Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Spot on !

Would it help to turn it around OP? Imagine you’d said to DS I’ll throw you an engagement party, invite the in-laws and family, I’ll get Dave from the pub to DJ we can get everyone to pitch in with decorating and a buffet and then you’d spent ages cooking sausage rolls and quiches and blowing up balloons (I’m not being at all snarky I love those sorts of parties just as much as fancy ones).

You know your future DILs parents have said to her that they’d pay for a Prosecco bar and canapés but you know your DIL has told them thanks but it’s not that kind of party, we’re not having canapés.

Everyone comes has a great time and your DIL stands up and makes a short toast and says thanks everyone for coming and special thanks to my soon to be PIL’s for putting on this lovely party.

You then notice DILs mum having words with her at the party about the fact she wasn’t mentioned in the short speech and you realise that quite a lot of your buffet hasn’t been eaten because your DILs mum has told her relatives there wouldn’t be food because DIL told her they were not having canapés.

Your DS then tells you that DILs mum has decreed that he will be responsible for giving his future MIL all information about the wedding and other events because she’s a bit useless. Who would you think was being unreasonable ?

Oh please stop with the faux outrage. I’m well aware it’s 2024, I still don’t know any men that would give a crap about the details of a party. I wouldn’t either, does that make it a bit less stereotyped for you?

Like it or not, it's a POV. It's not mine, but some people think money is flat to pile up. They clearly thought it was OTT, and if they think that, it's up to them. They were unlikely to walk out because of the ramifications?

I'm not saying that's how I see it, but I can see where the OP is coming from!!

You're the only one!

A little communication would have avoided this situation.

The wedding is going to be fun…

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make.

Bloody hell, this thread is still limping along?

You were unreasonable, OP. End of.

Giving the same amount to each child years apart is pointless as they’re not worth the same.
My older sister got married very young and I got married a lot older, so our weddings were 20 years apart.
My parents wanted to be fair with their contributions but understood that giving the same amount in 2022 as in 2002 was stupid as what we could get for that money was nothing like the same.
So they didn’t - and explained to both of us how they had worked it out.

okkkkk
even tho theres 36 pages of replies and if you didnt understand mine you could just scrolled past......
Especially as @TorroFerney had already indicated an issue. i.m watching paint dry-so i will disect//untangle .....
"start as you MEAN(?)to go on...ok i get it-the to be inlaws paid(is this customary?)...wedding too?
was very right to thank
and all givers of gifts.
you/he? KNOW(defo u)your financial situation...
HER ma/da sorted part n $ required.
what do you want?"

Start as mean go on. (not rocket science-but) your son engaged,you "invited" to party HER parents hosted,gave gift.expect thanks(hesaid appeciated ALL gifts so---thanked for? creating him?
pick your fights?
HER parents paid,therefore thanks merited specifically for that.
what do you want(thankt for?)
any clearer?(not even being being twatty-it says same thing to me) @adriftinadenofvipers

What?

seriously?

I agree with you that if OP's son was a skilled speech maker, or a dignitary or royalty with a bevy of speech writers behind him, he'd have worked in a mention of his own parents (without giving away that they hadn't helped pay because they thought the party was OTT).
But I cannot get my head around falling out with your own child because they have done something that is Not Proper Form.
I find the description of the speech so charming, giving thanks to his fiancée for agreeing to marry him! To respond with snipes about it being crass, instead of being able to enjoy it for the sweet, unpolished moment that it was - as I said, I can't get my head around it.

I think she was just hurt.

But anyway I’m sure the poor woman has well and truly left the thread.

And I hope she doesn’t fall out with them. I’m sure the family are far less outraged by her offer of a Dj or a Morrisons sandwich tray or her telling the family to not go on an empty stomach than many posters on this thread are - because let’s face it, they couldn’t really be more hostile about it could they.

Yes, seriously. Your writing style is extremely confused and not easy to follow.

I noticed it straight away but scrolled past. It didn't matter.

But now you're arguing about it I'll wade in behind @TheShellBeach.

Just think of all the others that just scrolled by..

I can't get over the op telling her son who he should invite to his own engagement party.

When my mum got married way back in the 60s, there were loads of guests that she didn't really know (presumably distant relatives) but which her own parents insisted had to be invited.

