Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I’m thinking staff walking around with canapes or maybe food vans.

Its not sneering - its a different choice. The OP has been pretty sneery about spending a lot of money on a fancy party which is the trigger for most of the Dog and Duck comments.

It was an engagement party thrown by one set of parents for the couple. It was not a wedding. Why on earth would they thank anyone other than the parents who threw the party and everyone else for joining them?

Honestly some people look to take offence.

I'm with the poster who is surprised that 'engagement parties' are still a thing. I never had one of these, or a 'hen weekend', and as for our wedding, we eloped. My motto is 'get shit done': DH and I decided to marry and within 8 weeks had made the few necessary arrangements and were married.

I can't bear sticklers for tradition, which usually involves someone telling others that their way is the right way because 'expected' and 'conventional'. Which is why when my kid grows up and marries they'll probably go all out for formal speeches (eurgh!), seating plans, tiered cakes and colour-coordinated 'themes'. No balloon arches, though. Kidlet doesn't believe in polluting the planet.

But - and the point of my post is this - in the event this happens I will be there with my trap firmly shut, a big smile on my face, saying nothing but that I think it's all wonderful.

I had my wedding my way. Next time, it's someone else's turn.

Don't ruin what should be a happy time for your DS, OP. If you do you'll come to regret it and will have hurt no one but yourself.

It’s nothing to do with snooty and it’s everything about letting the couple have the party THEY want. If they want a professional service rather than an informal DIY party organised by family and friends well it’s up to them.
And if they’re paying for an event planner it’s not all about high end - they might have wanted low key and that’s what they pay someone for.

Thx whole point of paying an event planner is that everything is done for you without the need for anyone who isn’t either picking up the tab or the happy couple to stick their oar in.

And funny how you’re commenting on sneering from PO’s but gave nothing to say about the reverse snobbery sneering from the OP about ‘fancy’

Unfortunately her parents paid for it and helped plan it and you did nothing, so he didn't need to thank you? He thanked you when you gave him his card and £75. It wasn't a wedding speech, it was an engagement party, he may say something about his parents at those speeches. I would drop it and move on or it's going to cause issues between you and them.

I'm willing to bet that OP knew perfectly well there was going to be food, but decided to "misunderstand" in order to be pass-agg and cause drama. Telling other adults to eat beforehand because there will be no food? Come on. These are the actions of a maniac

I logged back on to say exactly this.

There isn’t much of a wealth difference between the two families but I am more old school and traditional

Engagement parties are pretty old school and traditional. So is having catered events. What you mean is it’s not your way of doing things and because your DS didn’t want you to contribute in the way you thought was appropriate- with the friend of a friend DJ and DIY decorations - it put your nose out of joint.

OP, you sound more and more self centered with each reply.

It is not up to you to decide how their engagement party or wedding should look like. I think it's clear why they didn't involve you.

If I were you I would really reflect on your behaviour and expectations going forward. Otherwise you can't be surprised they are not involving you.

It sounds like you are used to making decisions in your family. But you need to take a massive step back and let them make their own decisions.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WANTED!

You need to understand that!

You interfered and told people they needed to eat because there was no Buffet, not no food, no buffet.

You kept on about how it could be done cheaper when 1) the party was a gift and 2) they didn't want some homegrown party and all the family having to pitch in, but an elegant affair where family could relax

Stop interfering.

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was. We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that. But he didn’t give us the choice. It feels like he doesn’t want our involvement. I think I will ask him to come for a chat to discuss why.

If he had said we’re buying this this and this I would have said I could handle it myself and saved money that could then be put behind the bar. Yes it would have taken me time to do but I was happy to help and it would have saved lots of money that didn’t need to be spent. The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.

And you really need to ask why he ‘doesn’t want (your) involvement? It wasn’t your money, it wasn’t your party and you still feel you know better than anyone else how it should have been spent!

Sabotaging it by telling everyone to eat beforehand was such a shitty move.

And then still expecting to be thanked!

OP sounds like a pass agg nightmare.

It feels like he doesn’t want our involvement

With each post you make OP, it becomes clearer why

Exactly this.

