Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Hurt about what? Please explain what people have actually done wrong that they can actually be blamed for rather than projecting whatever you have going on in your own life that you are projecting

It was a public snub to his parents, letting everyone know exactly who paid and who didn't.

No one makes speeches at engagement parties anyway. If they are desperate to then a vague thanks for coming suffices not a thanks to the inlaws while the parents sit there humiliated.

Well, I assume that OP's son's future in-laws contributed more than a one-off payment to some caterers to their daughter over the years, including 'wiping her arse' as that poster charmingly put it, but they weren't thanked for that at the party because it wasn't relevant or appropriate. Thanking them for organising and paying for the party was.

Well in fairness I’m not sure many parties thank the parents for wiping their arse.

He could easily have added “ thanks to OUR parents for all their love and support.”

It would have been bad manners not to thank the bride-to-be's parents for organising and paying for the party.

OP has stated that she wouldn't have contributed financially to the party, despite being wealthier than the bride's parents and despite insisting that her son invite guests that she had chosen. The OP's son did thank everyone for coming, which includes his parents. There was nothing else to thank them for.

OP feels she was kept away from the plans, her offers of help were rejected, she arrived not knowing what was going on or what to expect, and then her DS lavished thanks on the IL’s in front of everyone.

I can’t see it takes that much imagination or empathy to see how op might have been feeling.

She might indeed be a pita about plans, as some have surmised. She might have had ideas of a pub buffet with a dying dog or whatever some poster projected. But a public event shouldn’t be used as leverage to punish her for that. What she suggested sounds to have been done out of love and her best notions of what would have been useful for the party. How’s she to know the dil only likes her balloons filled with hired breath that someone paid for?

It was nice of DS to thank the ILs, but poor form not to acknowledge his mum or dad at all on the day if he was leaping to his feet to make a speech. It was tantamount to announcing his parents didn’t contribute - even though op tried to.

I think the real issue here is that you are feeling put out that the brides family is splurging out as can presumably afford to do so. YABU, it's only an engagement party.

I wonder why they didn't let you help...

You are now in a strop because they didn't have the kind of engagement party YOU wanted them to have. I'm not surprised your DS keeps you at arm's length.

To be fair, I suspect it went something like this:

OP: "ooh let me know what I should make for the buffet"
DS: "thanks mum but we're not having a buffet"

Rather than "Are you having a buffet?" "No". If it's the latter then they both suck at communicating quite frankly.

"Are you having a buffet?" would be an odd question to ask if there wasn't that context I think. Surely you'd say "will there be food or should we eat before?" not "is there a buffet?" (given this exact possibility).

Maybe contribute financially to the wedding if you can manage it think just make the process easy for people. I suspect not thanking you was just clumsiness rather than anything deliberate. I think it’s often hard for the newly married couple to understand the emotional aspect of weddings for parents.

It was tantamount to announcing his parents didn’t contribute - even though op tried to

No, OP didn’t try to contribute to the party they wanted. OP has stated that they refused to contribute to the party her son and finance wanted. OP only wanted to contribute to something they were clearly told wasn’t wanted. That’s really not an offer to contribute at all. It’s an offer of meddling, being contrary, interfering, and wanting their own way (including their own guests seemingly), and then an odd form of sabotage in getting guests to fill up before arriving when they didn’t get their own way. Why on earth would such an offer be taken up? Let alone thanked for any of that in the speech.

It’s all so disingenuous really. Woe is me, I came not knowing what to expect. It’s an engagement party, it doesn’t need instructions. I bet no other guests came and were so confused about it all. Maybe the finances parents didn’t even know the minutiae. If it were me, and I knew my child/partner wanted a professionally planned event, and we were fine paying for it, I’d just hand over the total I was told or whatever I’d told them up front my budget was. I wouldn’t need to know the breakdown or what was happening, I’d think they would have that in hand with the planner, so in a way it would all be a surprise when I got there. Yet, I wouldn’t need advance instruction or run down, or have a need to ring around everyone and try and control things, that’s bizarre. Just turn up, see what’s been done/what it is and have a good time, whether you paid for it or not surely. But no, don’t expect thanks if you’ve been a difficult, controlling arse in the process.

Exactly, well said

That’s my take. It was probably along the lines of ‘she’ll I do some sausage rolls/cupcakes/sandwiches for the buffet?’

‘no mum there’s no buffet but thanks anyway’

Then the OP took it upon herself to run around telling everyone to eat first as they won’t be getting fed.

And we’re all waiting to see what these ‘things I had no idea existed’ were

The engagement party was a gift from the in-laws to be. They threw the party in the couple’s honour.

The only people who need mentioning specifically in the champagne-fuelled statement from the OP’s son is those parents. “Thank you everyone for coming to celebrate with us and for the kind gifts. Thank you to Elise’s parents for this wonderful party.” Job done.

The OP interfered by adding people to the guest list and ringing around her family telling them to eat first - like her son and daughter in law were too incompetent to sort out a proper party.

She says her son was already annoyed with her for interfering, especially when his brother and sister already knew the party was catered.

What should he have said? “Thanks, mum, for adding to the guest list and sticking her oar in so no one eats the food”?

'What should he have said? “Thanks, mum, for adding to the guest list and sticking her oar in so no one eats the food”?'

Nope.'Thanks everyone for coming' or similar.

It is beyond crass to thank the inlaws so everyone will then have known exactly who paid. What next, at the wedding only those who have coughed up sufficiently get a mention in the speeches.

