Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

You would have had your parents beavering away with the caterers and crew while the rest of you turned up in your glam half an hour before doors opened to have a quick check over everything?

But as everyone else has said - the in laws thanks was for paying for the party. There was nothing to thank you for on this occasion.

The “thanks for being my parents” etc etc comes at the wedding!

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable OP. You were one of the "chief" guests (to say the least) and a small mention would have been appropriate. Obviously his most effusive thanks went to the future in-laws but he could've said "love to my mum". Especially if he said "love you all" about the other guests. I think some posters on here perhaps haven't got to the stage of having adult children and really don't understand quite how hurtful little things can be. I would've felt a little bit marginalised too. I certainly wouldn't say anything to rock the boat, but it's only human nature to feel a bit sad about it.

You can't expect someone to accept your offer of a DJ that you know that they don't know though. People like to research and get someone who comes with reviews, videos, and so on. The music is the biggest part of a party.

£75 is not a small token gift! Most people don't do engagement gifts at all anymore!

I think you are spot on with going through your dil in future x

I think given they paid for everything they needed a special mention. If he was thanking them for raising a wonderful daughter who kindly agreed to marry him then it would be your future dil who would thank you in turn but it doesn’t sound like she gave a speech?

As for the gift I think you can adjust for inflation. When I was at uni a kindly relative gave me £2k which I was very grateful for. My younger cousin just started and he gave her 10k. I’m not pouting about it, I think it’s shocking indicator of how much more expensive it is to rent/ live in Edinburgh now and how wonderfully generous he was and is. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean the same.

OP's DS has pointed out that this wasn't his wedding speech (when he presumably intends to acknowledge his parents).

This is what he thanked people for
he [said he] loved everyone and thanks for coming and bringing the presents. He thanked DIL for agreeing to marry him and then he thanked her family for paying and planning for the whole party

He thanked his fiancee's parents specifically for paying for and planning the party.
This is not a general acknowledgement of all their support through the years, being great parents etc. If he'd done that and excluded OP, it would have been hurtful.
He didn't.
He thanked them for one specific thing. There wasn't an equivalent specific thing to thank OP for.

OP said it was a gift from the bride’s family in lieu of an engagement present (with DS and sil organising) and OP wasn’t given a chance to offer to pay. DH’s family is Indian and they host massive parties like this too - but the parents rarely do more than pay. It’s the bride and groom who do all the work but it’s expected that both sets of parents would be thanked as (presumably) both sets of parents contributed to their child being alive and being able to marry at all.

I can see why you felt embarrassed and left out, definitely. But I also don't think your son was being unreasonable. If, for example, the party had been hosted by his best friend then it's the friend who would have been thanked and neither set of parents would have been mentioned. It was the party hosting that he was thanking for, not any kind of value attachment of being wonderful parents. But I can see how it would feel like a kick in the gut to you. Just unfortunate but blame on neither side, imo.

I wouldn't have said anything though because now you will 100% get effusive thanks at the wedding. You probably would have done anyway but, being a paranoid person, I would be sitting there thinking 'are they only thanking me because I said I was upset about not being thanked at the engagement party. Maybe they don't mean it' and then obsess over it for 10 years. Hopefully you're not like that!!

I agree with this. The parents were hosting an engagement party for their daughter, which they paid for, many thousands of pounds by the sound of it. So it is good manners for your son to thank them, as they were the people who threw the party. It would have been rude to thank you, it wasn’t your party.

Fancy party I’d bring a gift/ cash/ voucher: bottle of decent champagne. No engagement gift is a let’s celebrate in the pub on Sat and all chuck money in a kitty.

Oh I’m with the OP, it would take 2 seconds to acknowledge his own family at the time, I’d be hurt too.

well at least you now know what to expect at the wedding - something even better than the engagement party !

It's good to see you've taken on board some of the points made and I'm sorry your son let you down by not providing relevant details about the party. Yes to checking in with the bride, no to making suggestions about helping unless it's phrased along the lines of "please let me know if I can do anything to help". As you've discovered people manage these events very differently now and if you can acknowledge and accept that, it will go a long way. BTW, you don't know but maybe the bride's parents took out a loan to finance the party or remortgaged the house or used an inheritance, whatever, it doesn't matter, that's their business, no one else's.

He thanked them for arranging and paying for the party, at the party. If you’d also been part of arranging and paying for the party, I’m sure he’d have thanked you publicly too. Yabu. I assume you’ve been thanked for your gift, as I’m sure other people who have given gifts will have been thanked.

