Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

what are the bets that the OP causes all sort of issues in the run up to the wedding. I doubt your offer of being involved will be taken up as you’ve proved yourself a bit of a nightmare!

I think you just need to admit defeat here, that you have a different image of what things should be, and as its not your party, your image really has no bearing on the day at all.

You would be happy with an amazon balloon display, with a buffet, a local DJ, a DIY do with everyone chipping in.
Your son and his partner wanted an events company run party, with more upmarket food, entertainment and decoration.
Your son didn't ask you for money (maybe understanding that you would offer alternatives such as the above instead), and didn't need your hands as they paid enough so they could have a relaxing day in the run up instead.
In my view, no thank you is needed to you, because they didn't use your time, money or labour. It might not make you happy, but you didn't.

I think you need to brace yourself now that this is probably indicative of the type of wedding that they are going to have- splash some cash and pay for it all to be done. Thats absolutely fine, it will be a lovely day, and above all, what they want the day to be. It's not snubbing you to not want the same as you. If you are providing cash, or paying for a certain element, then yes I would expect a thank you then.

As an aside, if there is a big age gap, then I don't necessarily think giving the same amount of cash as a gift is the right thing to do.
What did £75 buy when your eldest got married? Did it maybe pay for a meal out, with a bottle of wine for them to share?
Would it buy the same now?
Equality and fairness aren't about treating everyone exactly the same, and £75 will go a lot less further now than it did 10-15 years ago.

Please change your mindset before the wedding, OP. It will be a nightmare if you continue with this attitude and it's not fair on your son and new DIL. It's not about you.

To use your example:

A balloon arch from Amazon would have been fine, but it would not have been what they wanted. They clearly wanted slick/finished/glossy and that is their right. They also wanted 'fuss free' and 'emotion free' organising. They would not have got that if you had been involved. You clearly take things very personally and at the slighted suggestion that ANYTHING you had done/suggested/constructed wasn't what they wanted, you'd have been huffing and tutting that you aren't 'good enough' and causing an atmosphere.

You really REALLY need to stop making this about what you want/think is best and stop being so judgmental about what sounds like a lovely party.

Think about it OP. Right now you could be bursting with joy in the afterglow of a lovely party and at your son's happiness, but instead you are on a forum moaning about not being thanked and being passive aggressive because they didn't ask you to construct a balloon arch. Stop now, before that sort of behaviour/reaction becomes ingrained as it will push you and your DS apart.

A nightmare who needs to find a non family related hobby.

@Whoisunreasonable its really bonkers to give him £75 because some years ago you have same amount to siblings, specially when you yourself said you could afford more… just give him what you think it is reasonable for this occasion and within your own budget, and just help out your other dc with some bigger bday gifts or whatever to make it fair….

At his engagement party you made a fuss about not being mentioned and made him feel bad for not explicitly telling you there was food. You were jealous and made it about you on their day. It’s shitty behaviour OP and if I was DIL/DS then there’s no way you’d be involved in any of the wedding plans after that.

Im also confused by your issue, what exactly could he have said to you? Genuinely, I don’t know what he could actually have said, what would have expected him to say? ‘Thanks for coming!?’

There was nothing to thank you for! They didn't have a gift from you at that point.

In-laws paid for the event and therefore warranted a thank you

I can't believe you pulled him up on it! How rude

I wouldn't thank you in this case. You didn't do anything.
Plus £75 isn't really enough. That won't even pay for a meal out.
If you want them to thank you make sure you make it up at the wedding and contribute.

so you dont think you would have wanted to pay for half of it if he had asked you too and yet here you are complaining. you are being unreasonable and £75 just because your other kids got that is a bit shit.

You sound entitled and overbearing. You didn't contribute to the cost of the party and didn't do anything to actually help set it up. Why would you get a thank you in the speech. If they thanked every one individually in the speech, then fine you should be to. But they thanked their ILs because they paid for it. It's a no brainer really.

Can't imagine going to an engagement party. Who cares about people getting 'engaged'?

@Whoisunreasonable

YABU in how you react to someone else's party and how people choose to spend their budget - whether the money is their own or a gift from another party.

Please take on board all the comments because the engagement party is just an amuse-bouche compared to the wedding.
Sounds like they like big, flashy, well managed & curated events which they are willing to spend money on.
Are you offering money towards their wedding? If so, just give them the money, let them spend it as they wish. Offer help but prepared that they will do things differently to you.

Sounds like they have completely different behaviours when it comes to money - you sound 'make do and mend;' they sound 'maximalist' in terms of decor, food, drink etc

I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that

This says it all for me. It needed to be ‘like that’ because that’s what the happy couple wanted it to be like. It’s about them not you. So your money/input would be conditional upon them doing it your way? That’s why you wasn’t asked, they knew you’d interfere to want it on your terms.