OP the future bride and groom got the party they wanted and the DILd parents provided it. So they thanked them. That is the correct thing to do yes?

Separately you wanted to be thanked for .... being parents?

But DILs parents were not thanked for being parents. They were thanked for the party.

Your gift of £75 is weird and cheap. As you have said yourself, £75 was worth a lot more when the first svd even second of your dc were married. You should have given an equivalent VALUE. Not the same number as frankly £75 from the comfortably off parents in today's money is a bit shit

It actually sounds like you are a bit sneery about their choices around the party. You offered to help but it's not the kind of help they actually needed. I would never say £75 isn't enough but it sounds like you can easily afford more and £75 really isn't much these days. It's also weird that you didn't put it in the card and transferred it the day after the party. Almost passive aggressive.

Please be wary of driving him away. Because from where I'm standing there's the future in-laws paying for a fabulous party while you're looking down your nose at the fabulous party, getting on at him about the guest list, instructing family to eat beforehand and complaining about not being thanked

Yea, I did think that about the money. If you gave the first the equivalent of giving the last £200, say, then it's LESS fair to give them the same amount exactly.

Updated after OP's later comments:

"And thank you DM for telling all my guests not to eat because there's no buffet... in other news please take some food home as there's lots left because no-one's eaten it."

I’ve never attended an engagement party that included speeches thanking parents for being parents tbh and fiancé’s parents were thanked for throwing the party, which OP had no part in.

She attended as a guest and was thanked as a guest.

How happy would OP be in planning a party she clearly didn’t approve of for reasons and has stated she would have felt resentful contributing to financially, even though she could have afforded to do so? Every little thing would be contentious for her. Why suck the joy out of the event for the happy couple for no reason? I’m fully expecting an update following the actual wedding 😂🙄🤪

There's no nice way to say it OP, but at this rate I'd be surprised if their faces didn't drop when you offered to help with the wedding. I would also rather do what I could for a party instead of hiring someone to do it all, but I wouldn't push anyone else to do it my way.

Needing to be prepared for a party is incredibly odd and needy as well. You couldn't cope with the fact they had hired people to make it more extravagant? Most people would think "wow, this is nice!" and enjoy the unexpected luxury, but you've used it as another reason to make this about you.

I can also see why he was annoyed at you telling everyone to eat beforehand, again it's just pushing for a bit of control over something you were told was in hand. Did son or DIL ask you to communicate eating arrangements? If not, it was not your place and I really wouldn't expect much involvement, if any, in wedding plans at this point.

Dear god OP - have your read back your posts? Not sure you would have paid for something ‘so fancy when it didn’t need to be’ the judgement is oozing out of every letter you’ve typed. I am not surprised your son doesn’t share details with you.

They had the party they wanted. Nobody ‘needs’ a party, fancy or otherwise- but if they choose to have one they should have the celebration they want (provided they can afford it of course…with or without family contributions).

I'm imagining the OP banging on about vol-au-vents and chicken legs to general polite declination, until finally the son gets annoyed and says something like, "Mum, I said no thanks, WE'RE NOT DOING A BUFFET."

Cue OP getting on the blower to Auntie Barbara. "Sound the trumpets, there is no food!" 😯

The party then has charcuterie boards and cheese tables. Or a pizza & prosecco van.

Oh, come on...whether or not you think it is necessary, the OP's feelings are hurt. The family of the groom is sometimes considered 2nd class citizens in situations such as these (I'm not saying this is the case here). She has a right to her feelings. There is no need to be unkind.

If the OP's feelings are hurt its because she has chosen to take offence and not being thanked for someone else's gift and not been allowed to dictate the nature of the gift.

Its ludicrous - how self absorbed do you need to be to take offence at your child's in-laws throwing them a big party?

I should have read all of the posts before I posted above. OP I was on your side until the snide comments about that party and how you could have done things instead and not spent the money. That wasn't what the people throwing the party nor the bride and groom wanted. You have to butt out of these decisions going forward unless specifically asked. The idea of telling people to eat beforehand because there wasn't going to be enough food was clearly because you wanted people to think poorly of that party before they even got there. I understand being upset your son didn't give you a general acknowledgment during his small speech, but the rest of it was off base.