Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Thanks for opinions I am going to step away from the thread now

IMO
Too many people get AIBU about small things like a thank you, looking for support in their fury.

So many things are going right in your life, kids happy, great party, presumably everyone healthy, if not, focus on helping others.

It’s a nothing burger, no offense was meant. It’s not a IL competition …. Unless you make it one,

It is from the groom's parents, especially as OP has now clarified that her family is actually wealthier than the bride's family who splashed out on a very swanky engagement party.

Surely the issue is your DCs lack of communication. The solution isn’t just to place the workload of communicating onto your (future) DIL. You should actively try to address this with your son. Tell him (in a non-confrontational way) that you would love to have known more in advance. Communicate with him to ask for details of the wedding, ask if there is anything (practical) that you can do to help, ie seeking recommendations for florists, wedding cakes ect to pass on to them.

£75 is weird

Just do £100

It's not about even about the amount (which does sound mean now you've said you could have afforded to throw the same party), it's the clinical number.

The bit about telling people to 'eat' is embarrassing as well. OP, you are in danger of becoming 'THAT Mil' - stop now and enjoy your happy son and lovely DIL (and generous In-laws). You are doing all this to yourself.

Both you and your son sound like extreme concrete thinkers, you need to find a better way to communicate with each other.

At some point, you could have just asked your son what was planned, what did they need/want help with rather than your very specific ideas of what the party should have been.

He said there wasn't a buffet, he didn't say there wasn't food, there must have been loads of waste with you telling everyone to eat first!

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was. We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.

And there it is. He doesn't communicate because the disapproval is rolling off you in waves. How you think the party/wedding/anything else 'needs' to be is not relevant. It's what they wanted.

Absolutely!

OH GOOD GOD! You interfered! What the hell were you thinking to tell “the whole family” to eat before going? It was not your place to do so.

You basically spoiled the catering arrangements for the guests from your family, which understandably pissed him off and you still expected a thank you in a speech?

Seriously, OP, you misjudged this one. Apologise to your son and DIL.

Reading your update OP it does seem you have very fixed idea of what an engagement party should be and, with respect, you are coming across as a reverse snob. There’s shades of ‘this isn’t for the likes of us all this fancy stuff’ - I can see your pursed lips as I read your words

You need to accept your DS lives differently from you and respect that your input interference isn’t wanted or needed. He's a grown man making his own choices - respect that

Why would he invite your judgement on his way of celebrating his engagement with his fiancé by asking you to contribute knowing you would either say no or resentfully say yes as a means to control events? There’s no possible good outcome there.

He stepped out from your shadow to begin his future with his soon to be wife as he means to go on. Free from your judgement and control. I suggest you get your head around this and fast or you are in for a very bumpy ride to nowhere good

Well there is your issue. Your type of party is different to the one they wanted. He knew that you would have opinions on it if you were paying, so he and DIL did what they wanted. The ILs paid for the party so it’s right that he thanked them at the party. It wasn’t a wedding speech, so not sure why he would mention you if you hadn’t contributed to the party?

It seems like you’re only embarrassed because you’re worrying that people will think your ILs are more generous than you. Stop worrying about what people think and concentrate on your relationship to your son and DIL and the best way you can help with the wedding. You and your son clearly don’t communicate well so probably a good idea going to your DIL directly (just be mindful not to overwhelm her).

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was. We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.

Now who’s looking down on other people’s choices? I suspect you thought the party was vulgar and flashy.

MartinCrieffsLemon · Today 00:37

What exactly did you do for the engagement party which required thanks?

Why step away because people don’t agree? Hopefully you can rethink your position as I think there are things you can learn from people’s responses.

Totally agree. This sounds like the type of DJ that you book for a 50th or 60th birthday party in a social club.

Mind you, even that would be better than the retirement party of a work colleague many years ago where there was no DJ. Instead we had her grown up son on stage playing Karma Chamelion on a tiny Yamaha organ.

'I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that.'

hopefully neither the bride nor the groom will discuss any wedding plans with you.

Yep. This made me laugh. It would sound ridiculous to show horn in a thank you where there is literally nothing to say thank you for at that point in time.

OP, I think you’re confusing this speech with wedding speeches. There is an overwhelming majority here kindly telling you and some fairly brusquely telling you that you are being unreasonable. I’d listen to this and also some of the very good advice that will help you to keep a good relationship with your son and DIL in future.

