Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Do you? Because I don’t.

I think it’s a mum who was out of her depth with the scale and style of what was planned and the full realisation of that dawned when she arrived at the event, only to find that as the groom’s mum she seemed to have less idea of what was going on than the others, got chastised by him at the event, then in front of all the guests listened to him thanking his new ILs, thanking the guests, and no mention of his parents who just weren’t the full ticket when it came to laying on swanky parties like his new ILs. The world of tacky old mum and dad and their Morrisons sandwich platters is a thing of his past.

No parent likes to feel like that.

Has op made mistakes and misjudgments? Yes, I’d say quite a few. But were they all designed to be nasty? I really don’t think so. Would I like a Morrisons sandwich buffet for my engagement? No. But would I give them the heads-up if I thought they were not prepared for the vibe of the evening? Absolutely I would.

'He of course should thank them'

I did say he should thank them <see above>, just not so pointedly in a formal speech whilst shaming parents by excluding them. Guests were all informed of who paid weren't they? Very crass.

My parents brought me up, there wasn't any dragging, to be polite and kind. We should all try it.

'Does not do social media - yet here we are on mumsnet. Ok'

It isn't the same. Posting anonymously on chat forums is not social media in the sense we all know it ie Facebook, IG, etc. Many people don't do sm but post on chat forums.

Was it even a formal speech anyway?

It was a probably just a toast "thank you all for coming and thanks to Fred and Nancy for this lovely do, cheers".

I'm thinking back to my nephew's engagement party, there weren't any speeches.

@Gloriia then you have been brought up very differently from me and a lot of other people here.

If someone throws a party for you then you absolutely thank them at the event. That is standard good manners. You thank the hosts at the event. 'Thank you to XXXX for providing us with this glorious event and I'm sure we are all in agreement that they have done a magnificent job' type of this. And often the rest of the guests will clap to show their appreciation. This is what happens at all levels of society from humble gatherings through to royal events and corporate functions. It's what one does. Apart from in your family apparently.

I doubt it was even a ‘swanky’ or ‘fancy’ party just a nice organised and catered event. From the description we’ve had - balloon arches, canapés, ‘fancy’ deserts and Prosecco, it sounds rather normal for a venue party these days. Certainly nothing extravagant - although we still don’t know what these ‘things I had no idea existed’ are.

So I really don’t see why the OP needed a heads up other than to put on a nice party outfit, turn up and enjoy! It’s not like she was unwittingly attending a Royal event or a society gathering

Actually I’d agree with @Gloriia.

You are correct that it does happen now; but that is a relatively new ( and rather gauche) development. It’s fine to thank for effort but funding of an event should not be mentioned - and since there was in this case predominantly just funding, he’d have been on far firmer ground to thank for support or their part celebrating in with them etc, which should have extended to both parents. It does get mentioned, I’m not going to criticise DS for doing so because it’s a thing these days. But it isn’t really polite to make guests feel financially indebted. Hosting should be a more subtle act than a “and here’s who footed the bill” announcement.

ETA it’s an outgrowth of corporate events and fundraising to make those kind of statements. It would once never have happened at a family function.

If your mum is suggesting Morrisons platters you know she isn’t expecting caterers.

Whatrver way you look at it, DS hadn’t communicated well. If he’d said there will be loads of food, just not on a buffet, op could not have said what she said. It’s stretching to try to pretend she would have

Hmmmm. I would say that DS knows his mum and the reason for any lack of communication was to avoid harassment.Face it, if he had of given details they would likely be met with ‘but why’, ‘I can do it’, ‘have you even looked at the Morrison’s platters I told you about’, ‘oh, that type of food…… well that wouldn’t be any good for great aunt Rhonda’s digestive issues so I’ll do a dish myself and bring it so she’ll be fine (noting the couple never wanted great aunt Rhonda in the first place and were harassed into inviting her), ‘so what colour confetti for the tables as I’m thinking a purple theme, in fact I’ve got lots of spare purple confetti left over from my last celebration so problem solved’. I’d say he didn’t want to put up with that shit after clearly communicating what they wanted and were having. Hence lack of info put out = lack of grief he would have otherwise been subjected to.

Though by sounds of it she was told what sort of party it was but chose not to take that on board.

I get it’s not her sort of thing but I do feel she’s chosen to ignore what she was told and decided in her own head. Potentially the venue would have been a give away that this was a bit more than a bit of a knees up

'This is what happens at all levels of society from humble gatherings through to royal events and corporate functions. It's what one does. Apart from in your family apparently.'

I beg to differ. It isn't just 'my family' who would recognise the sensitivities of having 2 sets of parents present and thanking one while the other set were rebuffed when offered to be included and sat there feeling no doubt very awkward at said speech.

But, as I say Ive been brought up to be polite and kind. It is sadly lacking these days. We only have to look at some of the depressing mil threads we see on here,

I agree.

