Not thanked at engagement party

[Whoisunreasonable]

To cut a long story short it was my son’s engagement party recently. Marrying a lovely girl. After they booked the party we were sent details and times, not given anymore info. We turned up and party was very extravagant and fancy. Turned out the brides family paid for the whole thing. We gifted them £75 as an engagement present.

Son made a small speech and cheers with champagne thanking everyone for coming and for presents and then thanked brides parents for all of the efforts they’d put into planning the party and for paying for it. No thanks to any of his side of the family at all. I raised this with him and he didn’t see my problem at all. He told me it wasn’t a wedding speech where he was thanking everyone individually, just a few words and it would be rude not to thank them. AIBU to think he should have thanked us too? It was very embarrassing not to even be mentioned. I asked if he needed me to do anything for the party and was told no as they had vendors doing it.

So are you pissed off that her parents seemed to have input & you not?

If that's the case-whose "fault" is it?

OP imagine the shoe on the other foot...

Your DS is having an engagement party, and you're paying for it (and if it's as fancy as you suggest, you're looking at thousands and thousands of pounds) and planning it. You find out your new DILs family are not contributing, but somehow also want a say over the guest list (?!) and are badgering DIL about what to get as a gift (literally everyone I know just puts cash in an envelope and doesn't get drawn into questions and talking about it beforehand? You just do it! No need to be asking about it!!) ~ they offer to help decorate but it's not needed as there are vendors (that you have paid for and organised)

All DILs parents are doing is showing up on the day. And THEN they get mentioned in the speech in the same capacity as you, although they've done absolutely nothing to contribute. But because they've done nothing, what is said has to be about them being great parents etc - when EXACTLY the same is true of you, the speech just didn't cover that because it covered your material contribution (as it should). Wouldn't you also be fuming in that scenario?

I'm intrigued as to what the things at the party you never knew existed were.

@TheDisgustingBrothers Just everything in life. They did offer to help and I'm sure they have supported him in life.

It's just a gesture. And it's good manners.

Me too. Maybe things like a photo booth with props, individualised favours for guests, live artist, flower/balloon wall, foreign food 😅

Though you’d have to have no social media or television to not realise these exist. (Saying this as someone who doesn’t own or watch TV 😂)

What actual words of thanks would you expect? You sound very jealous that your sons in-laws could pay for a "fancy" party with things you've "never even heard of" (be intrigued to know what they were btw). You sound like you felt out of your comfort zone and seem to think the whole thing was done to deliberately make you uncomfortable. I think you need to really consider if it's the lack of thanks or the fact you clearly felt socially out of your depth.

What is it with all these adults who presumably have already shacked up with, and often have children with their oh expected mummy and daddy to pay for their engagement parties/baby showers/weddings?
Grabby and rude.
Yes the ops son was rude. He should have thanked his parents too.

Reading between the lines, it seems perhaps you were embarrassed at not being mentioned in his speech because you'd not paid towards the party, and that was effectively announced to a room full of people? There was nothing to thank you for, and doubt anyone in yhe room has thought twice about it.

Let it go and don't let it spoil the lead up to the actual wedding.

He couldn’t mention everyone who gave a gift could he? And what else could he thank you for? It was just an engagement party, I’m sure you’ll get a mention at the wedding. Let it go.

OP I don’t think any harm was meant. It sounds like brides family paid for the party so he was rightly thanking them and also expressing how excited he was to marry DIL. I think you should be proud you raised such a nice man who acknowledges other people. He will likely say something nice about you in his wedding speech but please don’t let this ruin your/their day.

You attended the engagement party more as a guest than an organiser so I don’t think he was wrong to say a thank you to brides parents. It isn’t a competition.