If my dc pulled a stunt like this I'd be mortified. Parents and inlaws should all get treated equally.

I agree what you say is true. However IT WASNT THEIR WEDDING

He did say 'thanks everyone for coming'. He also thanked his in-laws for the party which was the right thing to do. You want her son to be rude and unappreciative to his bride-to-be's parents just to spare his mum's feelings. She has stated that she would not have contributed to the costs of the party, even though she is wealthier than the in-laws.

I assume OP and her husband will be thanked during the groom's wedding speech.

I get you op. He should've mentioned you, as a guest I would find it strange that the man mentioned his parents inlaw and not his own parents.
If I was in your shoes, I too would be annoyed.

He could've just mentioned his mum and dad in his speech, thank you to my beautiful mum and amazing dad for making me the man I am today, they've always been there for me and I couldn't repay them if I tried... something along those lines.

But then I come from a different culture, nothing like the white culture where they go nc with their own parents and siblings and boast about it like it's something to be proud of.

He will probably say those sort of things during his speech at the wedding.

He only mentioned his in-laws to thank them for the party which they organised and paid for. OP didn't contribute anything and has said that she wouldn't have paid half. He thanked everyone for coming, which includes the OP and her husband.

I don’t want everyone thinking I’m not taking on board what they are saying because I am… even though some replies are extremely harsh and rude. Thank you to all of the posters who understand that this isn’t about me not being thanked for the cash gift. It’s about the fact I offered my help and was blocked at every hurdle and then not mentioned at all in the thanks. I tried my hardest to help and although I wouldn’t have contributed vast sums of money I would have contributed time. I have decided to leave it and not mention it further to son though.

I want to clarify I did not try to push a buffet on them. I was telling son about a christening we had gone to which had Morrisons platters and suggesting them for the party. He said they weren’t having a buffet. Yes I admit that perhaps I was too haste but also he could have been clearer and expanded on what the food was having. I told everyone to eat before hand to save embarrassment of people turning up on empty bellies… I was honestly trying to be helpful. Apparently everyone else knew about the food as he had created some kind of Facebook group or page giving everyone these details. Me and DH do not do social media. He could have just given me these details. I do understand I overstepped here but son is to blame too.

As I said I will continue to go through dil from now on as she does give me more information when pressed. It is sad son doesn’t and I am really thinking he isn’t being clear on purpose which saddens me. Unfortunately to the poster who asked I cannot post pics on here of party without being outed but I could so you could all see my point..

I couldn’t understand why, when asked if there was a buffet, your son would simply say “No” rather than “No, we’re serving canapés/having a hog roast/have hired a wood fired pizza oven”. I couldn’t imagine someone being that bizarrely literal.

There was one possible reason why in my mind - and this post made me realise I was more than likely right. Your son didn’t specify what the food was rather than simply what it wasn’t because he had correctly anticipated the response of “Ooh, you don’t need to waste money on caterers! I can help with the food; we’ll all chip in! And with a buffet everyone can just take what they want instead of waiting for them to bring out another tray. It’s much easier”.

Or “A hog roast? You know Auntie Margaret won’t eat pork. You have remembered to invite Auntie Margaret and Uncle Bob?” Or “Food in the garden? In November? Won’t it get cold very quickly? I’m not sure everyone wants to be standing out in the cold just for a bit of pizza…”

You're not really annoyed about the speech itself. You’re annoyed about the fact that you weren’t thanked in the speech because there was nothing to thank you for, because you weren’t allowed to do it “Like I wanted”. Your son’s in-laws were thanked for the party because they paid and made it happen. You weren’t thanked because they got the party they wanted in spite of you, not thanks to you.

I want to clarify I did not try to push a buffet on them. I was telling son about a christening we had gone to which had Morrisons platters

Morrisons platters are at best averge. I’m not surprised they jumped at the chance of something nicer.

You say you’re taking comments on board. You’re not. You still feel somehow aggrieved when you have no reason to be.

The problem is with you and your attitude. If you want to maintain a relationship with your son and fill, you really need to take a long, hard and honest look at yourself and your controlling behaviour.

DIL, not fill.

I’m sorry but you do sound very difficult to deal with. Only you can change that.

Ohh OP I think you're digging yourself a hole here. He probably was embarrassed to say they were doing something posher as it would be a bit awkward to say 'this party is too fancy for a morrisons platter'.

I cannot believe you told people not to eat. It sounds like maybe you have form for being a bit bossy and maybe that's why he kept you a bit at arms length about the party.

Essentially OP you thought the party would be your idea of a party - everyone chips in, makes stuff, brings a Morrisons platter, decorates the venue. Nothing wrong with that party at all, when it’s your choice or your budget constraints or preference.

But I suspect your son and his fiancée and her family have more money available than you realised to spend and were happy to spend it. They booked a venue that provides all the decor and food and drinks etc.

It would have been naff and embarrassing for his mum to rock up with her own catering and balloons because they had paid the venue to do it. The venue probably wouldn’t allow outside catering, it would be part of the event price and there would have been a minimum spend at the bar etc.

And you saying you wanted to decorate and self cater just comes across as cringeworthy and entirely missing the mark from your son’s point of view. He didn’t want a homespun DIY event - the fact that you did is irrelevant.

So he thanked the people that paid for it, because they paid for it. It was kind of you to offer your time but they didn’t need your time and in fact you’d missed the entire vibe of the event in your insistence that you could bring food and balloons etc so were no doubt just creating worry that you were interfering.