I've not read the whole thread. Op, I actually feel sorry for you. It comes over that you are struggling to accept your son and dil have their own life and ways. When our kids grow up, it's hard but we have to step back and let them fly. This is their time, ours has been and gone. Our place is in the background for when they want/need us.

Please op for all your sakes, take some time and reflect and think about how you can let go. You're replies and behaviour are very controlling like saying who to invite and telling people to eat before the party. None of that was any of your business. I've read your posts and it sounds like your son is stepping back from you and not sharing with you because he knows drama or your over involvement will follow.

Please don't push him away. They are a young couple, this is meant to be all about them and they should be on a high. Not dealing with you and your drama.

"It feels like he doesn't want our involvement" - this may well be true. My mum has always been quite 'old school and traditional' and frankly, had quite old fashioned taste, and I can well see any input she might have wanted into my wedding would have resulted in some very awkward conversations. As it happens I eloped, so not an issue, but I can absolutely see her making suggestions about decorations, music, flowers, catering etc that would be a million miles away from what I would want. So if I gave her any jobs to do, I'd have had to have specified to within an inch of my life exactly what I wanted, and make sure she didn't go off-piste "because the green one was nicer / cheaper / I think it goes better" or "I didn't go to the shop you said because look they had this one in Dunelm that's just as nice". Easier to do it myself / leave to the professionals etc. It really is down to your son to involve you, if he wants to, but you have to accept being involved in a way that works for them, not trying to get your friend of a friend DJ in on the act, or introduce confetti and balloons when that's unlikely to be what they want!

Making a sweeping statement and acknowledging that it's not always true - men, in general, tend to care less about the precise details of parties, wedding planning etc, tends often to be the bride's domain, and if the bride has particular likes / tastes that her parents are already familiar and on board with, and perhaps they are not 'old school and traditional' even though you must be similar ages - that's naturally who will be involved in the planning more. You've said you wouldn't have wanted to cover half the cost of the party even if you were asked (and perhaps your son knew you wouldn't approve of the MAGNIFICENCE hence not asking you) , so why would you expect to be thanked?

Totally agree this last sentence.

There are two ways of managing the relationship once your Dc marry - and since you say she’s a nice girl, don’t start on the score-keeping, nit-picking, offence-taking one. Big breath, big picture op.

No you don't HAVE to it just suits you to as you don't have to spend as much money then.

yes you abvu
you sound like a very overbearing mother who has to be the centre of attention to her kids.
so you gave them a measly £75, demanded who should go to the party and then expected the speech to be all praise and love for you.
Everything is not all about you. fgs,

My brother is an events promoter and I’m imagining his face if he’d been hired to put on a high end engagement party and the mother of the bridegroom to be started offering a few balloons, confetti, a bit of a buffet and ‘my cousin Dave who used to DJ on a Friday down the Dog and Duck’

I think if you read this most recent post of yours it is quite clear to see why he doesn't want your involvement.
Things like saying you could afford to pay half but don't know if you would have wanted to because it was so fancy amd it didn't need to be just sound controlling. It makes me think that if you had been involved you would have tried to change their minds about what kind of partyvtgey had because you don't agree with what they had. He probably knows you well enough to know that it would have caused friction to have you involved. You sound like you have an idea of what a party should be and think anything else is too fancy. You also mention a friend that used to be a dj, trying to tell them who to invite etc. To be honest who they invite is up to them and I wouldn't want my mums mate of a mate that was once a dj at my event either.
Even telling all your family to eat before going was OTT. I would imagine any party like that would have food such as canapés at a minimum and most people would know that.
Maybe just take a step back and respect their wishes.

I’m not a snob or think it was vulgar. I think we would have not wanted to pay for things we could diy ourselves. You can buy balloon garlands for a fraction of the price on Amazon. I have no idea how much they paid for the decor. But I could have contributed with time.

If he had said we’re buying this this and this I would have said I could handle it myself and saved money that could then be put behind the bar. Yes it would have taken me time to do but I was happy to help and it would have saved lots of money that didn’t need to be spent. The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.

@Whoisunreasonable but they clearly didn't WANT that. Maybe they just wanted you to attend as a guest and not have to work prior to it? This is a bigger issue than it needs to be. What a shame.