It most definitely is a token amount.

If I had not offered my help then I could completely understand leaving us out of the speech but I did.

Worse to be thanked for your offer of help that wasn't needed/taken up. It's nice that you offered, don't get me wrong, but as you've understood, you have very different ideas of what a party is and it's not necessarily a value judgement, just two incompatible things. They're fine not to want your DJ, and would be fine even to not want aunts and uncles there if it wasn't a party for that group, though it sounds like they did take you up after your several 'reminders' to invite them. Now that you're clear on them having their own way of running these things, I'd try to take it less to heart and see it as part of having done a good job of bringing him up to be his own person. By all means go through DIL to keep up to date on their plans, but do remember that its their plans, not yours. Offer help but then let them take you up on it or not. You're not responsible for managing whether everyone eats or not before the party and so on. It feels like you're used to having a lot of influence/control and have to accept that you don't in this case. Enjoy the freedom from that and enjoy their parties instead. They sound great.

@Whoisunreasonable I will not pursue this matter further as I don’t want to fall out but think I will go to DIL for everything in the future as she offers much more information. Son can come visit me and not mention anything and the next day I will get a message from her with important wedding updates son never mentioned!

So instead of reiterating to your son, raised by you and DH, that he needs to grow up and take responsibiltiy for communicating dates and events you plan to use DiL as his social secretary? How is that fair?

Set the expectation now that as a grown adult (even if he is a spoilt youngest) he needs to grow up and information on dates, events, key news etc when needed and not use his wife as social secretary.

Otherwise you will be back again and again over the years complaining that your DiL "hasn't told you something" rather than addressing the fact that you have raised a son who doesn't think its his job to update people.

I think the just look down on my idea of a party and that’s upsetting but I understand they are different and bride in particular likes nice things.. nothing wrong with that.

This is such a telling sentence, OP. You have absolutely no evidence that they look down on your idea of a party. That is your extrapolation based on the choices that they made for their party. Will you consider that they 'look down on' fruit cake if they have a chocolate cake at the wedding?

You need to nip your own inferiority complex in the bud or you will find perceived judgements everywhere, entirely of your own making.

Oh get over yourself😂 He didn't thank the in laws for being wonderful people, for being great parents to his fiancé, or for simply being there. He thanked them for throwing them a party. It wasn't the theme or purpose of his quick few words to thank people on a deep and personal level.

Just imagine.. 'Thank you to my future in laws for their kindness and generosity in throwing us this party. And thank you to my parents.. For.. Being my parents.' Awkward, suddenly the whole room knows you didn't contribute.

It wasn't fitting in the moment. It would've made you look bad being thanked for nothing. The wedding is for the emotional speeches. So yes, YABU.

As others have said, the trouble is you son is basically rather thoughtless and sexist. Your solution if just going through DIL recognizes both those facts. Yes, you soj should have thought of a way to include you and thank you but just doesn't think. I assume that this has always been ok because the was the little ...turns out he thinks that women do the family and the social things. That's sexist and in your case because you are his parents - you are not as important. We're you in charge of these things in your own family. Did he grow up seeing you doing those things and never seeing his dad being in charge of social engagements?

If you read the OPs posts she says the tbe party was the thrown by the bride to be parents as an engagement gift. Not sure why you would expect the couple to throw their own part when the parents had offered it as a gift.
Let's not forget that the OP also messaged the son before hand saying there was no point getting them a gift she would just send money. That comes across as quite unthoughtful. No point getting a gift comes across as not wanting to put much effort in and a bit disinterested whereas the woman's parents threw them a lovely party.

Good post. Other people’s different choices are not a judgement on yours, OP. DH and I got married on our lunchbreak with two witnesses and a bouquet we bought from a flower stall outside the town hall. My brother got married with 200 guests and a string quartet in a beautiful Palladian building. Neither choice invalidates the other.

I do wonder if you were more hindrance than help, nagging to remind him about guests and food. What did you offer to do specifically? Did you offer to put up he decorations they had chosen or did you try to input into those choices? They are different.

Regarding offering to have an engagement meal- did you offer to actually organise it, like tell me where you want to go between X & Y venue and I'll book it for 8pm on 1st November, my treat. Or did you just vaguely say let's celebrate with a meal out? They may have invitation fatigue and not want to find extra money for extra celebrations.

I think you're right to try and build a better bond with DIL. That would be a better outcome.

And just to note, treating people fairly doesn't mean giving people the same. £75 went a lot further back then.