Despite 95% telling you you’re being ridiculous and many many posters telling you why, you’re determined to make yourself the victim here.

I'm willing to bet that OP knew perfectly well there was going to be food, but decided to "misunderstand" in order to be pass-agg and cause drama. Telling other adults to eat beforehand because there will be no food? Come on. These are the actions of a maniac.

OP's son is obviously perfectly capable of organising a party, but OP was determined to find a way to make herself seem indispensable and her son seem incompetent, to soothe her own insecurities.

He's clearly trying to gently cut strings, and instead of treating him like a grown adult, she's now planning to sideline him and go to DIL, being all "dur! isn't my boy gormless!"

It's obvious why they don't want OP involved, and it has nothing to do with taste.

Sorry, OP but I'm going to be more direct in saying something other replies are too polite to say....you are tight! £75 is a paltry sum for your money engagement and your idea of a diy party to save money clearly didn't appeal to them. It's obvious you have different take on finances than they do but for the sake of your ongoing relationship with your son and dil you need to stop with the suggestions and the 'being surprised' that they want to do things differently. Otherwise you'll be on here moaning yet again when the wedding isn't what you'd gave wanted and wondering why you were an afterthought.

I think the miscommunication here is down to you tbh

buffet does not equal food

you asked if there was going to be a buffet
he said no

if you asked if there was going to be food
he would probably say yes

How on earth is anyone suppose to know that you meant food when you said buffet?

Ask about food for the wedding
I guess there is not going to be any buffet either

Imagine the letting the OP. loose on the wedding planner 🤦‍♀️

’They don’t need a vintage Bentley to get to the church and Fatboy Slim DJing in the evening. My cousin Dave can drop them in his Fiesta and he can play a few tunes as well. I bet that Fatboy bloke hasn’t even got hi hi silver lining or sweet Caroline’ .

Just clarifying, you were expecting him to thank you publicly for offering to help even though you

a) offered things you knew he didn't want
b) would have refused to help if he had asked you to help in a way he did want
c) were snobby and critical about his choices
d) attempted to control the guest list
e) actively made things worse by getting involved despite being told not to
f) criticised him at his own engagement party?

As if that wasn't enough, you contacted him the day after to check whether he'd opened your card yet and to personally tell him again that you were sending money (as opposed to just, you know, sending it); you text him to tell him you love him and want to be involved in the wedding planning; and as if that wasn't emotionally manipulative enough, you now want to invite him to your house to ask him why he doesn't want you involved?

You told all your side to eat beforehand and there was food? No wonder he didn’t thank you!

Well you are sounding like someone totally lacking in empathy.

@Whoisunreasonable I get it - I think you feel like you were left out of the whole thing. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, and ignore the nasty replies. Some people just don't have a clue.

Why do you feel you need to be prepared for a party? What extra information were you expecting to recieve? You were told the venue, date and time?

Also I'm really intrigued about the food situation! Was it a sit down meal instead of a buffet and your son was annoyed as you had all had your tea beforehand?

You are right to go to your DIL in future re the details of things. My MIL and I have to make sure that we speak to each other as DH forgets things or just doesnt bother about things in the same way. If MIL and I don’t talk to each other things are missed. TBH I think we both kind of hate it, but things do go more smoothly if we have a shared understanding.

You are wrong to expect thanks for a party you did not help with or pay for, even if your offers to help and pay were politely declined. Your DIL and DS wanted a party that looked a certain way and too many cooks spoil the broth.

In future, say- “I’d love to hear about your plans for x.” Then once you’ve heard, ask “Can I help with any of that at all?” Not, “I know a dj who will do this for free,” or “I will pay for a buffet.” My mil says things like this and frankly it feels like a judgement on the things we have already decided on before she even hears our ideas, ie “The music should be a DJ and it should be inexpensive,” and “The food she be a buffet and again should not cost too much.” Learn this now and your relationship will be smoother.

I was starting to think the OP was reasonable until I saw the updates to this thread. No wonder her son hasn't involved her in his wedding arrangements if she wants to save money and do it all on the cheap. And then expecting to be thanked after telling everyone to eat before a catered event! Which she must have known was catered seeing as she'd been told it was being professionally organised. I'd love to read the son's take on this - I think it's probably quite clear what he thinks!

How snooty!

I think we've had plenty of cousin Dave, Dog and Ducks, Dog and Pheasant, sausages on platters, pineapple on sticks sneering to be going on with. We get it, some think the op isn't up to a 'high end' do like your brother can whip up.

Anyway, back to the point. Once again if you make a speech you thank all parents for their money, support, whatever. Or thank everyone as a whole for attending. Tbh I've never known speeches at an engagement party but perhaps I haven't been to a high end one before.

You don't leave a tumbleweed gap and ignore your own family. Well you do if you're really bad mannered and there is plenty of it about.