to not let neighbour use my shower!

[NavyOrca]

Next door neighbour messaged me earlier. Her shower has broken and she can’t get anyone to come out and fix it until the week after next. She asked if she could ‘pop in’ to use ours every other day.

I don’t want her to! I’ve got most of next week off work and plan to be at home a lot, doing not much at all, after a crazy busy time lately. I don’t want to worry about somebody coming to have a shower!

For context - I get on with her absolutely fine. We chat now and again and have walked our dogs together a few times in the past.. wouldn’t say we are especially close though.

AIBU to say no to this request? I know that she moved to the area for work and none of her family/friends are around here. So I might be her only option and I do feel bad about this.

Ewww.

I wouldn't be comfortable with a neighbour using my shower or toilet. What an imposition.

Especially if I were using precious annual leave & trying to relax at home.

They should make arrangements with a gym or other facility. Or get a hotel room.

You do know it's not compulsory to watch?

No, it's not that.

I just don't like the notion of being disrupted on a well deserved and worked for week off work, having to tidy up and look respectable instead of blobbing around (and yep I would have to do that absolutely) make sure the shower was spotless and then clean it thoroughly each time she used it because I have literally no idea if she's a manky bugger or has diseases or not.

I also don't like the notion of the CF neighbour pushing this boundary, because if she's comfortable being so pushy over this and I gave in, she might keep pushing.

And finally, it's not even anywhere near a necessity. CF neighbour is making her slight inconvenience her neighbour's inconvenience, and that is downright unneighbourly.

These seem very basic, obvious points to me.

Yep, I do feel we're quite a selfish society. I don't know if it's always been like this here. I see a greater sense of community in other countries and cultures.

Honestly OP, have you never been in need?

I find it interesting that you’re bragging about your two volunteer roles and your time as a community responder but when it’s something that puts you out and there’s no audience to see if, your civic mindedness seems to have left the building…

I know, they can't make it sound bad enough, can they? 🤣🤣

This thread has everything, including what sounds like a draft for a cheap erotic novel!

Such an insight into other people's minds, when someone just wants a quick wash in the shower.

But, deep down, I think it IS "that". Because you wouldn't think/feel those things without a deep-down feeling that you're separate from your neighbour, and your shower is very much YOUR shower, and only YOU have a right to it. Surely? We all have some degree of that. It's just its manifestations show in specific ways on this thread.

'Be kind' seems to mean 'put other people's preferences ahead of yours'. Even in your own home!

Being neighbourly (to me) is taking in a parcel or putting out the bins for someone elderly/incapacitated. It's not making yourself feel uncomfortable for their convenience.
Fine if you don't mind but it's equally fine to mind!

Neighbours are just people you vaguely know because they live in a house on the same street as you - you don't owe them the use of your house if you feel uncomfortable about it, any more than you'd owe it to the postman or the barista in Costa who makes your latte every day!

The neighbour isn't in need.

But several people have already pointed out they can't understand or empathise with different mindsets, and apparently are dismissing these basic, simple notions - which is really strange to me, but there you go.

What if the local gym isn’t so local? My parents live a 15 minute drive from the leisure centre.
Not everyone drives, but also this adds on an extra 30 minutes at least. The neighbour is probably thinking it’s just easy to pop next door, quick shower and out… can walk back home in a towel and dress there. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess there’s lots to consider. Ops shower might be upstairs, I’d be less keen to allow a neighbour upstairs in my house. My shower is literally by front door so I wouldn’t have an issue as they’d barely be in my house .. lol

I'd say no. She's got water so she'll cope.

I also would never ask this of someone else.

Don't be so selfish! Unless she's planning really long showers what's the big deal? Just ask her to come at a convenient time for you. I had the same issue a few years back and would have been lost without my kind neighbour. YABU

This is a particularly strange comment in a thread of strange comments..

I AM separate from my neighbour, they're not me, they're not family and I know literally nothing about their hygiene in the shower or if they are diseased and want peaceful enjoyment of my well earned rest time and not to have to clean the shower before and after a basic stranger uses it.

