Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

What sort of "important update"?

Surely all you need to know is the date and venue. I doubt they're having Morrisons platters for that either (an important update for you).

Also, why do you need to know what's "happening" for an adult's birthday? Surely you just send a card, maybe buy a gift, maybe ask if there's a night he'd like to come over to dinner (good opportunity for your Morrisons platters) or meet up for a drink?

'Also, why do you need to know what's "happening" for an adult's birthday'

Her son's birthday, not any old adult. I think I may be guilty of this faux pas by asking Mum once what we're doing for Dad's birthday. I didn't commit the mn crime of bringing a Morrisons platter though. Tbh I didn't know they did them I quite fancy one now. What's on these platters?

Wow.

Pro tip for the wedding. Do not tell them who they should invite.

He obviously wanted the guests to know who was responsible for the lovely party that they were all enjoying.

The engagement party was obviously the type of party that OP's son and fiancee wanted. It's their engagement party so it should meet their requirements.

If the OP wants to throw a party for a milestone birthday or wedding anniversary for her and her husband, it is absolutely her decision on the type of venue/catering/decorations/DJ etc. If her family then sneers at her venue/buffet/decorations/DJ or refuses to go, I would absolutely agree that they were up their own backside and being unfair to OP.

He DID thank everyone for coming and for the gifts. OP said so at the start.

It’s not “beyond crass” to thank the in-laws for paying - this party was thrown BY the in-laws for the engaged couple. It was their party in honour of their daughter and future son in law. What would he “beyond crass” would be to not acknowledge their generosity.

The OP suggested a friend of a friend DJ and was told it wasn’t that sort of part. She wanted to blow up balloons and put confetti on tables and was told there were party planners who are decorating the venue. She suggests a Morrison’s platter that Auntie Doris had at her party for the buffet and was told there wasn’t a buffet.

At every turn the son has tried to explain the type of party they were holding and the OP wouldn’t let it go.

Although after the Morrison’s comment I’m thinking this is an elaborate prank on us all - I mean, Morrison’s? Costco or M&S I could go with, Morrison’s is jumping the shark.

“Let’s celebrate your impending nuptials with a value platter from a less successful supermarket chain” said no mother of the groom ever.

Come on @Whoisunreasonable tell us? Did you know about the canapés?

I bet you did know but you thought that posh, small canapés wouldn't be to you/your family's liking so you passive aggressively told everyone that there was no food.

Blocked at every hurdle !!!! Oh, the drama.

Mostly, you failed to understand that someone else was organising the party. I would have understood immediately that it was someone else’s party and that I was a guest. A vip guest, but still a guest. My job was to arrive on time, looking nice, there to meet family and to be gracious.

You did the right thing - You offered to get involved, they said that didn’t need help. The end.

If my dc pulled a stunt like this I'd be mortified. Parents and inlaws should all get treated equally.

But we’re not talking about buying one set of parents a £200 coffee maker for Christmas and sticking 20 quid in an envelope for the others. They weren’t “treated equally” here because one side had paid for a lovely party and the other had refused to get the message that it wasn’t an “all muck in on the buffet and ask Pete’s cousin to do the DJing” affair.

So, having got nowhere with your son you now plan to ‘press’ your future DIL. This is not a good idea. They know where you are, if they want or need your help they will ask. If they don’t ask, let them get on with it. Their life, their choices not yours.

She told her own family to make sure to eat as there wasn’t going to be a buffet. There’s no reason not to accept her word that this was intended to avoid awkwardness. At every juncture, the worst possible motives are being attributed to op.

Whatrver way you look at it, DS hadn’t communicated well. If he’d said there will be loads of food, just not on a buffet, op could not have said what she said. It’s stretching to try to pretend she would have.

Further, it sounds as if lots of the info was on SM. My mum would be the same and not know how to access that. That’s why I’d make a point of looping her in verbally, so she didn’t feel at a distance with it all.

@Gloriia yes she does need to rethink her stance on social media as current communication with her DS is not working for her - everyone on the FB invite knew about the food situation.
There could be loads of info on the wedding online that they don't know about but is easily accessible if they just joined FB.

Just because your DPs don't have social media and it works for you is completely irrelevant.

