Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I understand being upset your son didn't give you a general acknowledgment during his small speech

He thanked his guests for attending and his hosts for hosting. It was entirely right. OP could choose to be proud she's raised a polite son who thanked his in-laws properly.

You are absolutely a snob. You also tried to sabotage the party by having your family eat first. Why was that your business to prewarn all the guests that you felt he should invite?

I suspect there will be malicious compliance on the future. “I’d like to thank my mother for giving birth to me” at all events

Maybe they didnt ask you to do much as you dont seem very rich

£75 done by bank transfer, for a sons engagement party is a pretty dire present to be honest. It is an after thought and shows you dont have a lot of money to spare - and theres nothign wrong in this, not many of us do.

Why did you need thanking for everythign you have done for him, at his engagement? Sorry but thats cringe.

I hope you are going to buck up for the wedding, come with a real present and a real grown up attitude

I think they really did! 😬
And it wasn’t what they wanted! 😩

the jealousy, inverted snobbery and thwarted control freakery is oozing out from every update OP posts like blood seeping under a door.

seriously OP, you will kill your relationships with your son and his wife if you don’t wind your neck in 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP

we need photos of the party to make a better assessment

What a weird thing to be hung up on.

Op your job was to walk around and tell everyone what a wonderful party, what lovely family your son is marrying into and smile a lot.

sounds like you would have love to have been more involved but that wasn’t the case. Can you give them money for the wedding itself?

Anyone else thinking of Captain Holt and the balloon arch from Brooklyn 99?

OP, each update is more ridiculous. Think about your son, not your bruised ego.

I hope one thing you take away from this thread is to keep your opinions to yourself for the wedding planning and on go forward basis. What you think when it comes to someone else’s event , even if it’s your son, is irrelevant. If you are concerned about food, ask ‘will there be food’, not whether it will be in the format you believe it should be. You asked, your son answered.

The issue here that you are missing OP, like it or not, is that what you wanted for the party was not relevant. If you felt you could do things and save money, fine, but thats your opinion and wasn't what they wanted. You offered to help and they didn't want your help. The party was not your party so the choices were not yours to make. I'm afraid - and I know you won't like this - that the issue is that you are feeling left out of your sons life and you have tried to insert yourself where you are neither required nor wanted. It hurts, I get it, but you will destroy your relationship with your son if you don't stop thinking you should be in the centre of things. I can't help wondering if the exclusion of thanks to yourself for existing was somewhat deliberate to let you know that this was their party and not yours?
Your posts make for very uncomfortable reading because my Mother was very similar and eventually I had to go nc. Don't go down that road.
And also, inflation.

This is your problem OP. it's not the 1970's, no one wants naff home made decorations or rubbish balloons from Amazon (I have purchased them so do know). That's how YOU would do things so YOU were not asked to help.

Sounds like they wanted a classy event and the brides family were onboard and got a public thanking.

Doesn’t sound like you’re very close to your son if you didn’t know there was food, yet some of your kids did and you didn’t know any details about the party?
seems so odd… and why would he thank you. You sound pretty miserable from your updates and comments.

I appreciate you need to balance what you gave your other child but with the col could you not give him more and also give your daughter some more money to re balance it.

£75 wouldnt over a cost of 2 people's wedding meal tbh if thats what you give as standard. Most parents wouldn't definitely contribute more i don't understand how you want a big song and dance about it.

You need to change your mindset OP.
I had my hen do at the local pub so no travelling, over night, foreign holiday, matching outfits etc. We had a cheap wedding that we did most of the prep for ourselves, on a budget as that's what we could afford (used our money to buy a house) and have always done charity shopamnd second hand for everything BUT... if someone else does things differently that's absolutely fine too. Just because I wouldn't spend money on that sort of thing doesn't mean it's unreasonable for someone else to. Nowadays there are some things I'll happily pay not to have the aggro :)😀

Yes but the way he answered was malicious obedience to the phrasing of the question. It was intentionally evasive and smart Alec. I can’t think of any situation in which I woujd t have said something like “ there’s going to be food brought round canapé style” or “ no it’s a sit down meal” or whatever it was.

This is just rude.

We don’t know the specific question or answer. It could have been the OP saying I could do X and Y for the buffet and your Aunt could whip up some Z and the DS saying no thank you, we’re not having a buffet.

My brother would have answered like this. It would be about control. A bit bullying and not very nice. Then my mum would have to deal with relatives endless catering questions about gluten free provision and feel embarrassed that she didn't know, she wasn't a part of it.
So I kid of feel it wasn't even about not being thanked it was also feeling a bit humiliated beforehand.
I've had to put up really strong boundaries with my brother. I'm not part of his life, his inner circle but that's on him. I direct everything to him. My mum blames the DIL but it isn't, it's totally my brother.

It’s fine in this case because the OP told her all her side to eat beforehand.

We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.
If he had said we’re buying this this and this I would have said I could handle it myself and saved money that could then be put behind the bar. Yes it would have taken me time to do but I was happy to help and it would have saved lots of money that didn’t need to be spent.
The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.

There is controlling behaviour here but it’s not from the DS.

Op I’ve read all your posts and I’m still at a loss to exactly what he should thank you for? He thanks his in laws for paying by for a lovely party, which you didn’t do?
It’s obvious in this thread you think it was a waste and would have resented paying for it (despite you being so much richer than them 🙄). And that’s fine-but then you don’t get a public thanks in the speech!!
I can just see it now
”Thanks to Sarah’s parents for throwing us this amazing party allowing us to celebrate this occasion with our closest family and friends. And thanks to my parents for…well, just thanks, I suppose?” So weird.

I really agree with this. I felt his answer was exactly as you described.

I agree with posters that op shouldn’t raise anything and needs to think big picture going forward if she doesn’t want to fall out, BUT I do have sympathy for how she was feeling.

… for being my parents!
People do thank family at these occasions. It’s not out of place if he’d wanted to

I think it's less that she wanted public thanks for offering to help, and more that she is worried of being excluded and outdone. OP needs to realise the more she tries to get involved, the less likely it is to happen.

But they DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO BE THANKED FOR?!! So so bizarre 😂

This. In spades.