Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

"I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that"

Are you saying you believe that your own son and future DIL deserved a certain standard of celebration and not more?

Who thinks this about their child - who doesn't hope that their child can have the very best? What you want is irrelevant because it isn't your engagement party!

You are still casting your opinion about something you made no financial contribution towards!

And £75 as a parental gift, transferred late, when you stated you have sufficient means to do more is cheap and tight. With inflation, you have given this son less than his siblings while trying to appear fair.

With each post it is clear you brought negativity and criticism to the whole thing: what right do you have to sour your son's wedding and marriage? And I am still wondering if you thanked your DIL's parents for their generosity, as a previous poster asked?

Yeah but have you really never heard people thank their family? “ Thanks mum and Dad for your support” etc? People even do it at the Oscars and their family weren’t directors or agents or producers or funders. It’s just a way of acknowledging your family at times of success and happiness because often a supportive family plays a background role in your journey.

If the ILs were mentioned, I think it’s even more the case that op would have felt unacknowledged. No, it wouldn’t have been appropriate to say “ thanks to my parents for hosting this party,” but he could have said “ lastly thanks to you all for being here to support us, especially our respective families.” You can be gracious and thoughtful without having to point to a transactional justification.

This is exactly what I think!
And I imagine the food discussion was a bit more like....
Mum: do you want any help with the buffet?
Soon: Mum, we're not doing a buffet!!! (Sounding horrified at the thought of soggy ham sambos, limp lettuce and congealing coleslaw at their fancy engagement party 🤢).

Not sure if OP was being deliberately obtuse by telling everyone there is no food (because they didn't do the buffet) or not 🤔.

@Calliopespa yes I have seen that, but this is a bit different? Also I don’t think the OPs been supportive at all. She offered to blow a few balloons up and has started a thread on mumsnet slagging off their party and complaining about them? Very supportive…not!!

@Calliopespa ive just seen your edit after I posted my reply. Somehow I don’t think the OP would be happy with that either, because it wasn’t a personal thank you for them doing fuck all.

I think she actually said just a mention was all she expected.

I am a mum. My Dc ( and yours if you have them) will grow up and may think my input ( or yours!) is out of date or cheap or not up to pace ( will probably be virtual gatherings or similar by then. “ mum what’s WRONG with you???! No-one actually GOES to a party …” ) and I would be hurt if I wasn’t even mentioned because I’d dared to ask questions reflecting my understanding of what it might look like. I think it helps to try to have some empathy for relatives at times.

The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.

OP, it's very odd to keep obsessing over a party like this! You need to let it go.

@Whoisunreasonable We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy.

There isn’t much of a wealth difference between the two families but I am more old school and traditional.

They had a lot of stuff at the party I’ve never even seen or knew existed! It was very fancy.

I explained we hadn’t put money in the card as didn’t feel safe

The party was a lot more than I expected.

In fact we probably have more money than brides family and I know this for a fact

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was.

I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.

You can buy balloon garlands for a fraction of the price on Amazon.

I don’t think you’re upset about not being included in the speech.

I think you’re upset that this party was fancy, extravagant and expensive. As opposed to what you’re used to, which you describe as “old school”.

You describe your DIL’s family as having less money than yours. (Not sure why that’s relevant though. It’s just a rude dig).

So really, you were shocked and confused, perhaps appalled at how her family managed to pull off such brash extravagance?

You’ve not once said how ‘lovely’ or ‘nice’ the party was. You don’t seem to have enjoyed it. Just complete negativity. Which is so sad for the newly engaged couple.

Just an observation, though.

@Calliopespa seems to need to be said. Lots of others have tried and she still doesn't get it 🤷‍♀️

I suspect their a reason they didn't want you helping you interfere and what things the way you want them..please read the room back off and allow them to have the wedding they want

regarding the wedding, expect an invitation. full stop.
as the engagement party was beyond your expectations / dreams - expect the wedding to be.....fabulous !!!
and do not expect nor hope to be included in any wedding plans at all.

you can spend your time and efforts in finding something scrumptious to wear...

and make sure you ask for advice on here, as there are plenty of stylish mn'ers who will advise.

Completely agree. There’s not one comment about what a lovely day it was, how beautiful the room looked, how the dancefloor was filled with happy people - it’s just that underlying tone of ‘it’s not for people like us’

Though I’m sure even if OP commented that it was a great party there would be ‘if you like that sort of thing’ added.

I don’t think she wasn’t thanked because her ideas were out of date or she dared to ask questions, seems fairly obvious she wasn’t thanked because she wasn’t hosting or paying for it. Like her DS said when she confronted him about it at his own engagement party, it’s not the wedding!! I think joining families can be difficult but the OPs post and updates give a strong impression who wants to control and is unhealthily competitive with the in-laws

Having a word with her DS at his party about the lack of a specific mention in his short speech is awful behaviour as is the taking it upon herself to warn everyone about the apparent lack of food. If you’re going to do that it’s on you to make sure you’ve got your facts straight.

