Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

I don't really understand what you're upset about. He thanked them for the party. You didn't throw a party. It's not like they were dishing out general appreciation and you were snubbed. And no offence, but £75 isn't a noteworthy gift, though I am sure all was appreciated.

You didn't even send it all the day of the party sending £75 the day after via wire transfer he's gonna seem like an afterthought a problem but in no way should you expect any things for something like that?

We are still planning on helping to contribute to the wedding financially, but will have to match our donation to our other children’s

So you are going to do it again? Give the same money as you did many years ago with figuring in inflation?

ah I see the problem is not the 75 as the money was not even transferred before the party

honestly OP it seems like your ego was bruised because the party was too fancy for you - did you feel out of place because of that?

he thanked everyone for the presence, of course he had to mention the inlaws paying, why would they mention you especifically?

seems like you are already jealous of the other setbof parents tbh

Well, she says she could have afforded more, but gave £75 because that’s what she’d given her other child who got married, despite it being a long time ago. Which sounds weirdly rigid to me.

It does sound to me from things the OP has said as if she had far more modest ideas about what an engagement party would be like than the reality of what her son’s fiancée’s parents laid on. It’s possible she was a bit taken aback, and feels a bit on the back foot. As if she’d shown up to a dinner party carrying a bottle of Blue Nun and a homemade apple tart in pyrex, only to discover a team of caterers, hired waiters, and everyone in couture evening wear.

He thanked the in-laws for hosting the party, as he should have done.

What, specifically, did you want thanks for?

A bottle of blue nun and a home made apple tart would probably land better than an empty card that she had to go tell her son that she had left because she thought the £75 might be swiped. She didn’t even transfer the money on the day of the party but the next day and then rings him to see if he opened his empty card? Madness.

So you haven't heard of inflation? I would say 75 is pretty miniscule in current economic climate. Should have been more like 100-150. No matter how old fashioned you are common sense is lacking here. If he thanked them for organising the party only, then there was nothing to thank you for. If he thanked them for coming or supporting them or any other reason not including the party maybe I would feel offended.

Sorry, but you are being slightly unreasonable here.

You're gonna be a nightmare at the wedding. It's not about you!

So when he did the speech, you hadn't actually given them anything except an empty card?

Her parents paid for the whole party, of course they were going to get special mention. and he did thank you, along with everyone else that came.

You shouldn't have said anything to him IMO. I'd just try invite them to a special celebration meal or something, if you want to be actively involved in their wedding and a big part of their lives afterwards, you need to chill.

Think we will have the dil on here next year complaining about her mil and the wedding.

If he has let me help then he could have thanked me for the help at least- I don’t know what else I could have done!

So you wanted to be thanked for… what? Your mere existence? Just because her parents were getting thanked! They threw the bloody party!

He didn’t need to mention our gift but to not mention us at all was humiliating.

You have not been “humiliated” at all. You’ve just tried to turn something that was about your son and his fiancée into YOUR drama.

He thanked them for organising and paying for the party. They were the hosts and he thanked them as hosts. He thanked everyone for coming as guests. You were a guest. He thanked people appropriately. You are being unreasonable.

Yes! I actually think it would have been weirder to start thanking his parents for everything they had done for him when that wasn't the purpose of the thanks in the first place. It was to say thanks for doing the party, which OP didn't do anything for. Then he'd have to thank her parents for everything they've done and suddenly it's no longer a quick thanks speech but some sort of wedding speech.

I didn't mention your gift previously, as £75 is obviously a lot to many, but you say you are financially comfortable now, and similar financial circumstances to in - laws. Your reasons for £75 are bizarre. Also the fuss around it. You are sounding very tight, controlling, and rigid in your attitudes. Could you use the comments on here to prompt you to examine your attitudes? Do you get on well with your children and other in - laws? Or have your behaviours negatively affected those relationships in any ways ? How big is the time gap between your oldest and youngest child's engagements? Are you quite elderly?

Absolutely this!

I think not putting money in the card because is wasn't "safe" implied you thought the party was full of undesirables who would steal their friend's cards...
Comments about who "should" be invited would have also landed badly - it was their party and they could invite whoever they wanted.

The best thing to do is thank them for a lovely party and say you hope they enjoyed themselves. Then be interested in wedding plans and be excited for them. You've said yourself that your DIL is lovely. Is she an only child? This is your 3rd child's wedding, it maybe feels a bit sad, but you aren't the most important person in this.
Don't be like my own MIL who cried that she didn't get to organise my and now DH's wedding and wore black...

@Whoisunreasonable I voted you are being unreasonable but I also see why you felt humiliated.

You’ve raised him since birth into the man he is today and I understand an acknowledgement in the speech would have meant the world to you.

He was thanking his in-laws for the party and that’s all, don’t dwell on it and definitely don’t ruin your relationship with him over it xx

I think they should have let you help with some aspect of the party and then thanked you for it. I think it’s so extravagant to have these huge engagement parties when they’re going to have a party when they get married anyway. Weddings and everything that go with them inevitably cause upset to someone. I don’t think they’re worth it!

You’ve raised him since birth into the man he is today and I understand an acknowledgement in the speech would have meant the world to you.

But it wasn’t the time to acknowledge his parents and their role in his life. It’s like saying if someone thanks their grandparents for a gift they should have to add, “And of course, thanks to Mom and Dad too - because there can be no grandparents without parents, so this gift is really just as much from you”.

If this were my son and the bride to be's parents were planning an engagement party I would have contacted them and discussed a financial contribution of some sort from our side. I'd have offered to pay for the champagne or wine or half the catering bill. I wonder if that would have got you the acknowledgment you were hoping for. As you've said that there isn't a wealth difference between the families I think that would have been the way to do things.

I have to say that £75 does sound a bit low for your son's engagement gift when such a fancy party has been arranged.

AIBU to think my MIL-to-be is a bit mad? She wants to pay for our wedding flowers, which is lovely of her, but insists that they have to cost at most £120, because that’s what she spent on her other child’s wedding, and it ‘wouldn’t be fair’.

OP you se very rigid on your thinking about how things ‘should’ be done without any flexibility or understanding that others don’t do things the exact same way.

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP. I have never been to an engagement party where the speech wasn't something along the lines of thanks to both sets of parents for what they do for us , which would then be followed up with and thanks to x and y for this lovely party.