Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

You do sound a bit out of touch.

£75 is a small gift really, and saying it's because it's what you gave your other children doesn't make much sense. You could at least increase it for inflation! And I'm sure your other kids wouldn't care if you gave more to this son, they really wouldn't, especially if you're better off now. If they even knew.

Also offering to do confetti and balloons - it's clear this wasn't required for their do. And the DJ! A "friend who used to do it", honestly I'd be cringing, I'd be worried they would be getting out their old vinyls and playing Hi Ho Silver Lining! I'm afraid this is all a bit old hat really.

I don't think there was anything to thank you for at the do. You don't thank your parents for existing at your engagement so. I'd suggest you try to be a lot more zen about the wedding. But deal with DIL re arrangements. And use an inflation calculator on that sum you're offering towards the wedding!

I think OP may also feel sensitive that her family are better off than brides family but the brides family still valued spending money on throwing a nice party.

Another vote for YABU. I get that the heart wants what the heart wants, but the future bride's parents were being thanked for a very specific reason - eg, paying for the couple's all-bells-and-whistles engagement party, NOT for being a lovely mummy and daddy to her over the years. The reason that they were thanked doesn't apply to the OP.

I will not pursue this matter further as I don’t want to fall out but think I will go to DIL for everything in the future as she offers much more information. Son can come visit me and not mention anything and the next day I will get a message from her with important wedding updates son never mentioned!

So make sure you're really, REALLY nice to her. Lest your son turns out to be one of those clueless males who leaves everything to the wife. You will need to be on her good side then.

Did he individually thank every other guest in his speech?

I think you're BU sorry OP but I can understand why it might feel hurtful - but I do think he had a reason to thank them and not really you at this point.

The party presumably cost up to a few thousand for his future in-laws if quite fancy as you said (and if a 1 year old's party in a venue can add up to a couple of/few hundred, as I was recently told by a sensible friend). Of course he had to thank them. If he thanked you for your smaller gift, surely he'd have to thank everyone for their smaller gift too?

He'll do the long speech at the wedding. You'll be horrified to know my husband and I thanked each other's parents/side of the family but not our own. That's how we decided to thank everyone without repetition and keep speeches short - we had several speakers! I would have felt silly doing the whole "Thank you for the way you brought me up" thing but was happy for my husband to thank my parents for doing it. We also thanked our large number of suppliers privately in a lovely card - but we did acknowledge we'd do this in our joint speech and most weren't even there anyway so it would have been pointless. Just explaining as I know wedding speeches and engagement speeches can be a very sensitive topic. But my point is different couples might do things a little differently.

I'd definitely insist on a special meal somewhere nice to celebrate their engagement as a gift from his side of the family. But I'd have done this earlier tbh - but it's not too late, especially if he didn't want to initially.

Not the point of the thread, I know, but I think your token gift was fine btw - and we gift very generously at weddings knowing how expensive they are. It's their engagement, not the bloody wedding.

I don’t see it as this at all. I think her DS has deliberately withheld information because she is a busy body and will try to involve herself, so the less she knows the better.

OP clearly told all of his family to eat before going and had no idea of the plans but I’m interested to know what information her DS friends had? Not DIL’s friends, his friends. I would bet he gave them much more information.

Your son sounds like a bit of a man child or perhaps he just doesn’t want you involved.

I’m afraid your update doesn’t make you sound less controlling. You shouldn’t have been telling him to invite. It’s fine to say are you inviting any wider family? Put not to tell him who to invite. You’re offers of help were very specific. Going forward it would be best to ask if they’re is anything which you can do to help to both of them ot ask questions about how the planning of something is going without assuming they will be doing the same thing you’ve done in your life. Your son and FDIL may do very different thing to you and your DH it’s not a judgement on your life, it’s about what they want to do in their lives.

Tou just said he thanked everyone for coming and for the presents.......that line in his speech is directed to everyone, including yourself because you gave him 75.00 which is in line with people giving presents.

The party itself does deserve a mention separately because it's what has brought everyone together and wil have cost hundreds. You're being petty.

I understand your point OP. Did he actually ask you to fund the party and would you have been able to split the costs with PIL? If you could have funded it and would have been happy to do so, it would have been nice to be included in the planning. It's like they've gone ahead and planned everything and cut you out of the process.

When we got engaged we hosted a party ourselves at our own house, so didn't need any particular contribution from parents. But we invited both sets to come a bit early to be there for setting up/an early glass of champagne and greeting everyone as they arrived. I think either set would have been offended if we'd only asked one set of parents and not the other. It's more about setting the tone for future family relationships.

If you couldn't have afforded to split the costs or wouldn't have been willing to do so then I understand them not asking you, but it wouldn't have gone amiss him mentioning you for one sentence. I think it's likely a case of your son not thinking rather than purposefully cutting you out. In his mind it's probably a case of "everyone here is a guest at this party so thanks to all for coming...oh and in-laws paid for it, so they get a special mention". Rather than "In-laws are so much better than my parents so they get a mention and my parents don't!" I don't think it was intended as a snub but I can see how it felt like one.

I would take your son aside on his own at some point and say you felt a bit left out of the engagement celebrations as they planned everything with in-laws, but you'd love a chance to be involved in the wedding planning/celebrations/funding etc. Just make it clear to him that you'd enjoy being involved and don't want to set a precedent of in-laws doing everything and you being left out.

'id like to thank my future wife's family, my soon to be mil and fil for arranging this amazing party. You have been so welcoming and supportive. I am so pleased to be able to celebrate this occasion too with my parents and to all our wonderful guests.. but most of all my amazing fiancé who I love with all my heart's

Done. Bit ott, but pleases everyone.

