Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

You are definitely low-balling your son. If there’s an age gap between siblings then you need to raise your gift and contribution amounts significantly. You should be paying equal amounts to the brides parents for the wedding. Even if one child before wanted a tiny wedding and it cost little, you should be offering half to your next to let them have whatever style of wedding they want. Extravagant or simple. That’s equality. Not exact pounds and pence. You let the couple have the wedding they want and support whatever that it by an equal share regardless of amount.

I think OP, that what is happening here is that you are not so much hurt as bewildered. This is your youngest child. You've been through this twice and think you know how things should be.

You "know" the correct amount for a gift - £75- but actually that won't buy very much, certainly not as much as when you gave £75 to your older children.
You "know" who should be invited - but actually if you are not hosting and paying, you don't get to decide who is invited.
You "know" what decorations are needed - balloons and table confetti - but actually the venue was being decorated by professional venue decorators.
You "know" what to expect from an engagement party, but arrived to find aspects that you had never come across before.
And finally you "know" what to expect from a speech, but that didn't happen either.

I think that you would have had a more sympathetic response if you had said you were bewildered, confused and hurt, rather than just hurt.

All of us who have adult children have been there, OP, we've all been bewildered by something our children do, or say, or think. I think you might feel better if you reflect on the bewilderment rather than the hurt.

You could turn this to your advantage - talk to your DS and soon-to-be DIL. What a lovely party! What were those canapes? I'd never seen any like that before, but they were delicious! etc etc.

The mind boggles…

Oh @Gloriia 😂 bless your heart 🤦‍♀️

A) nothing wrong with the Dog and Partidge 🤷‍♀️ But it clearly wasn't where this event was held! (which was my point)

B) the OP is very rigid and inflexible (the whole £75 thing is just bonkers!)

C) This event was planned professionally- it didn't need anyone else involved! It wasn't a snub...a party planner doesn't need the 'help' of an 'old fashioned' (OPs own description of herself) MIL to do what they're being paid to do ffs!

D) having to 'remind' her son 'who to invite' to his own engagement party...well that's just rude and interfering!

The OP does not come out of this well in any of her posts.

This is such a kind, thoughtful post and probably what the OP needs.

Both my sisters and best friends have older children and the separation when they get to a certain age can be such a weird and confusing time.

I'm sorry you're feeling excluded OP. You showed up for him, and that's the most important thing right now. You've also spoken to him, so get some independent help to work through it. Arrange something else with them and try to maintain that relationship as best you can. 💐

Yeah, you’re right. I bet the party guests are still talking. Might as well have thrown them in the stocks.

I completely understand you / anyone should give what they choose and what they can afford as a wedding gift but we didnt apply such rigid rules as you . We have two adult DCs and one married several years after the other . The amount we gave the first paid for approximately a third of the cost their wedding and so when the younger married several years afterwards we also gave them a third of the cost of their wedding . We felt this was completely fair, as both had similar style weddings .
I think you are stuck in the past OP . You cannot dictate guest lists and party style . We look back at our own wedding and wish we had the fun wedding , surrounded by our own friends , that our DCs did , rather than an event, however lovely, that was really arranged by our parents , in their style .

I think it would have sounded worse to include you to be honest.

Thank you to the in-laws for throwing us this party, thank you mum and dad for turning up

Sorry OP, I think your son (and dil) were being thoughtless in excluding you from the preperations and especially in not thanking you. Especially if your future in laws are a lot wealthier than you.

I also think it makes your son look bad to not thank you. I'm sure some guests noticed and thought it was odd.

He may indeed be feeling bad about it now.

re the engagement gifts - the money should probably reflect inflation.

At the wedding, yes. At an engagement party, no.

If you’re so big on thanks OP, I presume you thanked the ILs for paying for and arranging this whole event that you attended?

Definitely.

'Thanks, inlaws, for this incredible catered party with no expense spared, thanks mum and dad for the £75 engagement gift.' Would have showed the parents up far more.

Then I hope the journalists do their job properly and find out what these fancy party items are! The very existence of which is beyond the ken of many!
I'm itching to know.

It doesn't sound like he was doing a wedding type speech with life long reflections and thanks etc.
It sounds like he was thanking everyone in the moment who came to the party (which included you) then rightly made an extended thank you to the in laws who have paid and organised it all.
Wedding speeches are the place for the type of mention you want not a party you didn't organise or pay for...

£75?! Really? Good lord, that’s embarrassing. You might aswell have given 75p. No wonder you didn’t get a thanks. You should have given more. £100 gift was standard amongst my FRIENDS a couple of years ago, and we arnt family. Very cheap skate.

I don't think your son did anything wrong - you didn't contribute any cost to the party.

It sounds tricky with trying to balance keeping it fair with siblings, which I do think is the right thing to do from personal experience. However I can see how your £75 gesture has paled in comparison to the in laws.

I suppose if you've struggled with money in the past (not judging we have too), son must have found it very generous and a stark difference to what he's seen within his own family unit, so maybe that's why he's made a big deal of the in laws.

I suppose when you asked to help and he's said they have vendors organising it, that would have been the entry point for you to say oh can we cover xyz for you... But that wouldn't have tied up with your £75 cash engagement tradition. Maybe he's grown up with the value of money in your home and hasn't wanted yo ask you for thousands to go towards party. Maybe the in laws have wanted to keep it to themselves and elbow you out a bit. Who knows?

Difficult.

And I suppose with you saying you have set amount for wedding contribution, the same thing is going to happen again. They're not going to have a small intimate wedding after a big engagement party, so how far will your set contribution go, probably not far. It's not like they're going to go to the local registry office. So I suppose it's about finding your place in it all. Good luck x

This was not a wedding.

This is an engagement present we're talking about, not a wedding gift.

So instead of just being there, celebrating with your son, being lovely and having a nice time with future ILs, you've made a huge fuss in the run up, randomly mentioned things to do for the party that was none of your business, suggested people to invite and then during the party badgered him about not being mentioned, are still upset days later, made a fuss of sending a small amount and followed up with him about a card?? He's going to be SO ANNOYED with you by the time the wedding rolls around. Just butt out and let him live his life. If he wants to mention you and give you a special shout out, he will. If he doesn't, being badgered to do so will hardly help.

It was very fancy. I tried to help as I said with the decorations but they said they had hired people and I also had to keep reminding my son to invite certain people but other than that I was told not to help as it was sorted.

If you'd been paying for a party, you might think that the need for other people to be involved signalled distrust of the people you'd hired.
Professional caterers and venue decorators tend to discourage intervention from family members. They have a reputation/standards to maintain and they don't want people to think that Auntie M's must-have cheese fudge is something they made or similar.
I'm not sure of the etiquette around 'keep reminding about the invitations' when you're not the person paying for the party. A one-off list might have been sufficient.
A dinner with the happy couple in the future would be a good chance to get together. It would not be a good time for you to air that your abiding memory of the engagement party is that you've ended up feeling excluded, unacknowledged, and under-appreciated.

£75 is still very cheap for an engagement present too, as the parents. Should have been a lot more.

Be prepared to be the second string for the rest of their marriage, especially when there are babies etc., women don't seem to like their husbands having much to do with her awful in-laws whereas he will have to worship his!

'randomly mentioned things to do for the party that was none of your business'

A mother tries to help with an engagement party? It really is her business as he is her son so she of course is interested.

It would seem rather cruel that they snubbed her offer of help then thanked the inlaws in a speech for their help. I wonder if the inlaws were embarrassed? I would have been.

I was hoping for fire eaters and racing camels 😂