Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

So reverse it, if you wanted a hand made frock and your mother insisted that you wore Gucci you'd not be happy.

Imagine complaining about your son showing good manners and thanking his in-laws to be for paying for and arranging the whole engagement party. And then imagine thinking you should be mentioned in the speech for gifting £75!

I agree with @summersolsticesoon

@Whoisunreasonable

you have not told us what were these things you hadn't seen before.

you have eventually informed us that there were canapes / ' fancy ' desserts / prosecco bar

and please tell us when is the wedding ?!!!

I agree with this.

I can understand how the OP would have felt left out. Every offer she made to help was rebuffed. She wasn't told what to expect from the party while the ILs were involved to the extent of funding it. It seems to have been on a much grander scale than the OP is used to, and I think it would have been kind for the groom to have told his parents what to expect in advance.

I totally disagree about this being the way he was brought up. My DS communicates less than my DDs and they were all reared in the same way. It's his personality - I think it's a bit of a 'man thing' sometimes.

I get the impression that the DS considers himself way above Morrison's platters - maybe it's the influence of his fiancee?

Would all of you jumping on the bandwagon of criticism really not feel bad if they were basically excluded, with effusive thanks going to the IL parents, and dear old mum and dad didn't rate a mention? It made it very obvious to all the guests too that his parents weren't involved.

If you think that's fine, well that's on you.

@Whoisunreasonable hopefully your DS will redress the imbalance on the wedding day. I do think you should try to open up lines of communication better in advance of it, so that you know what's happening? Not that you should be consulted, or influence any decisions, just be informed. And let this go. Everyone will have forgotten about it already but you.

nope-i know what i said.

It's clear that this party was on a scale that the OP isn't used to, and maybe was not quite comfortable with. I don't think that's difficult to understand?

We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.

i think this hits the nail on the head. You disagree with what they want so wouldn’t pay towards it. That’s fine, your son clearly knows this so wouldn’t ask you to contribute. Beware, I am sure the cost of a wedding would have exponentially grown since your eldest got married. So it you are giving the same monetary gift, it certainly won’t have the same inflationary value and thus won’t go as far.

in response to your question I think you ABU as the engagement party isn’t the place for all the thanks. Also I think you are more concerned about what others think.

i have a feeling you are similar to a family member of mine…. Would come along to events, disagree with those event and frivolity of them, and make it known in passive aggressive ways. I wouldn’t want my future mil to sort a disco out for my party so you also shouldn’t take offence at that.

your updates haven’t really changed my mind but solidified it. I see a tense future ahead.

Don't become the bitter in-law where it's all about you! This should be about your son and daughter in law and you should be happy for them. Sending a card and transferring £75 doesn't sound thoughtful at all.. other normal guests would have done that .. a nice engraved cake lifter and knife with the date of their engagement or something thoughtful would have been much better... We paid for our quite expensive wedding with a small amount of help from my husbands parents and no contribution from my parents as they had just contributed towards my sisters wedding... we wanted a more lavish affair than they could afford and understood this but somehow my mum expected to me made a fuss of and thanked despite no monetary contribution at all.. We included her as much as possible but I think she thought it was her wedding and was loving everyone telling her how beautiful everything was etc ... we obviously didn't tell anyone they didn't contribute but it definitely felt weird that she wanted it to be all about her!

Children can be a nightmare to get information out of, any information, let alone details!
I wonder if your son wants things done very differently to his siblings. Especially if it's quite a while since their weddings. Not that there was anything wrong with their weddings etc but times and 'the done thing' change. It also can be vastly different depending on if you're city, rural etc etc.
It sounds as though they had a party that was organised the way they wanted it. That's not a snub to you and your ideas, but I've had to grow a thick skin and not take things personally when our offspring have had celebrations. They do things very differently to us!
Deep breaths and maybe have them round for dinner or take them and her parents out for dinner to let them share their wedding plans with you? That way you might find out a bit more. And for goodness sake, the only thing to say to every single idea is 'that sounds lovely' etc etc.

Why wouldn’t she be comfortable?

Unless she has a genuine phobia of “fancy” things or perhaps a disability that would stop her from entering and moving round the venue with ease, then I’m sorry but I genuinely don’t understand.

