Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

OP, you're inviting a world of pain for yourself unless you try to be more flexible. Expecting a thanks for a party you didn't throw is unreasonable. Prompting your son around the guest list for a party you're not paying for is unreasonable. Giving the exact amount of money you gave to his siblings years ago while knowing about inflation is unreasonable.

If you carry on like this you will really find yourself marginalised and damage your relationship with your DS and DIL. I'd suggest that you take them and the IL parents out for a nice meal and perhaps make the offer to pay for part of the wedding (although if you're that "traditional" you might agree with the outdated concept of bride's parents funding the wedding)

Let this go and don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

This is awful op. You offered your help with the party, it was declined. Your ds then thanks his inlaw for help with the the party .

He could've mentioned you at some point, 'thanks to my lovely family for all their support' or similar. What is wrong with these sons, we hear it all the time anything wedding related.

Good luck with the wedding. I bet there'll be more of the above.

Good lawd, you need to get some perspective. Unfortunately mother's of sons do get a little bit over looked but that's just the way it is. (I'm a mother of 2 sons).

My MIL was invited to get involved in my wedding planning (which my parents completely paid for), she refused. She said she would contribute towards the evening booze. She decided that day that she wasn't going to do that. She then handed my mother a plate of fish balls (who knows!?) for the evening reception, which had been catered for.

Her son (my new husband) did his speech and thanked my parents for the wonderful day etc and thanked his mother for being his mother.

Off she went in a strop because he hadn't thanked her enough and it took him and his best man nearly 2 hours to convince her to come back to the reception.

The first of MANY occasions she ruined because she wasn't centred. Don't be like my MIL.

Why one earth would you get thanked for something you didn't do?

Do you always try to make everything about you?

It was neither your party (so not about you) or your hard work being acknowledged, you are simply a guest.

I wasn't thanked recently, just bundled in with everyone else and it stung quite a lot.
I should have been and it rather took the shine off the event for me. But the event wasn't about me, I was there as a guest. I think my biggest problem is more long term, on a day to day basis I'm not thanked, on a birthday or say Valentine I'm not appreciated. So when it got to this big event and I still wasn't thanked, my ego really took a battering.
Ultimately I haven't over the years made it clear how much I need to hear a few words and the person involved just doesn't feel that words should be spoken.

Given the £75 given to keep things fair, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume OP didn't pay towards her other children's engagement parties (assuming they even had any!) and so wouldn't be contributing to this son's engagement party.
The in-laws then arranged and paid for this party and it makes OP (and husband?) feel like it makes them look bad. Try not to take things this way OP x

They didn't 'help' with it! They planned and paid for the whole thing. Hired professional planners. It wasn't a knees up in the Dog and Partridge!

No we understand you. We just all think that you are wrong, your son did nothing wrong.

Agree completely.

That was all that was necessary.
If I were his in laws I would notice this as being very thoughtless.

When I got married, we paid for our wedding completely.
We both had highly paid jobs and it simply never arose.

My husband in his speech thanked my parents for the lovely reception.
My mother had made the wedding cake.

It was done out of respect for them.

What exactly did you need to be thanked for in the speech?

He was thanking them for throwing the party which everyone got to experience.

Stop making this about you and move on

You have a very odd idea of fairness. How is giving your youngest child the same amount as their siblings ‘fair’ when you say yourself that it bought ‘a lot more’ years ago when their siblings got engaged/married? Do you think your youngest is personally responsible for inflation so should have to suffer the consequences?!

I have never come across this skewed notion of fairness anywhere other than on mn. It’s almost an obsession - all children must be treated ‘fairly’, with no thought to their varying needs or differing financial situations over the years. I have no idea what my siblings have had, I don’t care. We have been treated equitably, which certainly isn’t the same thing as the daft notion of fairness I see on here.

it may be a cultural thing (I’m not British) but I also think £75 seems a really odd amount to give as a present.

Oh dear, you sound exactly like my mother and very very hard work. Just don't be that person. Egocentric lunancy.

But you hadn’t done anything to be thanked for?

It’s sad that you felt the need to bring this up with him at what should be a joyous time for you all.

On a side note- this thread is so going to end up in the papers/facebook!

The op offered to be involved. It was declined. To then make a speech thanking inlaws when actual parents have offered would seem insensitive to say the least.

How do you know it wasn't a knees up the Dog and Partridge, were you there? So what if it was anyway.

This is the 4th thread I’ve read this week about a mother who is disappointed in their son’s wedding or wedding plans, all of them on the same theme of not being thanked / mentioned.

She gave her financial circumstances willingly.
She stated that she gave her other child £75 at their wedding many years ago when it bought much more by her own admission, and she could to give much more now but wanted to keep it “fair”.

It is etiquette to thanks both parents for support, not just the ones who have paid for the do. If we need to spell these things out it is no wonder we see so much of this stuff on mn.

I guess you felt marginalized because you were not included in the planning and by implication not thanked. I guess you do have one of those sons who let the wife manage things and for her clearly you are secondary. Is it nice - no, but in England this is sort of the norm. If men cared about weddings, then maybe you would have been more involved. I guess he let her and her family sort it out.

Yes, that is probably a sign of things to come. But as a result - dont complain and just be nice. If you aren't, the you will be the annoying in laws.

In other cultures, it's the girls parents who get marginalized. That's life.

'How do we know'... Because OP keeps saying how fancy and different it was.

OP didn't do anything, thanking someone publicly for offering to blow up balloons at the last minute which they didn't actually blow up would be utterly batshit and far more embarrassing.

I can't help but wonder if it's the same poster with a name change.

I'm sorry you are feeling stung, OP, but your son did nothing wrong. He paid tribute to his fiancée and he thanked her parents specifically in their capacity as the hosts of the party. What would he have been thanking you for? You didn't do anything for the party. You were a guest.

The flowers for DS's recent wedding were beautiful but cost several thousand pounds. £120 wouldn't even buy one bridesmaid's bouquet, let alone the wedding venue, reception venue, bouquets, flowers as gifts, buttonholes, etc. MIL should go and speak to some florists.

She offered to scatter some confetti, which wasn’t needed.

”Future in-laws thanks for throwing us a party to celebrate the engagement and DM thanks for sprinkling the confetti” like what’s the point? She was thanked for attending, he thanked her for her gift, anything else seems unnecessary at an engagement party.

I think that would be The Right Thing To Do, in terms of being nice to everyone on a happy night. But I don't think the son needs to feel bad for not doing it (unlike at the wedding which would be a very different thing).

I think many of us sense that OP is setting herself up for decades of comparisons and tally keeping, that will ultimately just result in her son and DIL keeping her at arms length.

He could've done a lovely thing and didn't. But he didn't do anything wrong or mean or intentionally hurtful either.