Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

start as you MEAN(?)to go on...ok i get it-the to be inlaws paid(is this customary?)...wedding too?
was very right to thank
and all givers of gifts.
you/he? KNOW(defo u)your financial situation...
HER ma/da sorted part n $ required.
what do you want?

Her son could have explained to her what to expect. Some of you have very low standards.

But she’s got no business giving a shit. It’s not their party.

Are you the uncle who was going to DJ??

He did. He told her the time of the party, where it was and not to expect buffet food. He said it wasn’t the type of party where some random uncle was djing and bits of confetti were on the table. Did he really need to tell her there was going to be a 5ft balloon arch and the details of all of the decor?

She's a grown woman attending the engagement party of two adults, paid for by others.

She doesn't need to be warned what to expect like she's being prepped for a court appearance or potential trauma. In all her posts OP has described absolutely nothing wild that went on or anything she was asked to do other than enjoy herself as a party guest.

Nope, I'm all woman and a mother of three.

I'd hate for one of mine to exclude me from the planning of an event like this (I am pretty sure they wouldn't!), but hey, you do you! Sleep well!

Are you the uncle who was going to DJ??

😂

Sure.

Whatever. She wasn't just a random 'party guest' but you do you!

Totes hilaire...

Now I'm laughing at the image of OP getting a pre-mission briefing for a flipping engagement party 😂

No she is clearly someone who is extremely interfering and needs telling as little detail as possible so she doesn’t meddle, offer a negative opinion or try to change the details of what is planned!

This party wasn't about you, OP.

Your DS wasn't thanking his future parents in law for being his future parents in law, he was thanking them in public for a very kind, and what sounds like a very generous, gift of the party.

Public thanks for those who'd opened up their wallets was absolutely right in this circumstance, your DS had nothing to thank you publicly for at this stage. The wedding will be the time for publicly acknowledging their parents role.

Reflect on why you were trying to insert yourself into everything here (the planning, the guest list, the thanks), when it's clear that's not what your DS wanted. Also reflect on your insecurities around your DS, and feelings of inadequacy compared to his future parents in law.

P.S. Be prepared for your DS future parents in law to possibly pay for a large part of the wedding, so they may get publicly thanked there too!

But there was nothing to plan! The point of someone else throwing money at something means there’s nothing to plan other than the guest list, and the OP reminded her son to invite people she thought he forgotten.

You’d die if you were my parent — not only did I get married without telling anyone other than two witnesses, I didn’t tell any family members for several years afterwards.

You are easily amused. The woman didn't even know that there was going to be food provided.

You think?

Luckily I have a close and loving relationship with my children, so that would never happen, because they would always want DH and me to be a part of their special day.

I think that's really sad.

‘The canapés are smoked salmon blinis, jackfruit poppadums, and polenta with pancetta! Do you read me? Over…’

Do you expect people to explain a party to you before you go to it? And, she had been told people were being paid to do the decorations etc...

"Mum, just to tell you how a party works. We all turn up. There's a balloon arch, candles on the tables, banners saying Congratulations. Then we are having a hog roast so that means they cook the pig there and dish out the pork baps. Some music will be playing..."

Doesn't that seem a tad belittling?

Obviously a diagram will be needed.

The op is not a child who needs a pat on thr head like a good little girl and spoken to like she is 5

It's a party what was there to explain?

I do wonder about the iq level of some people these days

No
She was told there wasn't a BUFFET
That's not the same as no food, as son pointed out

I’m very close to my parents. I see them three times a week, and talk to them most days. There’s no relationship between my strong relationship with them and a preference for getting married as we did.

In fairness though, engagement party (which again, I didnt know people still did!) means fairly low key as the wedding is the big event. So asking "Is there a buffet" isnt off. Most people would think "evening party = buffet or nothing at all". Son said "No buffet". I dont think that telling her family there would be no food is that outrageous. If son had said "There isnt a buffet but there will be food" it would have been different.

The No Buffet thing isnt on the OP.

All that said.......OP I have to say that you seem consumed with saving money. "Oh you want a balloon arch that will cost £X but I can do it myself for £Y!" You value saving money and they (or at least the womans family) value the experience. Neither way is wrong but you do seem very disparaging about how they chose to run and cater this party.

Anyone as old as me remember Eddie Murphy doing stand up in the 80's about asking his mum for money for McDonalds and she said she could do it better and cheaper at home? Its kinda like that.

It's entirely on the OP! She took it upon herself to go around telling people there was no food and to eat because she was told there was no buffet.

I'm guessing a hog roast/food truck situation. Probably the thing OP hadn't seen before. But they're pretty common now as an alternative to buffets.