I thought we had moved on since those days.

Mum remembered how much she had hated it so when my sister got married, she made it clear that dsis and her husband should only invite people they really wanted to be there and didn't make any suggestions herself let alone try to dictate the guest list.

I would expect that to be the way things happened now, with engagement parties even more than with weddings.

Yawn.

The OP shouldn't have had to remind her DS to invite his aunts and uncles, unless they have a poor relationship.

aye ok
ano that.im here to try n improve that as much as anything. i wasnt arguing? i attempted to clrify all be it a extended effort/insignificunt\not related to op
if you want to show support -wire in. changes nothing.
i will not think of the others who scrolled by !!!!!.......what is that about? its
ALWAYS an option. Unless im total wrong (which wouldnt necessrily be new) its a easy join forum,with no academic qualifications required.take what you get- fitted as standard
my writing style may be confusing(not intent)to read.i knew what i said-even once the first sniper hit.thats ok.
so am i

What post will get in next:
OP comes back to tell complain about her son's wedding barn wedding with pizza trucks (we could have just cooked pizzas in the oven!)
Or DIL coming on to ask how to stop her MIL using her as her DH's social secretary and constantly asking for clarification on plans when she's told "ye we're just going to the pub for drinks"

I didn't see spite or distain, I saw a hurt mother

The OP shouldn't have had to remind her DS to invite his aunts and uncles, unless they have a poor relationship

You do realise it’s not mandatory to invite them? DH and I got married several decades ago but we didn’t do that even back then. We had a budget and that would fit x number of people. We did, by ourselves, no interference, a list of immediate essential family (being parents/siblings), and then family we were really close to and wanted to be there. Then we did long-term friends next, then immediate friends/colleagues we wanted (who realistically may/may not be in our lives 20 years down the road but were important in that immediate term), then family who were neither here nor there to us personally. Once costings came in, with our budget, our line had to be drawn part-way through the immediate friend/colleague section and there were no partners for that group to try and pack more in, all explained transparently to people. That cohort consisted of groups that all knew each other so were happy to come together without partners if the alternative was not being able to come due to our budget constraints.

I do have experience of a meddling parent as DH’s parents were ‘mortified’ that most of their relatives were not invited and then even tried to give us $$ so that they could come. No way we wanted their money or them being able to dictate/meddle in our day and the way we wanted it. It wasn’t as though it was just DH’s family excluded. For example I only had one aunt invited and three cousins, whereas I have several aunts/uncles and a multitude of cousins. I couldn’t have cared whether the others were there though so why would we invite them. DH’s parents just couldn’t let stuff like this alone, or exactly what the food would be and so on, so we did what 99.99% of people do when faced with these people and we told them nothing further, just vague ‘all in hand’, ‘I don’t have the detail on me and can’t recall’. Needless to say we also didn’t want a close relationship with such people and essentially didn’t have one. That’s the result when people do this.

Every offer she made to help was rebuffed.

But every offer involved fundamentally changing the event. OP offered suggestions for cheap food when her son and his fiancée had already chosen caterers. She suggested getting cheaper balloons and confetti and making decorations herself instead of those provided professionally. She tried to gear them towards a particular type of entertainment they didn’t want.

If it had been a more traditional home catered family party and one side of the family had refused the offer of any extra food or help with decorations, I’d understand. But OP is disappointed that her son and his fiancée didn’t want her “help” to turn it into an entirely different event. It’s like offering to help someone redecorate, but only if they cancel the specially mixed Farrow and Ball they’d ordered and use the leftover white emulsion you’ve got sitting in the garage instead.

It’s like offering to help someone redecorate, but only if they cancel the specially mixed Farrow and Ball they’d ordered and use the leftover white emulsion you’ve got sitting in the garage instead.

This is great! Like so many others, I was racking my brains yesterday for a perfect analogy. You've nailed it.

To rub salt in the wound, OP huffed "I could have paid for it!" She could - but, what? Didn't think they were worth it? Only pays when she's in control? Hoped the party would be a washout, so she could say "Should have had the Morrisons platters"? She could - but chose to contribute seventy-five whole pounds and whine about not getting thanked in public.