Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

If they've had a fancy engagement party then what will the wedding be like?

I wouldn't get excited at not being thanked at a party I'd not paid for. Let them enjoy their shiny things.

But the fiancée’s parents weren’t thanked “for everything they did”. Why would they thank OP’s side and not them?

And since when is it good manners to thank your parents for everything at a party? Does the OP’s son need to thank his mother at his birthday parties? Christmas parties?

Transferring £75 and then expecting a public thanks
…

Also, ‘reminding’ him about who he should invite.

Remember this is their wedding and it’s about them not you.

A bank transfer and an empty card when you have the resources for significantly more is the sort of thing you do for someone you're not really that into but feel socially obliged to give something. It feels really cold and impersonal.

If money isn’t an issue, I don’t know how you can give them just £75. I would be so embarrassed with the in-laws paying for everything and then just giving Such a low amount as a gift. As for other children and making it fair. Totally get that but you can even things up in other ways.

I give £200 to family and £100 to friends. None of my children are married but if they did, I couldn’t let the other family pay for everything. Not if I had the means to help.

He thanked guests for coming, which included you, and then thanked the party hosts.

What else do you think you need thanked for?

If he thanked you for the gift he would need to thank everyone else too.

If I were you I would also be thanking the ILs!

Is this a reverse??
also, we have 5 children in our family and parents try to be fair but if there is a big age age - fair includes taking into account inflation.

OP you are really trying to prove your point and keep explaining yourself while most of the posters agree you were unreasonable and simply wrong to expect to be mentioned. If so many people say it it could mean its time to reflect back and maybe you are indeed overreacting…

Look I know this is going to get slammed but if you want my honest advice, stop trying to be involved in this sort of stuff via your DS, befriend your DIL, get your feet under the table there and you’ll get far more involvement.

MIL: is there anything I can do? I’d really like to help with your wedding
DH: Honestly I think honestbadger has it all in hand but thanks anyway.

MIL: you have so much on your plate and are doing a wonderful job but I would really love to be involved is there anything I can do to support you?
Me: I’m actually drowning, the florist is needing loads of organising and I’ve not even thought about any favours. Or booked a band for the evening. Do you want to sort those?

I literally never heard our evening bad until they started playing our first dance, didn’t know what the favours were till I sat down to eat. MIL was spectacular but would never have been involved if left to DH. Weddings are weird, no one wants to obligate anyone or step on anyone’s toes!

Come on. This is a really unfair comment. £75 is a lot of money to some. How do we even know the financial circumstances of the OP?

I think that you should discuss sooner, rather than later, what the expectations are for funding the wedding. When my daughter got married, we paid for most of it and I received the same bunch of flowers that her MiL received. We were acknowledged, it was a lovely day and, in the interests of harmony, it’s one of those things you let go.

You are definitely straying into the foothills of MiL disharmony if you start like this.

I have lots of opinion about all of this. In summary it was NOT the wedding speech and he actually thanked people appropriately. I'm not quite sure he had anything to specifically thank you for. The gift would not have been appropriate to mention, and you didn't help practically. It was important he recognised the bride's family's contribution as well as everyone for coming. It would have been nice to say something like 'all our parents, bride & I can't wait to celebrate with you all next year' - that would have been it I think.

With respect, you should be re-thinking keeping the values the same between the wedding gifts.

If inflation has devalued the value, the fair thing is to match the values with inflation.
Eg my parents very generously gifted money towards house deposit to my older sister & myself. It was 10 years between the two so house prices and inflation meant the same monetary value was significantly different (Think the average house price was £200k when she bought, they gave £20k, 10%, now its £300k so 10% is £30k). They inflated their gift to match so the level of generosity was the same in real terms. Otherwise what we could have got with the money would have been very different and I was 'losing out'. You should do the same, if you can - which you can.

God people are tedious and petty.

He could have easily said, and thanks to mum and dad for your love, support, being here... etc.

I do think men don't think as emotionally as women. You raised him though. You must know what he's like, but also how much he loves you?

Do let it go. Move on as it may otherwise taint the many celebrations to come. It can be really tough being a MIL and I feel for you but there are going to be many, many more tricky situations to navigate in the future and comparatively, this is minor.

You will need to build a resilience and remind yourself how much he loves you particularly as you may at times play second fiddle to your in-laws. It does not mean he loves you less. It is simply the way the world works.

“and thanks mum and dad for the 75 quid”

…
less embarassing now?

You didn't contribute financially or by helping to organise the party, I think he did the right thing. By thanking them for the party then thanking you for being his parents, effectively, it would be glaringly obvious you were being added in simply so you weren't left out, I'd think.

Op what was the exact words your son used? Was it a gushing ode to pil thanking them for the party and support etc or just thanks for the party kind of thing? If he did an emotional paragraph about his pil then yeah you can be annoyed but if not then pull yourself together and stop being self obsessed. It's not about you. The wedding speech is when he thanks you for supporting him in life etc, not an engagement party

Having read your updates, I'm still at a loss as to what you think you should have been thanked for.

It was a party. He thanked the hosts for throwing the party, and he thanked the guests (including you) for coming. He showed perfect manners.

I don't understand what you're expecting, but none of this bodes well for family harmony in the run up to the wedding.

We do know actually… they are on a financial par with the parents in law as mentioned.

^ This is what I was thinking!

Champagne, 'getting emotional', 'thanking her family for paying and planning for the whole party', etc. It sounds all a bit much!

I would stay clear of any and all wedding planning if I were you, let them do what they want to do. You don't need to do or say anything!

No matter if you are in the right or wrong with your feelings on this one you need to let it go. The only and inevitable conclusion is that your son gets closer and closer to his new family as a way of avoiding your needy demands.

Life is short. Focus on the things that make you happy and don't dwell on those that do the opposite.

It sounds like you wanted him to say, ‘Thanks to my ILs for taking care of my engagement party which has been absolutely amazing. Thank you to my parents for showing up.’ That’s even more embarrassing imo

Op

Surely you didn't expect him to give you that same thanks as the people who paid for the engagement party. Most people there would have been aware of the fact that the brides parents were paying for the party , of course they deserved special mention. It would have looked odd if he didn't. He could have mentioned you in passing but this was just an engagement party not the wedding speech where they do wider thanks.
You're coming off as a bit mental here .

Sorry I've missed the bit about you contributing their wedding so I'll delete this. I'd adjust for inflation though if there's a big gap, inflation has been so high recently.

I just don't get this obsession with being totally rigid on gifting between siblings to presumably avoid showing favouritism. My in laws are the same and do it with our DC so if one has a £45 gift and the other wants something for £42, they'll hand over the extra £3. It's really weird and makes the whole gifting experience far more transactional and less personal but they won't hear otherwise. So you gave one son £75 as that was what you could afford but now years later you can afford more, you're still giving £75? Well that seems tight & unfair and I'd imagine your DS was thing the same. And the begging for recognition for your modest cash gift and card is painful. I'm sorry you've not been more involved and feel side-lined, but OP you need to chill out!