Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

You need to get over yourself, and fast.

Oh OP, don't be that mother in law. 😣.
Financially our DDs in laws are in another league to us. They are extremely wealthy. I wouldn't ever expect to be thanked for something that they paid for.
That said we are all falling over ourselves to be gracious and polite to each other because we adore their son and they adore our daughter.
Love keeps no scores.

It really shouldn't matter how much parents can afford to give.

What rubbish, the OP may not be able to contribute the same as the woman's parents to her wedding! There seems to be an implication in this thread that parental contact should be on a pay-per-view and is very distasteful.

I’m sorry but YABU - completely.

Firstly, you are unhappy that he thanked his in-laws for paying for an extravagant party for him and his new fiancée and didn’t mention you in an “impromptu” speech. You are being ridiculous.

Secondly, and most importantly who your son and fiancé chose to invite is up to them. “Reminding” them to invite people who you believe should be on the guest list is controlling and borders dangerously close to interfering MIL territory.

You sound rather old fashioned with some statements you have made and without wanting to offend, I think you very quickly need to accept that your son and his fiancé are going to be doing things differently to how you may have done things in the past. If you don’t you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I’ve seen both sides. My MIL is very old fashioned, however she never once tried to control or be “too involved” in planning our wedding and I have a fantastic relationship with her. My sister has a controlling MIL and you can imagine the impact that has had on their relationship.

This is about your son’s happiness, not yours.

Not her business at all, she was clearly invited simply as a guest!

You have a very odd idea of fairness. How is giving your youngest child the same amount as their siblings ‘fair’ when you say yourself that it bought ‘a lot more’ years ago when their siblings got engaged/married?

My husband is 20 years younger than his older siblings. Each of whom received £1000 as a contribution to their first house. £1000 is a thousand but the same 'fairness' metric was applied although his parents could have afforded to uprate it in line with inflation.
People do this.

It sounds to me like you felt left out and possibly left behind. You didn’t really want to help with the party; you didn’t want to be seen to have not helped with the party. This is a form of narcissism. It’s also why you feel embarrassed and humiliated about the lack of acknowledgement rather than hurt or upset.

'I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people'

you did what !!!

not your party, not your guest list

and if you tried interfering re the engagement party, I hate to think what you will get up to re the wedding.

and...you were thanked, you and all the other guests were thanked for coming to the party

There are some parties where the offer of 'help' means blowing up some balloons and arranging some sausage rolls on a platter. This was clearly a very smart party which was fully catered, which is why the DS thanked his PILs-to-be for their planning and payment, not for their 'help'. They won't have done any of the practical set-up of the party either - they have clearly booked suppliers. All OP had to do was turn up and enjoy the party as a guest. You're really on a hiding to nothing here, as is OP.

i kind of see both points.

My niece recently married and thanked the parents and family members who financially contributed - not those who didn't
Made perfect sense

But her parents were thanked for doing something. You hadn’t done something to be thanked for. If two friends came to yours for coffee and one brought cake you would thank her for the cake, you won’t thank the other who didn’t bring cake for bringing cake because she didn’t bring cake.

I’m hoping you’re a troll because your posts are like crazy MIL bingo. If it’s real you’re going to push them away if you continue like this.

This superior attitude is sad though. 'Sausage rolls on a platter' .

I'd have given my parents jobs to do even if it wasn't needed at such a 'smart' party. We do these things to be kind, inclusive and make our loved ones feel as important as the people coughing up for fancy party.

I wonder why the bride and groom to be didn't shell out for their own fancy party.

Yes, this.

And it does remind me, as a pp said, of another recent thread by an OP who’d worked her fingers to the bone for one son’s wedding and felt unappreciated (understandably, but she seems to have kicked off about it during the wedding, as well as getting into a drunken fight with the groom the night before), but was also terribly annoyed that another son who is getting married has refused all offers of help and says she’s just to turn up and enjoy herself!

I love a platter of sausage rolls. No superiority here.

There's a fundamental lack of understanding on both sides here. You might feel that giving someone a little job at a smart function is a kindness which makes them feel involved. Others would consider it patronising to send Mum and Dad into the kitchen with the staff and would wonder why on earth the groom's parents weren't being allowed to enjoy the party as important guests. Do you see how it goes both ways?

Op just in terms of the money, if the last wedding was many years ago , and you want to give the same amount to each child.

It would be much fairer to update the amount by inflation to be the equivalent amount of money today. That's the fairest thing to do.

For example £75 ten years ago is the equivalent of £106 today.