As many posters have pointed out, it screams reverse snobbery.

I agree too with some of the points in more recent posts - the OP clearly didn't approve of the lavish scale of the party, but it wasn't her decision. She could have offered to pay a share of it but she chose not to.

@Whoisunreasonable I think you are going to have to rein your disapproval in during the run-up to the wedding or there will be a massive fall-out. If the engagement party was what you consider to be more fancy than you would have wanted, you can rest assured that the wedding will be more of the same! You really are going to have to zip it if you want to preserve your relationship with your son. Do you like his fiancee?

It's not up to anyone here to figure out why she felt uncomfortable with the scale of things. Maybe they just aren't a showy family? Maybe they consider lavish parties vulgar and unnecessary? Or maybe they're careful with money and think this was a waste of it?

I think those feelings are understandable if that's the lifestyle the OP lives? I don't think it necessarily "screams reverse snobbery"? Maybe they think it's far from the bowl their DS was baked in?

It isn’t understandable at all, because the OP and her husband did not pay for it or host it.

If she was that uncomfortable and found it “vulgar” and “unnecessary” then she should have walked straight back out the door.

Imagine being invited to your son’s party to celebrate his engagement and coming away uncomfortable due to it being “lavish”.

Pathetic.

Think he did it right to be fair. Thanking those that helped.

Whoisunreasonable · Today 10:55

"The food was canapés, a stand full of fancy desserts and a bar for Prosecco."

I have just spent 20 mins looking for fancy things hoping for ideas for an elegant soirée.

These things are not fancy they are perfectly normal for a catered party.
I was curious if you might mention a martini espresso bars, tented ceilings with Thousands of twinkling lights, surprise service- singing waiters or huge grazing boards.
You need to get out more OP there is a whole world beyond Morrisons platters!

Your son probably wasn’t that involved in the party planning either, it’s not something men tend to be interested in, my husband would just let me get on with it and probably switch off if I was telling him about it.

What is wrong with the people on this thread? Did you actually read that back to yourself?

I can understand how the OP would have felt left out. Every offer she made to help was rebuffed. She wasn't told what to expect from the party while the ILs were involved to the extent of funding it. It seems to have been on a much grander scale than the OP is used to, and I think it would have been kind for the groom to have told his parents what to expect in advance.

But the OP wasn't hosting the party! Either the bride's parents were, or the B&G were. The arrangements were none of the OP's business.

Not every social event is a communal effort or pot luck. All she had to do was show up. Canapes and fizz aren't so exotic that she needed to be forewarned about them.

£75 omg how embarrassing!! Get over yourself you did nothing to be thanked for.

£75 is a joke.

WTF? It's 2024! Not all men are useless stereotypes.

T'other way about my DF paid for all of my DB's wedding reception a big hotel DSIS's father said he wasn't going to do it . As Father of the bride DSis"s father gave the speech and thanked my father for his contribution. I think he (DF ) initially thought - contribution! I've paid for the whole thing and then he took a breath and said - Ach , It' my son's wedding I'm not going to get wound up about it.

That is reverse snobbery.

Plus, from your earlier post:
Not that you should be consulted, or influence any decisions, just be informed.

OP's whole issue is that she wasn't consulted - though she continued to provide unwanted advice - and still feels she should've been empowered to make the decisions.

It's made even worse by her repeated assertions of wealth. If true, there's no reason she couldn't have offered to pay for the bar. Instead, she complains that she could've saved the fiancée's parents money by bringing home-made decorations. Why put yourself out to save other people's money, when they're happy to spend it? Why not offer the extra money yourself, as you can afford it?

It's not about helping at all, is it. It's about imposition.

OP ; "I do understand I overstepped here but son is to blame too."

You come across as overbearing and judgemental, idk whether you are or not.
Just be supportive of your son.

Ps. There was 8 years difference in my siblings weddings - giving them the exact same amount of cash would mean the younger sibling received significantly less money as a gift.
There's a thing called inflation.

You sound like 'the one' in high school that didn't contribute to the group assignment but wants to put their name on it for the mark... Get over yourself @Whoisunreasonable