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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely disgusted at my date?

145 replies

lullabellee · 08/11/2024 00:08

He drove and when we got back to mine and parked up we had a kiss. I had a top on with a zip down the middle and he went to pull it down and I said no, this happened twice. I then got out the car and he quickly apologised that “he gets a bit carried away”.

Surely my first no should have been enough?

OP posts:
LurkingFromTheShadows · 08/11/2024 06:06

No more dates for him. Id hate to think what he's capable of if he's already trying that at dating stage

lasagnelle · 08/11/2024 06:09

I'm worried you feel you have to ask

DieStrassensindimmernass · 08/11/2024 06:18

I wouldn't get in a person's car or let them know even remotely where I live on a first date. Some folk do have different boundaries and different levels of risk though, such as going back to hotel rooms too 'hook up' or going to a stranger's house for a first date. Regardless of where you are though, no should mean no, and he's a creep/letch/dodgy for not respecting that. I'd be blocking him OP. A clear red flag very early on.

midlifeattheoasis · 08/11/2024 07:04

Forgive me if I've misread or missed something, but does it state it was their first date?

veggie50 · 08/11/2024 07:05

He shouldn't have tried twice and I would be pretty annoyed. That said, they did kiss (which could be anything from a pack on the lip to something a lot more) and OP didn't say it's a first date so I'm guessing they have had more than one date.
OP, in the light of day and you're sober: Was it as bad as you remembered it or did he have reason to get carried away? Drop or keep, up to you!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 08/11/2024 07:19

Once is cheeky enough but twice is not on. Says a lot about him.

Wokkadema · 08/11/2024 07:24

midlifeattheoasis · 08/11/2024 07:04

Forgive me if I've misread or missed something, but does it state it was their first date?

Yeah I couldn't find that either...

BusterGonad · 08/11/2024 07:24

BusterGonad · 08/11/2024 05:00

Not victim shaming at all. Common sense due to some men being predictory. I wouldn't want my sister, daughter, friend going on a 1st date with a man she doesn't know, picked up/dropped off in his car. It is a really venerable position to be in. No one is blaming the Op.

Predatory!!!

BusterGonad · 08/11/2024 07:26

midlifeattheoasis · 08/11/2024 07:04

Forgive me if I've misread or missed something, but does it state it was their first date?

You are right. I must've presumed due to someone else presuming.

vincettenoir · 08/11/2024 07:27

What a wrongun!

Wokkadema · 08/11/2024 07:27

Mlanket · 08/11/2024 05:25

That you even have to ask this question makes me wonder. If my DH did this I would be appalled. My body is mine and nobody starts to touch me or undo my clothes without getting clear signals that I'm on board so to speak.

Im confused by the above? Would you be appalled that whilst kissing your husband he touched you at the same time? I don’t think I’ve ever kissed someone without also touching them in some way.

OP, don’t go on a second date.

Um what? There's a difference between expecting her husband to kiss her without touching her, and expecting him to gain consent before undressing her.
I realise with a long relationship that can be a lot of non-verbal signals rather than 'may I?' 'Please do!'
But if anyone (first date, 40th wedding anniversary) communicates that something is not ok - then yes, it is appalling for their partner to continue doing that thing.

coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 07:28

staceyflack · 08/11/2024 00:19

First date?
If so... you are being completely unreasonable to be in his car.

Agreed - not sure why you're getting so much criticism for this!

It's common sense 101. Don't get in a car with a stranger you hardly know, and certainly don't show them where you live!

CucumberBagel · 08/11/2024 07:42

Nowhere did OP say it was a first date. What's wrong with you?

Rainbow321 · 08/11/2024 07:46

Was he 16 ? I'd block and move on .

Mlanket · 08/11/2024 07:53

Don't get in a car with a stranger you hardly know, and certainly don't show them where you live!

Tbf the OP might know her date already

Mlanket · 08/11/2024 07:55

@Wokkadema I just asked for clarification on what that poster meant. Of course I would expect a husband to understand no means no but presumably one wouldn’t be married to a man who didn’t understand this…

Mlanket · 08/11/2024 07:57

*My body is mine and nobody starts to touch me or undo my clothes without getting clear signals that I'm on board so to speak

This is the part I questioned. In a marriage or relationship I wouldn’t ask or expect to be asked whilst kissing if I can/should be touched.

LuluBlakey1 · 08/11/2024 07:58

lullabellee · 08/11/2024 00:08

He drove and when we got back to mine and parked up we had a kiss. I had a top on with a zip down the middle and he went to pull it down and I said no, this happened twice. I then got out the car and he quickly apologised that “he gets a bit carried away”.

Surely my first no should have been enough?

Does not respect your boundaries.

Simplelobsterhat · 08/11/2024 07:59

I missed where OP said it was a first date. If people are assuming that based on her not wanting him to undo her top that's worrying...

Of course the first no should be enough OP. And you are not safe with someone who uses 'I get carried away' as an excuse. Ick.

Even if it was a first date I'm not sure why people are telling you off for the car thing. Because really how could you know it would be any safer on a 2nd, 3rd or even 10th date. Unfortunately until you have actually been alone with a man you can never really know if you can trust him unfortunately. So you can't live your life like that. Unless these people are saying they only get into a car with people they know they are happy to have sex, with which is opening a whole series of troubling issues!

AdoraBell · 08/11/2024 08:01

YANBU.

DieStrassensindimmernass · 08/11/2024 08:10

Mlanket · 08/11/2024 07:57

*My body is mine and nobody starts to touch me or undo my clothes without getting clear signals that I'm on board so to speak

This is the part I questioned. In a marriage or relationship I wouldn’t ask or expect to be asked whilst kissing if I can/should be touched.

Your partner never asks if you're ok during intimate times?

Startingagainandagain · 08/11/2024 08:28

Don't see that man again.

Not clear if it was your first date, but I would really advise not getting into a car with a man you just met. That's a complete stranger and especially if you are online dating the amount of weirdos on there is depressingly huge.

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 08:31

Yanbu no should mean no. Unfortunately as women we need to protect ourselves and not put ourselves in these situations. Yes we shouldn't have to but we do

ViciousCurrentBun · 08/11/2024 08:41

He is a sex pest

But overall be very wary of letting a first date know where you live getting in cars. People may call me old fashioned but I used to volunteer in two environments where I came in to contact with women who had unfortunately seen the very worst side of men.

MrsHarrisisinparis · 08/11/2024 08:42

Block him and report him on the app you found him on. Also for future dates don't let them drive/pick you up for the first few dates for safety reasons, a decent man will understand this, if he doesn't throw him back.