Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

She knows it wasn't because OP describes it as being much fancier than that. The OP offered to be involved but is very clear that she'd not spend more than £75 so it would barely have covered a couple of bottles of champagne. Her other involvement of getting her friends on the guest list is probably more annoying than helpful. She needs to let this one go and stop making it a thing because of some perceived slight to her ego. The DS is right that the thanks she's fixating on is a wedding speech thing nothing to do with this situation.

What is wrong with these sons!?😂Like they’re a deviant sub-group or something. This wedding sounds positively ominous.

Your son is 'marrying up'. That may well involve some experiences for you which take you out of your comfort zone, but if you are to remain on good terms with him, don't try to hold him back and don't embarrass him.

OP I would ignore suggestions offering to take future ILs out for a meal, I feel your attitudes on general expenditure are too diverse for that to be a unifying experience.

Because the OP has stressed on several occasions that it was ‘fancy’ and ‘an extravagant do’, and said that they had things she’d never come across before. She clearly envisioned more of a knees up at the Dog and Partridge, from her offer to decorate with confetti and balloons, but her son said they’d hired decorators, so I think you’re right that she expected a casual pub function room thing, and it turned out not to be…

If I were his in laws I would notice this as being very thoughtless

Hhhmm, if I were the in-laws, I would have thought any acknowledgment of thanks to his parents was very perplexing in this context. ‘Thanks to my parents for the support’. Of what? This is specifically about the engagement party and, given I’d financed it in totality I’d be chin scratching and side eyeing wondering what support they had provided.

My DD had an engagement party recently. The young couple arranged and paid for it themselves. it was a great afternoon/evening.

They made a speech thanking everyone for coming and saying how nice it was to have the two sets of families and friends all together but didn't thank me or my DH or the in-laws. We hadn't funded it or arranged it so there was nothing in particular to thank us for. Like everyone else there we were guests.

I love DD and future SIL. It doesn't need announcing in a speech that we are special to one another.

My MIL also does the whole 'keeping things fair' accountancy. Except the logic only seems to flow one way and often only comes out ages after the event.
So 4 year old from family A and 3year old from family B get the same lots of presents even though miles apart.
2year old from A gets a weird chewed book same as 1year old from B

We're by our tree trying to figure why Granny hates our 2 year old. That was bizarre trying to approach that one.
Later on the logic evolves, depending on if Granny is there for Xmas day - big heap of presents or boxing day token gift but the grandchildren get to see each other's gifts and discuss them because we overlap.

I,'ve known my MIL for 30 years and I'd say i'm resigned to a complete lack of respect towards her which annoys my optimistic ' maybe it's got better' nature.

Sounds like you’re feeling hypersensitive and I wonder whether that’s tied up with feelings about the wedding generally and the idea of your son having a new family, which is not always easy. Also sounds as if they are maybe a bit richer than you and that’s making you feel inadequate.

I think you were expecting the speech to be something it wasn’t- you wanted an emotional “thanks for making me the man I am today” but he was doing practical thanks for throwing the party. I think it would have been really odd if he’s added “thanks to my mum and dad for the transfer of £75”.

Marrying up.

Do all manners go out the window when one marries up?

In regards to the present you should have bought them some special engagement gifts AND money in with the card, plus £75 was far too low. I spend more than that plus gifts and food etc on my adult son for his birthday and I’m on a low income, but you save up for special occasions.

And I’m not sure what he was supposed to say thank you for if he said thank you to everyone for coming etc that includes you. You didn’t pay towards the engagement party, you should have, and you didn’t help you were just a guest so you were treated as such.

Try not to be this sort of MIL in the future, it will cause rifts.

There seems to be a bit of a pattern at the moment, of dramas over wedding and engagement speeches and parties and lack of appreciation of one side of the family or another. I swear I've seen four threads like this in the last week or so.

He thanked you at the time for the gift, which was small but possibly all you could afford, so that's fine. He thanked 'everyone' generally in his speech for their gifts and that includes you.

Her parents paid for and arranged the party, which you say was a champagne-filled lavish affair, so of course he should thank them specifically. You are being over-sensitive.

