Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

@thepariscrimefiles yes but parents hold a different position in one's life in comparison to everyone else, so I don't think they should be included amongst everyone else.

It would be crass NOT to thank the people who PAID FOR THE PARTY

i was telling son about a christening we had gone to which had Morrisons platters and suggesting them for the party. He said they weren’t having a buffet.

You’re still not taking on board what the issue is OP.

The party was organised and catered by professional party planners. This is what the happy couple wanted.

You've already said you offered to get Amazon balloons to save money, you offered someone you know who used to be a DJ and now you offered a few Morrisons patters for the buffet. It sounds like however politely your DS tried to tell you it wasn’t a DIY affair, you didn’t seem to want to hear it.

You obviously meant well but take this on board and accept that the way they do things is very different to how you think they should be done. You might think it’s all a bit ‘too fancy’ but that’s their choice.

Offering support and help for the wedding will mean accepting that it will be how they want it so offering ways of cutting corners to save a few quid really isn’t what’s wanted or needed.

It’s about the fact I offered my help and was blocked at every hurdle and then not mentioned at all in the thanks. I tried my hardest to help and although I wouldn’t have contributed vast sums of money I would have contributed time.

You’re just. Not. Learning.

You say you’ve taken people’s comments on board (with an immediate caveat), but you’re still going in for this dramatic “blocked at every hurdle” routine and complaining that you weren’t allowed to contribute time, even though that wasn’t what was needed. You’re STILL not getting that you can’t expect someone else to change their event so that you can help the way you want to.

If you’d really wanted to be part of it, you could have approached the other parents and offered a contribution. You didn’t want to do that. You wanted to do things your way and be thanked for that.

You weren't BLOCKED. They just didn't need your help.

Like if the in laws had done the catering and decorations "in house" and you'd been left out then you would have a leg to stand on. But they didn't. They hired help. Your help wasn't required because people had been PAID to do it

It sounds like you kept making suggestions for the party YOU wanted and had to keep being told no.

So what was the food??? Am I the only person who really wants to know what it was.
I can't imagine your son didn't tell you what it would be. I'm picturing a bizarre conversation like this.

OP: Let me get some soggy and tasteless platters from morrisons for the buffet!

Son: no thanks mum, we actually aren't doing a buffet

OP: Oh so no food? Should we eat beforehand?

Son: tumbleweed

Surely that didn't happen???

The food was canapés, a stand full of fancy desserts and a bar for Prosecco.

That sounds lovely!
And you genuinely had no idea that this was happening beforehand and you believed that no food would be served at all?

No. He of course should thank them, just why in a speech? With his own parents sat there mortified at being excluded from all the plans and preparation.

My mum would probably be very uncool and suggest a Morrisons platter too. Fortunately I'm not so far up my own backside that I'd be horrified by such a common and horrid idea.

Honestly is is no wonder there are so many issues with inlaws, parents, weddings, speeches etc that we see on mn daily when some can't get the very simple stuff right.

It’s that word ‘fancy’ again.

It really does come across you had an issue with the party being a more high end, organised affair and that’s where the comments of reverse snobbery are coming from. Every post does ooze resentment and ‘not for the likes of us’

We don’t know how old you and your DS are but this sort of party is very normal these days so maybe just accept that’s how they want it and stop offering cut price alternatives

Whoisunreasonable · Today 10:55

The food was canapés, a stand full of fancy desserts and a bar for Prosecco.

You’re sneering g resentment continues to ooze.

Fancy desserts? What on earth is wrong with that. We had a small reception, sit down meal. Of. Ours we wanted “fancy desserts”.

You need to rethink your stance on social media. It is frequently used for events and sharing photos.
You don't need to be an active participant, just join so you can see event info / invitations and see photos.

Urgh sorry it quoted the wrong post and I can't edit

Why do you think your son was being deliberately vague/unclear? Are there other issues between you?

Oh dear, you’re really feeling sorry for yourself, aren’t you op?