£75 fifteen years ago is £126 today

I also don't understand why you told him to invite certain people, it was his party, not yours.

It’s natural to feel hurt. Your ds sounds like he’s had his head turned by the money his fiancee’s parents threw at the engagement party rather than their time. Because it seems that’s all they provided if vendors were used to sort it all and DS and fiancee planned it. But you’ve told him now, he knows how you feel, so just drop it and try to move on.

It’s not ‘superior’, only an acknowledgement that there were no such jobs to be done at this party, because it was fully catered and they’d hired people to decorate. There was literally nothing to ‘include’ either part of the couple’s parents in, in terms of jobs, because this party wasn’t DIY.

Contrast another current thread where a wedding was clearly much more DIY, where the unfortunate mother of the groom paid for everything, AND cooked the entire buffet, AND was making sausage rolls in the early hours of the morning of the actual wedding day. (And was so stressed and exhausted she got into a fight with the groom over the sausage rolls, decided not to attend the wedding, and only changed her mind at the last minute, and then ended up kicking off at the wedding because she felt unappreciated — so the other extreme isn’t great, either.)

I think this sums up most of the problems. I reckon OP, who describes herself as traditional and “old school”, thinks an engagement party should be held in the family dining room with sandwiches, trifle and a cake, a couple of glasses of sparkling wine each, with the guest list consisting of aunts, uncles and cousins, family friends and a few of the neighbours.

It’s important to note that I am NOT saying there’s anything wrong with that. But the problem is, when it’s turned out to be an expensive catered affair, OP’s nose has been put out of joint. She’s somewhere between overawed and appalled at the canapés and party favours that are “like nothing I’ve ever seen!” She’s found that her offer of extra sausage rolls and her reminders (i.e. insistences) that Aunty Pam and Norris and Barbara from next door must be invited are unnecessary/unwelcome. She thinks it’s all very showy and disapproves - and the lack of a thank you (for nothing) makes her realise she DID nothing.

I think this is a reverse. Whether it is it not op you are bonkers or op yes your mum is bonkers. You’ve /she has behaved like a random guest leaving a card on a table with nothing in!!

'Others would consider it patronising to send Mum and Dad into the kitchen with the staff and would wonder why on earth the groom's parents weren't being allowed to enjoy the party as important guests. Do you see how it goes both ways?'

No I didn't mean get his parents washing up or anything whilst the inlaws hold court as they'd paid. Rather involve them in the planning and preparation.

Weddings and engagements usually have 2 sets of parents. Both should be acknowledged when any speeches are made. It is courtesy and basic manners.

When I read posts like this I just think that the OP has too much time on her hands… you are fretting over something so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

Throw your own celebration for them OP, it doesn’t have to be grand.

Also, their engagement is not about you.

I am taking in everyone’s points. I would like to clarify I have never made a thread about this or any of my other children’s weddings so any other poster is not me. I am a bit apprehensive to share so many details as people have mentioned this might end up in the paper… I hope not.

I think PPs are right I was shocked when I walked in. The party was a lot more than I expected. Without going into too much detail neither family are rich. In fact we probably have more money than brides family and I know this for a fact hence why I was so shocked when we walked in. Son didn’t prepare me for the party at all, this isn’t just this party he is pretty useless at this kind of stuff. I asked about a buffet and was told there wasn’t one so encouraged the whole family to eat beforehand and there was food and lots of it when we got there! Just not a buffet.

I did not force him to invite anyone and certainly not random people. I had to remind him to invite my sisters and his dad’s brothers. They are his aunties and uncles. He grew up with them in his life.

If I had not offered my help then I could completely understand leaving us out of the speech but I did. There was just nothing to do as it was all handled. I think the just look down on my idea of a party and that’s upsetting but I understand they are different and bride in particular likes nice things.. nothing wrong with that. I didn’t just offer confetti I even offered help with the dj as my friend used to be one and said he could do it and was turned down there.

I will not pursue this matter further as I don’t want to fall out but think I will go to DIL for everything in the future as she offers much more information. Son can come visit me and not mention anything and the next day I will get a message from her with important wedding updates son never mentioned!

Is it embarrassing not to be thanked or is it embarrassing to have everyone know that the party was not contributed to by you? Not that you were asked, but by the sounds of 75 quid gift maybe you’re not in a position to do it, and I’d hazard to guess that’s what’s got you feeling unsettled, not your son’s normal and appropriate behaviour. If money is at issue, and it’s not for the in-laws, that’s what you need to come to terms with sooner rather than later, because it’s going to be weddings, grandkid gifts and a long life of feeding stressed about measuring up if you don’t.