Not known til after the comment made by poster...

It’s not the etiquette at an engagement party at all. These aren’t as formal as weddings, with traditional speeches.

I can totally understand why you feel hurt. You offered to help with the party and they declined. It isn't like you didn't want to get involved.

In this situation, I would have simply thanked my mum for welcoming my partner into the family, or something simple like that. It would have been easy for him to have acknowledged you. I just think it is basic kindness and good manners to thank both sets of parents.

I am sure he just didn't think, but I do agree that it's insensitive.

You didn't pay for anything or organise anything though? £75 isn't exactly pushing the boat out present-wise either. What did you want thanks for? Giving birth to him?

@Livelovebehappy 😂 Your original comment came way after all messages from the OP. Nice try though!

OP has said it was very fancy and was an events organiser so I doubt it was a knees up in the pub. Although from her posts I suspect that was more what OP expected. A few balloons, some sausage rolls, crisps and sandwiches in tbe pub type affair.

OP has said that they are on a par with the bride's parents wealth wise. She gave her two other children £75 as a wedding contribution and has said she had to give her son the same amount of money.

I really don't understand what it is you want to be thanked for? You said his speech thanked the in laws for planning and paying for the party and he thanked his future wife for agreeing to marry him. What are you expecting to be thanked for? "and thanks to my mum for asking if she can help throw some confetti around". Don't be so ridiculous. This is their day stop trying to make it all about you.

I don’t really understand what he could have thanked you for. Offering to help? His fiancée’s parents paid for and organised the party and it was polite to thank them specifically for that. It’s no reflection on you at all. It really isn’t. I think you are being a bit sensitive.

I helped my friend organise her hen night, drove her to dress fittings and helped her with choosing flowers and a few other miscellaneous bits and pieces. I wasn’t one of her bridesmaids, which was fine. But I didn’t get so much as a mention in the long list of people who were thanked, some of whom just turned up at the appointed time and looked suitably pretty, then buggered off out of her life again. Oh and I didn’t offer any of this help. I had plenty of other shit going on in my life. She asked for the help and I happily obliged. But I was hurt that my help meant so little to her. I think I was reasonable to feel this way. But I don’t think you are. Sorry.

Looking at it from the other side, if you'd paid for the party and the in laws hadn't would you be surprised if they were randomly thanked in the speeches?

It's understandable if you feel caught off guard because your son hadn't told you it was going to be an extravagant event and you were expecting something more low key. Also ok to feel a bit hurt that you weren't asked to help with the planning if that's something you would have enjoyed doing.

FWIW, most of the engagement parties I've been to have been something the bride to be really wanted to do and the man just went along with. If I was attending a fancy affair, I'd assume it was the work of the bride and her family and wouldn't expect the groom's parents to have necessarily had much involvement, because they probably weren't asked!

Reading this it sounds as though OPs nose is out of joint as her son is marrying someone who’s family have a different lifestyle and culture - lots of references to things being “fancy” and not the kind of party OP was thinking of.

Basically OP is put out that her son has chosen this lifestyle and views it as a rejection of her and viewing her lifestyle as inferior.

The wanting thanks is a red herring. She just feels inferior to the in laws and wants her son to reassure her she isn’t.

Exactly.

All this yes of course one just thanks the parents who paid whilst leaving the ones who weren't involved sat feeling like scrooges is just awful. What a public way to shame parents. Why would anyone do this?!

Parents tell your dc to thank both sets of parents when making a speech at weddings or engagements. Even if 'marrying up' good social etiquette does still apply.

“Thanks mum & dad for saying you’ll transfer £75 into my account tomorrow. And thanks mum for offering to blow up balloons and throw some confetti around.” Give over OP

And don’t tell them who to invite FFS, especially as you’re not paying for it.

You’ve come on here asking if you’re BU but then have a comeback for everything. And FWIW the comebacks make the situation and yourself sound even worse.

I’d actually have been pissed off if I was the DIL and your DS had thanked you because I’d be thinking “Thanks for what? She’s not done anything!”