And that's that.

I'd probably say no, but I have 2 young children, one at home full time and a DH who works partly from home. We have 2 showers but I wouldn't want her using our ensuite. Or the kids' shower as their bathroom is set up for them and toddler's potty training.

Why can't she shower at local leisure centre, eg go for a swim every other day or the gym, showering afterwards? Or strip wash and use a jug in sink to wash hair?

It's a bit rude to ask to use a neighbour's shower, unless a close friend!

I wouldn't want to have to keep cleaning it after her either!

Say you're doing work on your bathroom or have something else going on?

I think the assumptions about people in what you've written - that if you give an inch, they'll take a mile, etc. - are crucial. That's just not how I experience that vast majority of people - I suppose I'm very lucky that the vast majority of people I've met have been cooperative and respectful. But I understand I may be speaking from a very privileged position in my experiences. You may have had very different ones, and that is, of course, fine.

Neighbours are not "just people you vaguely know". They are part of your community. What is their problem today will become your problem tomorrow. That's how life works, you give and take. Actually thank you, this is a good reminder that I need to be more neighbourly myself!

My words didn't need to be interpreted, what I said was "If she's comfortable being so pushy over this and I gave in, she might keep pushing"

I didn't make the assumption, I correctly pointed out that this is a factual possibility based on reality.

maybe let her once or twice then say you're going away for a few days or have come down with a stomach bug and can't leave the loo/don't want to risk passing it on?

For everyone guilt tripping you about 'being neighbourly' I have to say I wouldn't dream of asking my 'on hello terms' neighbours this. For one shower, maybe yes but over a week's worth I think that is actually quite a big favour in terms of cost and inconvenience.

I can't believe she really can't get it fixed for over a week - the whole point of emergency plumbers is they usually charge you more to fix it asap! She's probably waiting for a friend to do it cheaper or something.

If it really couldn't be fixed I'd ask an actual friend or family member rather than a random neighbour (swapping between them), or failing that just join a gym! Unless you are in the middle of nowhere there are lots of those cheaper chains like pure gym/gym group/energise etc that are less than £20 for a month, i.e. probably less than the cost of water to you if she showers every day for a week!

edited to say I'm surprised at all the "what if there isn't a gym nearby?" ers
I've lived in towns, cities and villages and have never had to drive 'half an hour' or even twenty minutes to the nearest gym. The vast majority of the population (something like 83%) live in urban areas. I appreciate not as convenient if you don't drive, but most people are offering it as a fairly easily solution because for most people there is a gym/pool fairly close by.

But, deep down, I think it IS "that". Because you wouldn't think/feel those things without a deep-down feeling that you're separate from your neighbour, and your shower is very much YOUR shower, and only YOU have a right to it. Surely? We all have some degree of that. It's just its manifestations show in specific ways on this thread.

She is separate from her neighbour and it is her shower and she does get to decide who uses it. 🤣

Your post illustrates exactly what I mean.

We see these things as given. As "facts". But it's not the only way to see/approach the world. For example, you could feel/think more along the lines of "I currently have access to a working shower. Someone right next to me would like access to a working shower. I am no more deserving of this working shower than this other person. It therefore makes complete sense to facilitate this person using it". Now, obviously, taking this to an extreme would mean opening up your shower for the entire local homeless population. Which few would do (although really, perhaps we should). But not seeing any reason why your neighbour shouldn't use your shower is a step closer to that position.

Well, at least you're not saying "What would Jesus Do?" I suppose 😂

... and this is the possibility you chose to foreground. Not the possibility that this could be the start of a beautiful reciprocal relationship.

I wouldn't be comfortable with a neighbour using my shower or toilet. What an imposition.

what, you mean that if you had them round for drinks at Christmas or something, you’d expect them to go home to use the toilet?

Nope, you're gibbering. It is, indeed, a fact that sometimes people push past boundaries more once you let them push past them once.

And everything I said was fair, reasonable and reality based.

Perhaps you're trying to sound like a sage or a guru, but you sound like you're on your second bottle of plonk and have been watching Gandhi on a loop.