She says she got an invite like everyone else. Somehow everyone else who received an invite seemed to understand there would be food of some description, turned up ready to eat, ate the food.

How is it OP managed to miss the message that everyone else so easily understood? It’s as if ‘a buffet’ is the only catering option in the universe for her, Morrison platters or otherwise, so if there’s no buffet everyone starves. Has she never attended an event outside of her own home or local village hall? Is outside catering so utterly unimaginable?

And if she was worried people might starve on hearing the shocking ‘no buffet’ news wouldn’t the next logical question be ok shall we eat before we come then? before randomly spreading misinformation across the family?

Good news is it seems like son has her number and is willing to shut her antics down. Bad news is she’s now planning on ‘pressing’ her future DIL for wedding information. No lessons learned here then.

@Cyb3rg4l
It sounds like all this info was on the FB invite but @Whoisunreasonable 'doesn't do social media'
Of course, this is her prerogative, however, she expects to be informed individually which is extra work for DS and DIL also they might forget or be busy doing something else etc.

Morrisons platters?
⤵️🦈
Immensely enjoyable thread @Whoisunreasonable.
I'd fork out for the novel. Or at least ask my library to get it in.

“Extra work!!?” It’s their mum/ mil-to-be!

Why is it that having a normal conversation with close family has become work?! Plenty of my friend’s do not use SM/ fb etc. perhaps rather than blaming the guests, the hosts should do tge “ work.” I expect the majority were the couples friends and all saw the SM details of the event.

Maybe she hasn’t attended an event with non buffet catering. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who’s being snobby now?

Does not do social media - yet here we are on mumsnet. Ok 😂

She’s basically annoyed they had a not to her taste party, annoyed that they did not ask for a financial contribution despite saying she would not feel comfortable contributing even though she could afford to do so, (ask me so I can say no??) and embarrassed that by not being included in the thankyou to the parents who paid for the party everyone now knows she had nothing to do with it.

She feels she has lost face, and she has because she has revealed herself as extremely controlling - to the future in laws at the very least. But she did that to herself.

Honestly this is the stuff of family legend - ‘Do you remember that thread grandma posted before mummy and daddy were even married? Thats why you are not allowed to be alone with grandma!’ And this is only the beginning - what’s the run up to the actual wedding going to look like??😂

This thread is one of the nastiest I’ve seen.

I think posting a very outing story about how your son didn’t thank you when you’d done nothing to warrant thanks, whilst simultaneously expressing your distaste of various elements of the party, is pretty nasty.

My bad. maybe this is in fact one of those non-specific marvels she referred to as ‘things she did not know even existed’ prior to this party. It’s a whole new world.

Maybe it is.

Hmm, OP told everyone in her family to eat first as there'd be no food, and they all knew there was food because they're on the FB page about the event, and they didn't tell OP about her error before the party?

What I think is that this is about OP having told the extended family members who she 'reminded' her son to invite, that's there was no food. And then when there was food, felt shown up in front of those people for not knowing what was happening re the party, as she feels she should have been involved and maybe that they would judge her for not being involved. This is about OP feeling shown up in front of 'her' guests at the party

@Gloriia

No. He of course should thank them, just why in a speech? With his own parents sat there mortified at being excluded from all the plans and preparation.
Are you seriously this rude? So you don't thank the hosts? Who dragged you up? Of course you thank the people who hosted a party for you

@Calliopespa
I actually, in part, agree with you, however, it sounds like her DS is really crap at communicating with OP.
Coupled with busy lives and having an effective communication route to the vast majority of people attending, people can forget to update individuals - even if they are parents.

OP is now saying she is going to text DIL to get info. I hope this doesn't piss DIL off. It would do my head in if my MIL did this all the time (because it does sound like OP texts her son a lot).
Sounds like they have info online which OP could easily access. I mean she's on bloody Mumsnet FGS!

It was really odd to tell everyone to eat first but ultimately it seems your son is happy to sit back and let his fiance organise stuff, which is fine tbh often one person is more interested in that sort of thing. Unfortunately that means less opportunity for you to get involved though.

The wedding will probably be very different to what you expect too, I would just take a step back and enjoy it.