The fact is, you only wanted to help if your son had the sort of party you approved of. They didn’t want diy decorations (which never look as good as professional ones) or a Morrisons platter. You’re upset because you feel interior. They haven’t made you feel that way - that’s on you. They wanted something a bit special, not a cobbled together knees-up in the social club. Her parents were willing to pay for it. You need to get over yourself or you’ll find you have less and less to do with your son and his wife.

She doesn't. My parents don't have sm and we all manage just fine.

With regards to pp suggesting 'fancy' is a sneer, who knew? We recently attended a wedding and I think I described the canapés as fancy. They were!

Even in your update, you still don't seem to understand how pushy and overbearing you were. You even mention you'll go through DIL in future as she gives you more information "when pressed"! If my MIL was "pressing" me for information and to involve herself when we'd made it clear it was all in hand, we'd be gently taking a big step back, which it sounds like they may be doing.

Why would you be embarrassed about people not eating beforehand too? It wasn't your party, you weren't involved in organising, where's the embarrassment? Luckily it sounds like everyone else knew not to heed your calls to fill up beforehand.

I know it is quite harsh OP, but you are the exact dictionary definition of 'overbearing mother/MIL' and you don't seem to see it at all.

Yes this is very relevant. Are you usually close with a loving relationship or can things be a bit tricky? Is he a bit up his own backside or very laid back usually?

“It's hurtful for him to acknowledge his fiancee's parents who he's probably known all of 5 minutes, just because they paid for the big party, and not his parents”

He didn’t “acknowledge” them in their role as parents, he just said thanks for paying for the party! If he’d said thanks for being great parents or similar then the op would be right to feel hurt that he didn’t do the same for his own parents. He only said thanks for the party, I don’t know why people are failing to see this.

With his own parents sat there mortified at being excluded from all the plans and preparation.

My mum would probably be very uncool and suggest a Morrisons platter too. Fortunately I'm not so far up my own backside that I'd be horrified by such a common and horrid idea.

@Gloriia, you’re still trying to paint OP’s some as some dreadful ungrateful snob who has snubbed his poor mother - and frankly the argument just doesn’t hold water.

You say his parents were “excluded” from the plans and preparation, but OP only wanted to be involved if things were done her way. You say the son was “up his own backside” for rejecting a Morrisons platter - but what was he supposed to do with it at a party that had already been fully catered? An offer of help, be it practical or financial, shouldn’t be given if you’re going to take offence at it being rejected for a perfectly valid reason.

We are close he comes to visit us every fortnight after work. As I said before he can just be a bit useless in offering up information and I am learning and I get it from dil more easy. For example he will visit and the next day I will get a message with important update about the wedding from her son did not give us. Also it was his birthday recently and I knew to message dil to ask what was happening. So I don’t think he would ever deliberately be nasty and cut us out.

You come across as someone who seems to go on and on about stuff.
The multiply texts about the money. If I was receiving the number of texts you sent about the money, I would have assumed I was receiving a much bigger amount than 75.
Considering you seem to be doing ok, 75 is quite a low amount to give your son on his engagement.
Your sons partner's family threw a party that the couple wanted. Your son thanked them for this.
You were unkind to bring your issue at the party. It was your son & his partner's night, not yours.

I think there comes a point when you have to just distance yourself from kids catering. And kids don't see suggesting a supermarket platter as the start of a conversation, they just want to take full responsibility for having the idea and carrying it out.
So you have all the responsibility for kids birthday parties
Then in teen years,I make sure there's a pile of stodgy carbs to mitigate alcohol
And then it kind of stops quite abruptly.its nothing to do with you.
My background, we'd have a pasty in case there wasn't food then knock back several ciders
DH is more canape and moderate drinker than me.
The combination of sugar desserts and Prosecco would make me a 20 something embarrassment, unfortunately the heft of mid life means I could probably handle missing a couple of meals.

Having Morrisons food platters is very different to a catered party. I personally wouldn’t want Morrisons food platters at my engagement party..I don’t think that’s unreasonable to object to.

Ah well if things are usually ok then I think as you've said you'll just have let it go hurtful though it is.

When is the wedding, soon or will we have ages to wait to hear about his speech? You should suggest you'd like to do the table decorations .