Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

@nest @adriftinadenofvipers "Thanks in laws for putting on this fancy do, and thanks mum and dad for wiping my arse and putting me through school and teaching me to use a knife and fork!"
would be an awful speech!!
OP's son gave an emotional speech after having quite a bit of champagne. It sounds like he did pretty well, and also the emotion was around his gratitude that fiancé was marrying him. Which is so lovely!
Maybe not up to Debrett's standards, as, yes, he could have found a way to mention his parents.
But it also sounds like he was cross with OP for convincing all his side of the family to eat beforehand. I'd be disappointed if I'd planned something really special and fancy for my friends and family and lots of them couldn't enjoy it. Even if, at the end of the day, it was my vague communication efforts that caused the misunderstanding.
I suspected this thread of being a wind up but OP has been less defensive than I anticipated so, it's good you're open to taking things on board @Whoisunreasonable.
My advice is be a little more forgiving, and open to who your son is, how he likes to do things.

Stretching now love.

She was told, by her own son (who frankly sounds like he didnt know because he didnt care or wasnt included in the plans, or both) that there was no buffet. She took that to mean that there was no food provided at an evening party. Seems reasonable to me. Especially as she was not, as mother of the affianced man, included in any of the the plans.

Who the hell sends a text or whatever and specifies "Is there a buffet, hog roast, fish and chip van, artisan pizza outlet or a party sub being provided?" Literally no one ever.

OP already knew this party was not a low-key affair and that they were hiring people to decorate and handle logistics.

OP hearing "mum we're not having a buffet [at this professionally planned party]" and leaping straight to "oh I should take it upon myself to tell a bunch of guests that there will be zero food there" is not reasonable.

Reasonable people would at least pause and ask "oh will there be food, though? Or should your dad and I eat beforehand?"

Or perhaps, he should have told them himself. He cant be pissed off when people dont get a communication he didnt send.

Frankly the OP's son sounds like a passenger in his own life. The OP sorted everything for him and now his fiancee and her mum do it instead. Cant help feeling like the OP messaged him "Is there a buffet" he asked his fiancee, she said "No" so thats what he sent back to his mum and now she (ETA fiancee) and her family are pissed off that it was wasted and he is taking out on OP the fact that the food was wasted on the basis of what he told them.

Tell them what himself?

There was food, as most sane adults would expect when invited to an evening party. He wasn't "upset that people didn't get a communication he didn't send," he was irritated that his mother had taken it upon herself to dissiminate incorrect information to other guests without taking even basic steps to confirm she wasn't mistaken.

It's not on the OP's son to anticipate OP behaving this irrationally.

You’re coming to that conclusion how? OP said her DS told the siblings there was going to be food. It seems quite obvious the OP was trying to help with a buffet that wasn’t happening and her DS said that’s not necessary we’re not having a buffet and she spiralled from there. How on earth has this come to be the poor fiancée and her families fault when OP should have kept her nose out!

It's not a stretch

You've even just said "she took that to mean", admitting she made an assumption

She was told it wasn't a buffet. Not that there was no food.

She didn't need to message people, she was being presumptuous

And she wasn't involved in planning because the party was a GIFT from the ILs

She took that to mean...

She was wrong it is no one else's fault, sure it happens people assume things but then deal with and move on it is no else's drama

Why would you expect to be thanked for something someone else did? Batshit.

Are we all being spectacularly played? Sorry, sorry, I know I’m flying a bit close to THing.

But… c’mon. Do MILs like this really exist in the wild?

Which is weirder? I can't decide...

Asking specifically 'is there a buffet?' rather than a more general 'will there be food served / should we have a meal beforehand?'

Or inviting your parents to your own party and when they ask (specifically) 'is there a buffet?' just replying 'no', rather than 'no buffet - but come hungry as we're doing pizzas / having loads of canapés served / getting a food truck / providing a sit down meal?!

It does sound as if the "no buffet" signalled to OP at best a few insubstantial nibbles and canapés dotted about hence urging her side of the family to eat before they go.

She does appear to have very train track thinking and I suspect that it makes her involvement in anything where she is required to collaborate (ie for an engagement party with others' requirements to consider) rather than lead (ie Christmas at hers), very difficult and awkward for anyone else involved which is why she was not let anywhere near this function.

She remains utterly unable to comprehend that this was a party organised and paid for by the bride's parents to celebrate their daughter's engagement in a way she and they wanted it to be and feels incredibly put out that it was so very different from what she would have organised and at a fraction of the cost too. I cannot think what thanks she could have been given, other than perhaps for her son to have said, "And to my lovely mum who would ordinarily have worked her socks off to put on a party for us as she has so many in the past, I hope you enjoy having it all done for you so you can really relax and enjoy the evening." But she'd still have not been happy because there wouldn't have been a stream of guests coming up to her throughout the night saying, "Delicious vollo vonts Barbara!" and she'd miss that attention.

