeated told her “it’s not that kind of party, Mum,” - was apparently shocked that it wasn’t that kind of party.

OP, I don't think we should ever feel entitled to certain responses from anyone - even those we birthed and love - BUT, if I had a good (or even great) relationship with my DC and wasn't mentioned in ANY capacity at their engagement party, I would feel sad. An engagement party is not a wedding, but your feelings are valid. Also, if I attended an engagement party where one set of parents were present but not mentioned, it would be notable. Might be a cultural thing.

What's happened has happened. Best to not make a fuss about it and move on as it doesn't seem your son meant any harm.

OP is only complaining because it wasn’t the type of party she approves of, no one wanted her DJ or supermarket platter, she feels it’s a waste of money which she can more easily afford than the brides parents but is unwilling to spend, and - despite saying herself the son repeated told her “it’s not that kind of party, Mum,” - was apparently shocked that it wasn’t that kind of party.

Agree - it sounds like OP was suggesting ideas they didn't necessarily want & is now upset that the party was a bit different from what she wanted.

You can't avoid social media & then complain you don't know what's happening. That's how people communicate as it's quicker.

Also I think £75 sent over after the event seems like an afterthought. It's not a lot to send either (unless you are short of money).

Why would he thank you at the event?

groceries.morrisons.com/categories/food-to-order/sharing-platters/d1548e0d-2717-4460-a007-8026343ba756 groceries.morrisons.com/categories/food-to-order/sharing-platters/d1548e0d-2717-4460-a007-8026343ba756]]]]

Anything you want it to be. Do we not need to do the any more?

[[

Interesting, but very different to the tone of a catered party I suppose.

Strange that u think u deserve a mention!

I just read that update about Morrison’s platters. Thank god the engaged pair chose decent food

But he was thanking them for the party, which they arranged and paid for, he wasn’t thanking them for being wonderful parents, bringing up an amazing daughter blah blah, as others have said that’ll be for the wedding speech. There was nothing as such to thank you for as you didn’t throw the party.

That's what people organise if they're indifferent to a colleague but still have to bring food for a workplace lunch for their leaving do.

OP I would suggest you join social media though for the purposes of communicating with your son and DIL and being in the loop more. Rather than waiting on information being relayed to you I would focus more on being part of the group. Suggest outings and ideas of stuff to do with them. Take ownership a bit more and be proactive.