OP can you explain what makes this party so fancy? Many of us are intrigued.

Can you also please tell us what information he gave you, along with what you know he gave other people? I’m really thinking he deliberately withheld information from you. It could be he is useless as you say but I really don’t think he wants you involved here and you need to get to the bottom of the reasons why.

Also offering to do confetti and balloons - it's clear this wasn't required for their do. And the DJ! A "friend who used to do it", honestly I'd be cringing, I'd be worried they would be getting out their old vinyls and playing Hi Ho Silver Lining! I'm afraid this is all a bit old hat really

Missed this bit.

Yeah, sounds like your son and DIL had a particular something in mind for their party OP and your balloons and things wouldn't really fit in. I do get it. My aunt, bless her, wanted to do a buffet for us as she used to be a caterer many moons ago - even though we had a sit down meal and canapés etc. It feels less stressful to just hand stuff over to suppliers who are experienced. I wouldn't take it personally!

Also as an aside £75 in 2010 is the equivalent of £120 in 2024. You didn’t say when your oldest child’s wedding was so I’ve guessed 2010. So you’re not being fair to them by giving the same amount - you’re giving them far less in actual value terms.

Perfect. I cannot stand overly long wedding speeches with repetition. I will totally get it if my own Dc are economical in speeches - as long as they give us a nice private thank you in a card or in person.

OK, so the real issue is you feel
outclassed.

They don’t want an “old fashioned” party with balloons and confetti and a family friend of a friend DJ. I don’t blame them, it’s all a bit 1980s and tastes have changed.
My kids wouldn’t want that either, and what suited me and DH 30-plus years ago won’t suit them.

They also wanted to invite friends but you felt you had the right to “remind them to invite” Auntie Louise and Uncle John.
Overstepping.

You are much better off financially than you were when your older children got married but you haven’t kept pace with budgets or tastes.

£75 when comfortably off is quite frankly embarrassing. Your older children won’t give a shit, even if it were any of their business. Which it isn’t. Giving “what was affordable to us at the time” is more equal than giving the same amount across a large gap in time and income.

These are your insecurities, not something your son and future DIL need to manage.

I agree. This is for an engagement party... But nothing to do with how much his parents (the OP) shelled out for a present. Just acknowledging existence.

I can see why OP feels 'overlooked'. Doesn't sound like she is looking for anything gushy or showy. Just acknowledgment. Doesn't take much.

please stop digging this hole. This was their party they did it to their taste and have no obligation to warn you about their choices and you have no obligation to like them. Turn up, be polite, wish them well, that is all.
Likely the communication has been limited by your son to avoid unnecessary judgments - in your posts you come across as judgmental about other people spending their money in ways that you would not have chosen - and say you did not do something ( forced to invite guests) then explain how you did exactly that using other wording. I’m not even going Near the £75 not adjusted for inflation thing and calling it fair for all children.
my strong advice is do not not bring this judgement based attitude to your relationship with your future DIL as it will quickly become the highway to hell for all concerned. You are going to have to be very careful about that as your internal needle is, for whatever reason, waaay off.

OP, kindly, you are being ridiculous. The vast majority of replies on this thread and practically all the voting is saying the same thing, but you still keep banging on about wanting to be thanked. THERE WAS NOTHING TO THANK YOU FOR. This wasn't the occasion to be thanked for 'raising him' and all that you've done as parents, this was a party and he, rightly, thanked the PILs for throwing it.

You have quoted practically the only person who has agreed with you and ignored everyone else.

Actually you should take comfort from this thread that your DS was not rude or unkind and that you have misjudged the evening and your expectations.

You have a lovely DIL
Generous PILS
And that, frankly, is a massive win.

Your gift is neither here nor there. It's a strange amount - £75 - that does make it feel a bit clinical, and although you didn't ask for views on that, it does add to a picture of you being very 'just so' about things.

We received the same invitation as everyone else. The date, time and location.

He was upset with me at the party as I told everyone to eat and asked me why and I said because you told me there was no food! He said no I said there was no buffet! Then he said to his siblings you knew there was food. I said well maybe you should have been clearer with me!!

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was. We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that. But he didn’t give us the choice. It feels like he doesn’t want our involvement. I think I will ask him to come for a chat to discuss why.

Really?! Not in my world!!

How is giving each child £75 fair if there is a big game and £75 now buys you a lot less. Surely adjusting for inflation would be fairer.

you don’t need to give anything towards the wedding but £75 is low as a parental contribution so I don’t think you can expect too much gratitude. Not saying you should give more as there is no reason you need to give anything but £75 is a standard wedding gift and not a contribution towards the wedding.

For God's sake OP, put the shovel down.

I just wasn’t expecting to walk in to as magnificent as it was. We do have the funds to pay for half if he had asked but I’m not sure we would have wanted to pay for something so fancy when it didn’t really need to be like that. But he didn’t give us the choice. It feels like he doesn’t want our involvement. I think I will ask him to come for a chat to discuss why.

I think most people on this thread would be able to tell you WHY right now. Still, you obviously won't rest easy until you've soured the whole thing so have at it.

I have text saying I love them both very much and would love to be involved in any future wedding plans.

I agree with the OP. The reason for the party is an engagement.

Imaging this was for an 18th birthday of a child whose parents were separated. father paid for the party. Son does a quick thank you speech 'thanks so much for coming tonight everyone and thanks so much for my dad for arranging the party' ... Could just have easily said 'thanks mum and da for coming tonight and all my wonderful guests. Thanks so much dad for arranging such a great party'. Easy.