And as for the royal events comment… I honestly can’t imagine Charles got up at William’s wedding and traced the intricacies of the funding. I mean loads of royal events would essentially become “ thanks to the taxpayer…”

So I really don’t see why the OP needed a heads up other than to put on a nice party outfit, turn up and enjoy!

And she didn't even manage to do that.

Her spite, disdain and venom ooze out of all her posts.

She disapproved of it all.

She was so determined for it to go wrong that she even told all her side of the family to eat dinner before attending. SMH.

Yes agree with this. We don't tell my PIL anything anymore because from our wedding plans until we stopped telling them stuff it bordered on harassment. They'd literally bombard us with messages and phone calls about why what we were doing was not the way it should be done and how we should do it all their way. Even coming into our home just replacing things that weren't to their liking. Absolute batshit behaviour and nothing we've done differently to them has ever gone wrong.

It was partly this behaviour that led to me going NC with them and DH LC.

Can you really not see why son chooses not to be clear on purpose? Hopefully you can self reflect and see that perhaps you are over bearing and normally impose your views. Nagging your dil for information isn’t the answer either. If you have to ‘press’ her for more information then it means it’s information that they would rather not give freely to you and there must be a reason for that. I suspect you won’t self reflect tho, you don’t come across as the sort. And when they start having children you will be further alienated if you choose to carry on in the same manner.

Amongst other things, the OP has said:

I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I did try to help with the party as I said I could go up and help decorate and put confetti and balloons out and he just kept telling me no thanks it was sorted they’d hired people for that.

When they said they were having a party I was talking about it and son kept saying to me it’s not going to be like that, we’re not having a party like that.

I tried to help as I said with the decorations but they said they had hired people

If I had not offered my help then I could completely understand leaving us out of the speech but I did. There was just nothing to do as it was all handled. I think the just look down on my idea of a party and that’s upsetting but I understand they are different and bride in particular likes nice things.. nothing wrong with that. I didn’t just offer confetti I even offered help with the dj as my friend used to be one and said he could do it and was turned down there.

None of this sounds like OP was unprepared or wasn’t told what the party would be like. It sounds like she simply didn’t want to listen. She asked if they needed help blowing up balloons; they said no. She asked did they want leftover confetti; they said no. She asked did they want her mate to DJ; she said no. When she talked about her ideas for the party, the son specifically told her “we’re not having a party like that”.

OP could have taken one of several hints. Instead she took offence. She’s still doing it. The problem was not being unprepared; it was not being in charge.

@Gloriia But, as I say Ive been brought up to be polite and kind. It is sadly lacking these days

Yes, but that works both ways. Surely if your child says there will be a nice event organised at a nice venue and it’s all in hand, because you are ‘polite and kind’ you would say ‘how lovely, I'm so looking forward to it, just let me know if you need me to do anything’. Because you are ‘polite and kind’ you would not express disapproval, indicate it’s not warranted, not aligned with your own vision, and try and muscle in Morrison’s platters in addition to guests only you want there.

I actually, in part, agree with you, however, it sounds like her DS is really crap at communicating with OP.

@Pipsquiggle and @Calliopespa - I disagree. I think it sounds like OP is really crap at listening.

She knew there were people paid to sort the party out, She knew it wasn’t a “let’s all muck in” party, she’d been told. She didn’t look on the social media or speak to her daughter other son.

She made a bunch of assumptions based on the rejection of the Morrison’s platter and interfered. She was on Broadcast and not Receive.

I pity the DIL. DH’s mum went through a phase of trying to do all arrangements through me. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Why? What have I said that isn’t true?

There's nothing wrong with parties where the organiser does lots of the catering herself (or himself) or if the organiser asks her friends to make things.
I've held parties where we made our own food, and had fairly simple buffets.

I think the guests enjoyed them, too.

But the OP is unable to countenance that her son and his fiancee wanted something different. Her input was not required, and she was told this in advance.

Instead of enjoying it, she was furious, and went out of her way to spoil things with her attitude.

No wonder she wasn't thanked.

The shabby £75 the day after the event was so awful that I am struggling to believe that she actually did it.

@JustinThyme I think we violently agreeing.
You took my comment out of context, I was saying, ideally, a DS should be able to keep his DM updated about an event.
But obviously this is not happening
@Whoisunreasonable has admitted that she 'doesn't do social media' and therefore missed all the info on food etc

TBH OP sounds a bit like hard work. If my DC was getting married, I would like to help them as much as possible not add to their already heavy workload. OP should just get on FB to at least get all the info everyone else gets.

I am still surprised that you only gave £75 to keep things fair and I think it was totally the opposite.

And openly admitted they are wealthy and can afford much more? Like if you are hard up £75 is a lot of money but if you are wealthy and it is a present for your child - it is completely meaningless. Not even a meal out for the couple!