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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not thanked at engagement party

1000 replies

Whoisunreasonable · 08/11/2024 00:28

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

OP posts:
Freysimo · 09/11/2024 17:57

I'd actually be thrilled NOT to be involved in any planning etc and just enjoy being a guest.

Gloriia · 09/11/2024 17:59

FavouriteTshirt · 09/11/2024 17:47

We got married a long time ago.

We had two lightweight Antler suitcases on our John Lewis gift list.

My FIL said to me that instead there were some really nice-looking suitcases for quite cheap in Aldi.

I said thank you but we really wanted the lightweight antler ones because we knew we'd be doing a lot of long-haul travel over the years, and that we'd wait and get them eventually.

He bought us the Aldi ones.

We bought the antler ones with gift vouchers in the end.

We used the Aldi ones as storage for a few years, the handle snapped on one just getting it in the loft and eventually we got rid.

Antler ones still going strong with a lot of air miles done.

The Aldi ones were a complete waste of money because they were not what we wanted!!

OP, please only give gifts/time that is wanted, otherwise you're just imposing yourself and seen as an irritant, not a generous family member.

Yes op please do pay attention and remember the pricier the better regarding gift buying.

Wonder what will be on their list? I do hope the op keeps us updated I bet the wedding and the preparation will be the mumsnet gift that keeps on giving.

Liverpool52 · 09/11/2024 18:00

SpiritOfEcstasy · 09/11/2024 17:48

A DD is a DD for all of her life … a DS is a DS till he finds a wife … as the old rhyme goes …

Well yes if you've raised your son that keeping in touch with his family is women's work. Op has no-one else to blame than her and her son's dad if he's crap at communication because that's not inate behaviour, it's learnt.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 09/11/2024 18:03

He thanked the in-laws-to-be for hosting the engagement party. You didn't host the engagement party so thanking you too might have made the thanks to the bride's parents sound a bit hollow.

I'm sure you will be mentioned in the wedding speeches.

Cyb3rg4l · 09/11/2024 18:06

Calliopespa · 09/11/2024 17:31

Wow. Are you personally invested in attacking this woman? I just feel sorry for her the more you go at her …

Show quote history

OP posted on Mumsnet a platform for sharing opinions to gather opinions. I’m sharing my opinion and it happens to be a low opinion. It’s not my role on this platform to lie about my opinion or to validate what I consider to be objectively bad behaviour. OP is keeping the thread going by responding which is her choice. I am operating within the parameters of the platform. So, interested and entertained in a car crash kind of way, but not personally invested, no.

Thalia31 · 09/11/2024 18:08

Whoisunreasonable · 08/11/2024 00:40

He did thank us when we gave them the money. We brought a card to the party and I bank transferred them the money the day after the party but from the looks of it they got a lot of money from other guests too.

He is right it wasn’t a full on wedding speech but I still feel we got a bit snubbed. Everyone was given a glass of champagne and he got emotional and said he loved everyone and thanks for coming and bringing the presents. He thanked DIL for agreeing to marry him and then he thanked her family for paying and planning for the whole party. I just felt completely cut out and like he could have thanked us for everything we have done for him. Not even the money which was just a small token.

I did try to help with the party as I said I could go up and help decorate and put confetti and balloons out and he just kept telling me no thanks it was sorted they’d hired people for that. It feels like it was highlighted they paid for this big fancy do and we did nothing even though I tried and also suggested an engagement meal after they got engaged but then the party got planned.

You are sounding quite selfish and self important, please pull yourself together before they start distancing themselves from you.

Josie901 · 09/11/2024 18:14

Freysimo · 09/11/2024 17:57

I'd actually be thrilled NOT to be involved in any planning etc and just enjoy being a guest.

Yes, I'll encourage mine to get a planner - in fact, I'd happily pay for it if they didn't want to pay for it but liked the idea of one. Money v well spent imo. They even deal with family politics and have difficult convos. 😂 My mum, MIL and our sisters were treated like VIPs at our wedding and we paid for them to have their hair and makeup done. They just relaxed on the day.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 09/11/2024 18:19

Gloriia · 09/11/2024 17:00

'If someone wants Gucci then an home made frock isn't going to be the same is it?'

What an awful, condescending attitude and why all the caps? You do realise that reads as shouting don't you? Stop shouting.

But how is it condescending? This isn’t about some sort of ingratitude for a cheaper alternative. It’s about OP sticking her oar on and judging them for spending actual money, even though it wasn’t her money to worry about.

If we’re using your analogy, someone turning their nose up if their mother had made them a dress instead of buying them a designer one would indeed some condescending if you knew there wasn’t the money there to buy one. But that’s not the situation here. Here the OP is being condescending and bitching about the fact that the bride's parents were thanked for buying the metaphorical Gucci frock, but that she got zero thanks for saying “Ooh, no, don’t waste your money - I’ll run one up on the Singer”.

JolieFilleCommentCaVa · 09/11/2024 18:25

Calliopespa · 09/11/2024 13:13

Do you? Because I don’t.

I think it’s a mum who was out of her depth with the scale and style of what was planned and the full realisation of that dawned when she arrived at the event, only to find that as the groom’s mum she seemed to have less idea of what was going on than the others, got chastised by him at the event, then in front of all the guests listened to him thanking his new ILs, thanking the guests, and no mention of his parents who just weren’t the full ticket when it came to laying on swanky parties like his new ILs. The world of tacky old mum and dad and their Morrisons sandwich platters is a thing of his past.

