Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

You're going to drive them away.

🍻

The issue isn’t the speech, it’s that you were totally excluded from the planning of the party and were only sent info / times / asked to come as a guest, while her parents had a full picture of what was planned and were hands on enough to pay for it all. I agree with you that it’s embarrassing as I’d assume your son & fiancé were paying for it, then it turns out her parents did and you weren’t told or offered a chance to share it as joint in-laws.

Disappointed.

I’m very tired after a long day at work and misread the thread title as: Got naked at engagement party.

This was not the thread I expected.

OP is something else going on here, perhaps your son is much more involved with his in-laws and you are feeling him drift away a bit?

And do you think that there is some evidence in the OP's posts as to why her son and DIL chose to do things that way? She has Strong Views. People like that spoil things.

She has also said she would not have felt comfortable contributing to ‘that kind of party’ financially even though they could have afforded to do so. Her son, doubtless, is aware of his mother’s feelings about ‘that kind of party’ and that she is happier saving money than spending it as he never approached her for a contribution. Which she is also moaning about despite saying she wouldn’t have wanted to contribute to the type of party her son and his fiancé wanted!
Involving her in the planning would have been inviting discord into the planning of an event to celebrate a major milestone which should be full of joy - because their party was not the party she had in mind. And when it all went swimmingly due the generosity of others, and everyone had a great time, she’s still not happy because she wasn’t thanked for something she had no hand in and disapproved of anyway! The wedding follow up to this post should be an absolute cracker. That poor fiancé. Thank goodness her future husband takes no prisoners.

I don’t think you’ve read all the OP’s posts. She completely disapproves of the expense and would have had no truck with contributing to it.

........ to the extent that all she gave the happy couple was £75.

And I have read her posts, so I know that she is comfortably off financially.
I wouldn't comment about the £75 otherwise.

I agree with you but people are reading into this what they want to see.

The OP thinks the engagement party was OTT and I am inclined to agree. Christ alone knows how they are going to top it with their wedding!

She said that they also gave £75 to their other children on their engagement when they weren't so comfortably off.

Now I would probably have adjusted that with inflation at least but it comes across as wanting to be fair to all three of their children!

yes she’s entitled to think that, privately.
But it’s really none of her business? The couple asked for nothing from her, invited her to their party and she’s spat her dummy out because she didn’t get a thank you (for contributing diddly squat). She can’t have it both ways.

I was responding to the poster who said it’s not fair the OP was t told the ILs were paying or given a chance to contribute finsncially . I was merely saying she disapproves of the expense and wouldn’t have contributed if given the chance, so it seems a bit mad to think that the engaged couple were being unfair in not giving her the option to contribute.

All I can see is that the 'happy couple' had an excessive, OTT engagement party. The OP disapproved, as is her right, but she and her DH were treated as A N Other guests and not as the parents of the groom-to-be.

Her efforts to contribute nonetheless were thrown back in her face. These people have raised the groom-to-be. It's hurtful for him to acknowledge his fiancee's parents who he's probably known all of 5 minutes, just because they paid for the big party, and not his parents who wiped his arse and put him through school and taught him to use a knife and fork!

They blindsided his parents because they didn't tell them what their plans were. I would be hurt if my son disregarded me in that way.

They weren't even given clarity on whether or not to expect food! Though in fairness it would have been deeply weird if there hadn't been food!

Top what though? OP has given no indicator to say why this party was so fancy other than there wasn’t a buffet and there was a balloon arch. A balloon arch is pretty standard at most parties now a days.

I’m inclined to think that this party wasn’t actually some huge fancy do, especially if DIL’s parents aren’t massively well off as OP says. I think it was just a classier party and OP wanted a buffet in a working men’s club with the neighbours dog there and uncle djing.

Well we don't know because we weren't there. The OP was, and in her opinion, it was a very fancy party, and she reports that there were aspects of it that she had never known were a thing.

Now I don't know what the OP's sphere of reference is, but in the absence of any more detailed information, I am willing to take it on face value that it was a "fancy party" and not something that the OP would have been used to.

All I am saying is, if the engagement party was OTT, fuck knows what the wedding will be like!!!

They blindsided his parents because they didn't tell them what their plans were. I would be hurt if my son disregarded me in that way.

When a person is judgemental and prioritizes their own wants over those of the people whose event it is, they will naturally not be included in the planning process. No one wants to share plans for an exciting, emotional event intheir life with someone they know will respond negatively, and people who insist on "helping" without first are actually just looking to make themselves feel important. Being a parent doesn't give us a pass on this with adult children.

If OP can shake off the judgement and conviction that her way is the right way she might find she's included more. If she continues down her current path she'll probably find it goes in the opposite direction.

OP interfered, kept asking to help where she wasn't required even after having being told it wasn't required and then took it upon herself to tell people to eat beforehand!

We don't even know how "excessive" and "OTT" it was. They just didn't have a buffet and hired someone to decorate. Since OP "could have done it on the cheap" it sounds like it was more that it was just professionally done than a huge, OTT event

All I am saying is, if the engagement party was OTT, fuck knows what the wedding will be like!!!

who gives a shit? Not my money, not my wedding. Not the OPs either, actually. If they want to have a horse drawn carriage, ice sculptures of the happy couple and swans carrying bottles of champagne on their back, good for them?
I say this as someone who DID have a social club and a buffet for my wedding! I just don’t understand this type of reverse snobbery.

This is my impression too - we are not talking some Cirque du Soleil type event with acrobats and Lady Gaga cabaret set. More likely sit down catered meal, nice decorations, open bar, professional dj and a chocolate fountain! In any event it was their engagement, their party and at zero cost to her so actually not her concern. All she had to do was turn up, smile, play nice and keep her opinions to herself - but here we are! 😂

👏🏻 yes to all of this!

OTT in OPs opinion. Not once has she posted that any of her family have commented agreeing with her.

Given the info OP has supplied it sounds most likely they hired a venue with a party package and a decorator. The lack of detail she has given about these mysterious never seen before things makes me think they didn’t have fire breathers and camels. More than likely just things OP wouldn’t put at a party herself. Because she likes to DIY.

Not one thing she says points to it being excessive. But as another poster said so what if it is? OP isn’t and clearly isn’t expected to foot the bill here! Sounds like her DS knows exactly how she likes things and wouldn’t even ask.

You don't know that. Maybe the OP had a close relationship with her son before his fiancee came into his life?

How do you know she has responded negatively in the past? You have just assumed it.

They told the OP they were having a party, invited her, and said they didn’t need any help setting up because they’d hired people to decorate, presumably acted on her nudges to invite family members, and when she offered to help cook a buffet, he said no need, they weren’t having one — I agree it’s very odd that the OP interpreted this as indicating no food and ran about reminding all her family members to eat before they went.

In no way is this ‘blindsiding’. I’m not sure what else you think they should have told the OP? Not everyone actually wants to sit about confiding the details of the canapés!

The OP gives a shit. This is just entertainment for all of you posters.