What is it that makes you want to be involved so much?

I agree with this. I can why he did what he did and his logic, but it is also a bit of a,public snub to not mention your parents/family at all.

As my DD used to say when she was about 12, 'this sounds like a you problem'

Not sure what you wanted your son to thank you about and not being funny or nothing, but who the fuck wants DIY jobs done for their party.

You could have contacted the dils parents and said 'shall we go halves' or give them some money towards it, rather than thinking 'i could DIY the balloons off amazon'

You sound pretty annoying tbh

It depends what the question is

• is the food going to be a buffet? - an answer or just no would be weird
• do you need help with the buffet? - an answer of not needed, were not doing a buffet would be strange.

I also feel like based on what op said she was told there was food but as it was a concept she didn’t know of decided it was inappropriate and would leave people hungry so communicated no food.

Surely if you want to find out if there is going to be food at a party, you ask is there going to be food?
asking if there will be buffet also sounds a little judgemental (potentially in both directions depending on whether you think there should be one or not)

Most people would text is there food? Cover all bases

I understand why you’re embarrassed but definitely do not say anything to your son that makes your disapproval of his party clear. Don’t pull a sour face and tell him it was too fancy and you could have done it much more cheaply. A party decorated or catered by family is lovely; it is not the same as a party decorated or catered by professionals. They chose which type of party they wanted. Please, please don’t sour this further for them.

Move on and offer the help they want - not the help you think they should want - for their wedding.

Get over yourself??what's that about? She is entitled to feel a little hurt, a mention would have been nice. Even a thank to my own parents for everything they've done, it's not all about money ffs

If he had said we’re buying this this and this I would have said I could handle it myself and saved money that could then be put behind the bar. Yes it would have taken me time to do but I was happy to help and it would have saved lots of money that didn’t need to be spent. The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome

This is exactly why you were not included. You have ‘your’ ideas on how things should be done as opposed to what is typically done. You would have tried to interfere and do it your way, and caused chaos and likely ill feeling between the two families that would never be repaired.

Frankly, you sound extremely cheap. If one of my kids (and I’m not young, have adult kids) wanted an engagement party I’d fully expect they would just choose a venue with planner included who would plan according to budget. If I was contacted by the other parents wanting to ‘band together’ involving diy decorations, buffet and dj I’d think they were a) having a laugh, or b) completely mad. I’d send a polite message back assuming it was option a, saying ‘too funny, see you there’ and if it was clarified it was option b, I’d be perplexed and would send a message back indicating there will be no ‘banding together on this’ as we would not be part of such bullshit and batshit behaviour, it’s being organised by a planner, the couples budget is x, if you want to contribute, it’s contribution to the budget only, absolutely nothing else given it’s within the remit of planner, and the children will be happy to clarify this with you. See you there. Like hell I’d be setting ourselves up for such batshit behaviour to be continued into the future as I’d now be warned that anything you have a hand in may result in buffets of homemade vol-au-vents, chicken curries and blowing up Amazon balloons with an expectation we ‘band together’ on such bullshit.

For the love of all things good, don’t meddle in the wedding. If your son says they have it all in hand, smile, and turn up on the date at the time in the invitation. You don’t need some rundown, or explanation of things as it’s just not hard. Don’t cause a fuss, don’t try and get them to do things your (cheap, homemade) way unless they specifically ask you to do something. You really risk running the chance of them removing themselves from you completely if you provide your suggestions/offers of help to do things your way/interference.

OP has said that, despite her family actually being wealthier than the bride's family, she wouldn't have contributed half of the budget for the party, even if she had known about it.

She wanted to do it on a budget, doing a lot of it herself to save money. That isn't what her son and his fiancee wanted.

But what have they done? The man was thanking people who had made this party possible.

If the OP had been helpful and contributed to making the party possible then they could expect to be thanked. But they weren't helpful and they didn't contribute. If anything they caused more problems for the hosts, such as telling people to eat beforehand (when there was food at the party). Maybe they can offer to contribute constructively to something else in the wedding process and they can get thanked for that.

You don't get to disapprove of the engagement party, contribute nothing and then expect effusive thanks at the party. Of course it wasn't hurtful of her son to thank his in-laws for organising and paying for the engagement party. Failure to do so would be very bad mannered and entitled.

So he is supposed to thank his parents for 'wiping his arse'? That is the bare minimum of parenting a child.

Yes well I think you will find the bare minimums over a childhood are significantly more than a one-off payment to some caterers.

He didn’t need to thank the parents for paying for the party. That would be daft if they didn’t.

But courtesy and gratitude can ( here to blow some people’s minds it would seem 🤯) be extended for things that don’t involve coughing up hard cash. He could have thanked the ILs for the party, thanked the guests for coming and his family for their love and support. I can’t believe how many people don’t seem to have attended events where those sorts of thanks are extended. It’s not a stocktake or treasury meeting. It’s not all about the funding.