I get why you feel a bit left out OP but you need to let it go, your son hasn’t done anything wrong. Instead of being upset at the perceived slight, why not think about how lovely it was that her parents threw them a party and that he made a point of thanking him.

on the gift - I get the desire to be fair, but if £75 was worth more when you gave it to your eldest child for an engagement present, then I agree with other posters and don’t actually think you’re being ‘fair’ to your youngest by sticking to £75. If you want to be ‘fair’ why not work out equivalent value taking into account inflation? It’s done now, but I’d really think about that when you’re making a contribution to the wedding.

Who were you having to remind him to invite to the party? I wouldn’t have been particularly thrilled if my parents had told me who to invite to my engagement party to be honest. I’d find it a bit over bearing. Think about how you come across in the wedding plans, you might be traditional, but they might be very different. Ask what they have planned, not if they’re doing x, y or z like you would do etc.

It was an engagement party OP. A party. One which very few people throw these days, and one which appears to have been hosted (and perhaps conceived?) entirely by your son's soon to be ILs. It makes sense that your son made a speech about his fiancé (the reason for the celebration) and the ILs for throwing the celebration.

Also, don't go "reminding" your son and his fiancé who to invite, especially to an event you are not hosting or paying for. Very rude. Also people you may see and care about may be virtual strangers to your DS, and you never know the equivalent on your DIL's side.

Ok that would sound like this..

Thanks to my bride to be for agreeing to marry me.
Thank you to my in laws for throwing us this wonderful party.
Thanks to my parents for bringing me up and for the empty card over there on the table, thanks in advance aswell for the bank transfer of £75 that my Mum says she will do tomorrow and also thanks Mum for giving us kids all the same amount even though £75 is now worth £20 after all these years. Thanks Mum for all your interference and suggestions about the party that you didn’t pay for. Last but not least, thanks in advance Mam for the call I will get tomorrow asking me if I did indeed open the empty card that you had already told me was empty and yes that £75 had reached my account. Thank you so very much for everything!

How would the thread read -

We paid for our DD engagement party and our SIL-to-be thanked his parents for it.

Let them have this OP, and hopefully you'll get the credit you are due at the wedding.

Or maybe they weren't going to do anything official to celebrate but her parents offered to cover the cost of a party? Why can't a parent do a nice thing for their DC regardless of their age or status in life? Lots of parents gift house deposits.

His fiancée agreed to marry him and her parents paid for the party, so it seems reasonable to thank them for the party. Why would he thank you for hosting or funding the party when you didn't?

If he thanked both set of parents for their contributions, it would go 'thanks to my in-laws, Ken and Deirdre, for arranging this lovely engagement party' and 'thanks to Mum and Dan for the card'. Surely that's worse than not being thanked at all?

OP whisky i agree YABU i also see where you are coming from. It would have been lively for him to have acknowledged you in some way as he was making a speech. However pls consider

1. No one else will have noticed or care - its only your feelings here.
2. Feelings are not facts. This does not chnage the fact your son loves you.
3. move on and dont let this become a bigger thing.

They had a lot of stuff at the party I’ve never even seen or knew existed!

Intriguing.

OP what exactly were you expecting to be thanked for?

Elephant rides? Fireworks spelling out the couples’ names? A flash mob?

We gave £75 as that is what we gave our eldest when they got married. There is quite a big age gap so this was more than a few years ago where £75 got you a lot more and it was all we could afford. We are in a much better financial position now but we want to be fair to all of our children. We gave the next one £75 and son is the final one getting married so we gave the same so nobody felt it was unfair. We are still planning on helping to contribute to the wedding financially, but will have to match our donation to our other children’s.

One of my nieces got married in 2014 and I gave her £350. Another got married last year and I gave her £500 (rounded up to nearest £50). "Fair" is keeping up with the value of money.

If you have valid reasons, those could be inflation, or you are financially more able now, gifts do not "have to match".

If they paid for the party of course he would thank them! And if you gave your eldest £75 years ago you really should have increased the amount thus time to take account of inflation. Its odd to be so specific about the amounts. If you put into the wedding you shouldn't do the exact same amounts as previously, things cost more now!