I'm also a mother (of four adults) and if any of them thanked me for a gift or event given to them by someone else I'd assume they were suffering from some sort of confusion. Do you habitually thank person A for a gift given and paid for by person B?

They thanked the hosts for throwing the party ie not a lifetime of parenting. Then everyone else (which includes the OP) was thanked for joining them. Its a party not the wedding (or the Oscars).

Read the OP's posts in sequence - a catalogue of disapproval and telling the couple that their party is wrong and should be done on the cheap, a list of who they must invite. Nor does the OP give the context of the buffet question and details of what was asked, so suggesting the DS was deliberately trying to confuse has no basis in fact.

And the OP's solution to any communications problems? Make the DiL be her son's social secretary.

Its really unusual to get 95% in either direction on a AIBU MiL/DS/DiL thread - its not an accident.

You are being very critical of the party and the money/effort spent. If you have given any of the vibes you are giving off here to them I imagine they are pretty fed up with you

He thanked everyone for coming and the presents.. I.e you.
He thanked the in-laws for the party.. which they paid for.. not you.

What do you want thanking for? Thank you for not paying for the party you didn't contribute towards...but you now feel like you should or..?

Do you always treat your youngest so unfairly? If so, I can understand him not thanking him.

You honestly think that giving your eldest £500k with which he could buy a mansion wigg the ten years ago is the same as giving the youngest £500k today despite that only buying a one-bed flat? In what world is the flat the equivalent gift of a mansion??? Yet that’s what you’ve done albeit on a much smaller scale. I really feel for your youngest.

You absolutely need to pull yourself together. He had nothing to thank you for in terms of the party, which was the subject of the speeches.

And thanks to my parents who didn't pay for this but my mum is needy on my important day.

If he had said thanks to fiancée’s parents for, eg “being so supportive and raising a wonderful daughter” then yes, it would be remiss/hurtful not to also thank his own parents for being good/supportive/loving etc parents.

But he only thanked them for the party - they were the only ones who arranged/paid for the party, so they’re the only ones who needed thanking at that event. He also thanked everyone for being there. It’s not a wedding speech, he didn’t need to start mentioning family blah blah blah.

You don’t have to win an Oscar to make your parents feel acknowledged.

I feel sorry for op. Far from her looking down on them, she has said it was all very beautiful, that all her attempts to help were rejected, including her offer of a dj, her suggestion of a buffet seems to have been sneered at: “ not having THAT!” If DS wanted her to convey the correct arrangements for the food he should have clarified properly.

I can see op has felt excluded and blocked at every turn - and now she’s getting a pile on here.

This is definitely gonna end up in the Daily Mail 🤣

This. OP I just wanted to say that I'm a 100% with you on not liking to waste money on a fancy engagement party if you're not very wealthy and money doesn't matter to you. Apparantly your son is not like you or me and this is just something you have to accept. As long as he's not trying to get you to pay for anything I think you should just leave it. Some younger people have watched how rich people live on social media and now wants the same even though they can't really afford itn I have friends who have done similar follies and then having a problem paying bills the next month. Apparantly the PIL are with the young couple on this so just let them do whatever they want.

Oh, and yes you're a bit sensitive for the speech. It was just a thank you for the fancy party. I hope he'll make it up to you on their wedding. But let oncle Dave relax. They would probably find the idea of him as a DJ horrible because he's not young and cool enough to their taste. That I can understand as a mother to teens who just sigh at me sometimes because I'm so utterly uncool😄

Oh stop being mean. You’re only saying that because op said she was worried it would. I bet you hope it does. This thread has shown some seriously cruel posting.

I do have sympathy OP, but it's not about what you want.

You have said it yourself, you would not have wanted to have paid what that party cost. Fair enough, probably neither would I, but that doesn't mean it was wrong or shouldn't have taken place.

Your expectations and theirs are misaligned, it's no one's fault and no-one is in the wrong.

If the wedding itself mirrors the engagement party then you know now that you are likely to have the same misalignment and potential misunderstandings. So take their lead, if they want to involve you they will, but they won't if you now come across as churlish because they followed their own plans and ideas.

They know their own minds, and good for them.

My parents paid for my first wedding, as was the custom 40+ years ago and I had no say in it and I didn't enjoy it or felt it was remotely about me and my then-DH. It wasn't a day I ever looked back on with fondness. There were loads of relatives I didn't really know and very few of my friends. Don't go there.

If DS wanted her to convey the correct arrangements for the food he should have clarified properly.

I don't think DS wanted OP to convey ANY messages about the food. I think OP took it upon herself to panic warn everyone to eat first because DS said "we're not having a buffet"