Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

Right, so he clearly told his siblings it'd be a nice bash with catering and I'd hazard a guess, purely based on this reply here, this was kept from you as he thought you'd (just as an example) insist on getting a buffet when the nice catering was far more their style and in keeping with the 'vibe' of the party. It sounds like you would have said "This is an unnecessary cost" as you've mentioned in your reply. Honestly, I think he just thought "This kind of party we want won't really be mum's kind of thing so best she just turns up and has a nice time as a guest." Fair enough I think.

Op, he's really not the only young adult to feel this way. I mentioned upthread that we had to be very "Thank you but no thank you" with our relatives, mainly on my side, who offered their services when frankly they aren't professionals and we were happy to pay experienced professionals and have a wedding planner to deal with everything so we had nobody to manage/double check plans with ourselves. I know relatives only try to help but it can come across as interfering and actually make things more complicated.

"Like I wanted". Not about you OP, not about you. They didn't want cheap garlands from Amazon and 'everyone banding together'. They wanted the party they arranged.

Be prepared to alienate your son and future DIL if you carry on like this.

The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.

But it isn't about what YOU wanted. Maybe you've answered your own question as to why DS didn't want you involved

It's not ALL about you.

This, please communicate with your son more, don't put the burden on DIL.
OP you both sound quite literal and black and white communicators (mainly you asking if there was a buffet and him saying 'no' not 'no, but we're providing food') so it's worth working on communicating clearly to avoid misunderstandings now you know this is an issue.

Quite. They wanted the balloon company to do the balloons that stayed up all night, not deflated before guests arrived like the Amazon ones tend to do.

I was right. Reverse snobbery.

You don’t like the style - think it’s too fancy and aren’t very happy about it.

Your son on the other hand clearly prefers it to your style which you are taking as an insult. As a pp said - he’s marrying up.

Thats the real issue here.

While you could have banded together and done the decor more cost effectively, it would have not necessarily been time effective. We saved money doing things for my friend's hen night, and it worked, but it did take a lot more time than we expected (blowing up 100 balloons is no fun!). Staging the room all took time, and access, which some venues may have been unwilling to give.

I agree. Big celebrations are about your guests having a fabulous day and relaxing too.

You don't get it, OP. I hope you do before permanent damage is done to the relationships here.

.............but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that

OMG this thread is the gift that keeps on giving.

What should it have been like?

Confetti, balloons, cheese and pineapple on sticks and a sherry trifle?

A pile of Party Sevens and a few bottles of Babycham?

Someone's drunk uncle with his old tape deck?

Fucksake OP they knew in advance what sort of party you'd put on..........

Oh dear god. You cannot behave as a guest at the engagement party why in the world would he invite your judgment at any point of the wedding planning? Just ask what colour outfit you should buy, stick to the instructions and call it quits. Feel free to order off Amazon to keep costs down, if it were me I’d be returning the £75 to put toward your outfit to keep complaints to a minimum.
Strike that - I’d be pushing for a secret destination wedding, no guests, party on our return -you probably wouldn’t like that party either 😂

Don’t worry about the money op. The ILs clearly wanted to do it because it was how their daughter wanted it.

I feel you are getting some harsh replies. I can understand how you must have felt a bit of an outsider walking into something totally unexpected, and it you are right that it wouldn’t have been out of place for your DS to have said love you lots mum and dad in his speech.

I get why you feel upset.

But strictly speaking no-one has done anything wrong, and I think his is the tone ( before the wedding) to take stock and decide you are not going to let your feelings trip you up in maintaining a good relationship with them. I have a hunch this won’t be the last time they do things on a different scale from what you would do, and I also have a hunch it might be your DIL to be who has a different aesthetic for how things should be done and your DS is caught in the middle. No-one is at fault in that: we are all different. Just try to roll along . You don’t have to do things their way in your own life.

They probably booked a package with a party planner/events promoter with everything included in the price so absolutely no value in anyone else mucking in or doing any of the elements on the cheap. You might not get it but it’s what they wanted and it’s their party not yours.

Like YOU wanted? It's not your party.

Please leave their wedding planning alone.

The same outcome, but only in your eyes. Oh dear OP, I see a long and fractured road ahead for you all. "I would love to help with the wedding" must have made their hearts sink. There is nothing more tedious than dealing with a helper who insists they can get the same but cheaper, only to find it's not the same at all. It looks cheap because it is. You are going to struggle I fear and I hope your DIL to be has a lot of patience because she's going to need it. Maybe come back to the thread over the next few days to try and really digest the advice given to you.

“The party was beautiful but I can’t help but think if we all banded together like I wanted we could have achieved the same outcome.”

You’ve learnt nothing from this OP. Your posts are all still “I, I, I”. This was they’re party it was about what they thought and about what they wanted.

it would have saved lots of money that didn’t need to be spent

You didn't spend it, nor were you asked to. The people who did spend it were very happy to spend that money to have a professionally arranged, 'fancy', 'magnificent' and 'lovely' party (your words). Not everyone wants a DIY party - they might not have the time, they might just not enjoy doing that.

if we all banded together like I wanted

For the love of god, OP, and for the millionth time - it wasn't your party. No one gives a stuff about 'how you wanted,' they were having their party to their tastes with their friends.
You already stuck your oar in far too much by making additions to the guest list and telling everyone to fill up on food before attending.

Tey didn't tell you details because your input was not just unneeded, it was actively unhelpful given the party they intended to hold.

@Whoisunreasonable - My wedding was entirely DIY, and my friends mucked in enormously. I loved it. It suited our lifestyle and income; we had a great time.

My much younger brother's wedding was at a stately home with a harpist, a band in the evening and designer clothes for the wedding party. I had offered to help of there was anything I could do but it wasn't needed and I think they had a really lovely wedding. I was delighted for them.

My DD's idea of a prom dress was a million miles away from my own. So I shut up and supported her.

You have to let go. These choices are';t about you, you don't always know best and you are not the arbiter of How Things Are Done.

You owe your son an apology for overstepping. This is a great opportunity to reflect and improve your future relationship with them both.

Not until after the posters comment.....

Often feels like people can't win with parents when they get married.

I think it's because whatever they're complaining about isn't the issue, they're upset that their child is getting married and moving onto a new stage of life. Creating a row so they can get some attention and be affirmed that their child cares and they still have control over them.

Honestly, OP, there are two kinds of people. Neither is wrong.

My DH has endless patience with poking around in TK Maxx or discount outlets and regularly finds excellent bargains. He enjoys it. For him it’s worth the time and effort. Whereas I hate shopping and will happily pay full price for something I want in order not to have to spend forever scoping out the racks in TK Maxx.

I wouldn’t have the time or patience to cater and make balloon garlands and floral arches or whatever for a big engagement party. If I had the cash, and wanted a party, I would pay someone else to cater, decorate and serve.

Wouldn't have been more awkward if he had thanked you in the speech

"Thanks IL for organising and paying for tonight, thanks mum and dad for errrr the card"

YABVU
He had nothing to thank you for because you did nothing. Despite offering services, it was being done by the firm hired. You gave a small amount the next day.

How much did the whole thing cost him? When did he discuss the whole plans, where, cost etc, a very long time ago. Were you involved then?