No parent likes to feel like that.

Has op made mistakes and misjudgments? Yes, I’d say quite a few. But were they all designed to be nasty? I really don’t think so. Would I like a Morrisons sandwich buffet for my engagement? No. But would I give them the heads-up if I thought they were not prepared for the vibe of the evening? Absolutely I would.

Edited
Show quote history

Out of her depth? 😂 About what?

It was a party. Parties are happy times for people to relax, celebrate, catch up and enjoy themselves. There shouldn’t be this much level of upset and drama. There really shouldn’t.

Like all guests, all the OP had to do was …. Turn up! It’s that easy. Why did she need to know “what was going on”? And why did she need to know the “scale and style of what was planned”?

This is all so fucking nuts 😂 thanking my lucky stars my family don’t kick off and interfere like this.
Here’s the time, date and location of my party please come and enjoy yourselves, that’s it! Fucking hell talk about first world problems.

PorridgeEater · 09/11/2024 18:31

ShyMaryEllen · 08/11/2024 00:32

I assume he thanked you for the money when you gave it to him? If so, there was nothing to thank you for at the party, which was their celebration, and paid for by the in-laws. I'm not sure what you think you should have been thanked for, really

The wedding is the time for thanking both sets of parents for bringing them up and making them the people they are, not the engagement party.

This

givememypassport · 09/11/2024 18:33

I dont understand what he should have thanked you for. Can't believe you bought it up with him either. Very selfish, immature and inappropriate . You remind me of my MIL - always thinking of herself and making trouble.

Nicho59 · 09/11/2024 18:38

£75 after the event tbh is a bit of an insult in this day and age. And then to come on here and expect support for not being mentioned even though you hadn't given them the gift wtf!

downwindofyou · 09/11/2024 18:38

Gloriia · 09/11/2024 17:00

'If someone wants Gucci then an home made frock isn't going to be the same is it?'

What an awful, condescending attitude and why all the caps? You do realise that reads as shouting don't you? Stop shouting.

Yes. I was shouting. Because the OP is struggling to hear

Iceboy80 · 09/11/2024 18:39

You are very strange, what is it you want thanking for exactly? Stop the self entitlement and pity party it's ridiculous and growing up a little wouldn't help either. Some parents simply can't afford to help their children obviously you can't or wouldn't or maybe you would have offered towards the contribution but nowadays most parents don't anyway, it seems your more embarrassed about what others are thinking knowing you must not have contributed, but so what.

downwindofyou · 09/11/2024 18:41

@Calliopespa

I don’t like Gucci anyway. Think I’d take the homemade frock …
But it's not about you is it. The OP is being like you. Thinking of what would be her preference rather than what the recipients wanted

Laura95167 · 09/11/2024 18:41

He thanked them for throwing the party because they threw the party. He didn't you for throwing it because you didn't

Buffs · 09/11/2024 18:42

So you wanted your son to make some public acknowledgement of his gratitude to you? YABVU.

Pipsquiggle · 09/11/2024 18:47

SpiritOfEcstasy · 09/11/2024 17:48

A DD is a DD for all of her life … a DS is a DS till he finds a wife … as the old rhyme goes …

@SpiritOfEcstasy
Please just stop perpetuating this shite saying.
Men are perfectly capable of keeping in touch with their blood relatives once they're married

Marieb19 · 09/11/2024 18:47

You didn't do anything and you pay for anything. Why should you be publicly thanked.

DiduAye · 09/11/2024 18:50

Get a grip or you will be THAT MIL There was nothing to thank you for as you contributed NOTHING to organising the party

Jumpers4goalposts · 09/11/2024 18:50

I just don’t understand what you want to be thanked for? From what you’ve said you didn’t pay anything towards the party, and you didn’t do anything for the party. Which is both fine, but then it seemed the thank you to her parents was about them paying and arranging the party which they did.

croydon15 · 09/11/2024 18:53

I'm sorry but £75 years ago is just a lot more now, £75 is a very small amount especially if you are well off as you have implied, so l would not expect a lot of thanks for that on the day.

Mayana1 · 09/11/2024 18:57

Whoisunreasonable · 08/11/2024 00:44

I messsged them a few weeks before the party saying there was no point in getting them a gift we would just give them money and they kept saying don’t be silly we don’t need a gift we just want you to celebrate with us. I told them I was giving it to them and they said thank you and also thanks when I sent it. The in laws didn’t get them anything as the party was their engagement present.

Show quote history

I know you will give them much more for their wedding, but the in-laws engagement present was worth so much more than £75. So yes, of course he was thankful, but still I do understand your point, he should just say thank you mom and dad so I can be here today with my bride to be.

TorroFerney · 09/11/2024 19:01

tolerable · 09/11/2024 00:44

start as you MEAN(?)to go on...ok i get it-the to be inlaws paid(is this customary?)...wedding too?
was very right to thank
and all givers of gifts.
you/he? KNOW(defo u)your financial situation...
HER ma/da sorted part n $ required.
what do you want?

I want you to have another run up at that post, making it intelligible.

summersolsticesoon · 09/11/2024 19:06

@Whoisunreasonable

I am curious. What were these things you have never seen before? .
Now you have seen them would you consider using them at a fabulous party?

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