Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

My 2 year old and 7 year old both start off in their own beds but come in during the night. How can you love it? They both move so much. Try to get the toddler into their own bed as your relationship is also very important. We have ended up having sex on some cushions downstairs because the risk of being caught was too much and it was getting very frustrating to not be able to have intimacy. I think you are being unreasonable.

I now never want to sit on peoples sofas when I visit them.

You are the unreasonable one. I agree totally with all PP. I can’t believe you even for a second entertained the idea of having sex in the same bed as a 3 year old.

Is this the first time you've contemplated the idea of people having sex on the sofa!?? I feel like that's fairly normal.

This is disgusting. The fact that your main concern is movement and not the fact that having sex in the same bed as a 3 YEAR OLD is absolutely a safe guarding concern. It’s worrying you can’t acknowledge this.

A soft YABU OP. Your three year old needs gently encouraging to sleep through the night and not be dependent on settling only for you, or your marriage will suffer for it. Do you think that you're using the cosleeping as part of an excuse because you don't want to have sex with him at all? Cos if so that might be a different conversation with him.

Why do people insist upon making life so hard for themselves and then playing the martyr with the problems they've created?

Knock the co-sleeping on the head or you'll still be doing it when your child is 11 years old - I've met several people with that problem.

@ThisOldThang bullshit, most kids move out three or so perfectly happily.

But your post implies it wouldn’t be that much of an issue to have sex in the bed… I think that’s the concern here. Of course a three year old can be taught to sleep in his own bed. The fact you want him there and it sounds like you’re prioritising that over time with your DH / his views about the bed, is where the issue is. You don’t need your DS in your bed.

I think you’re getting some slack here because your OP comes across as your DH saying he doesn’t want to have sex with a toddler in the bed whereas you would be happy to do so. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that was just bad wording in your OP.

You need to get to a compromise here.. can’t you get DS to sleep in his own bed. Then you can have a cuddle/sex and then when he wakes up just bring him into your bed to co-sleep? Or DH needs to step up and get your DS more used to him so that he can do some nighttime settling. Spend a week where DH puts DS to bed every night (which will be painful at first!)

So disregard the concerns of others here?
The odd night after a nightmare is understandable.

I am all for anything that gets me some sleep.

My youngest sleeps with me. My DH in their bed. We all get sleep. We are all more pleasant.

We have sex in the living room.

No big deal. Just life with toddlers imo.

Your husband is being unreasonable.

I don't know why humans are so against comforting their young tbh. They are babies ffs. And them feeling happy, safe and rested comes first.

You moved a previously independently sleeping 3 year old INTO your bed? Are you off your rocker?
I'm still battling to get DS to sleep in his own bed. He has done for over a year but still argues the toss about it, his dad still cosleeps at his house so it's not helping and it's just no help to them.

Your DH is not unreasonable to not want a child in bed with him at all. And to say he's not comfortable having sex with the child in the room, as nobody should be really, the fact some parents do that is rank. And he's not unreasonable to not want to get out of bed and go to the living room or a storage room to have sex either.

Probably it was 'Sir'Truby King who said co-sleeping was bad, along with his other theories such as do not comfort a crying baby who wants to be fed, wait till the rigid routine allows it. Wonder how many children he had?

Cosleeping is lovely. Forcing cosleeping on an unwilling participant for 3 years is not. Your child has 2 parents and he gets a say. However, it is fair to say your husband needs to take the lead on getting DS in his own bed and for you to set some conditions for that, e.g. no crying it out.

YABU.
sorry but your DC is three and needs their own bed for everyone sake. Yes it will be a week or so of back and forth trying to undo what’s been done but worth it in the end. The fact ur saying you like to wake up to see their face makes it sound like it’s you who will not let go. Your DH needs his bed back for the sake of your marriage which is importantly too

This. Please both of you work in teaching your child to sleep in there own bed as them sleeping in yours is causing issues in your marriage

Lots of different opinions here. As a person in a mixed-culture marriage, I can tell you that, on the one hand, it is entirely normal for the families around the world to co-sleep together till the child is 6-7 years old. It's just in the Western culture that we seem to have sexualised a lot of stuff and see things that are e.g. totally normal in Asia (even in wealthy households), as some kind of perversion. Not sure where it is coming from, maybe just too much sex in our pop-culture, no idea.
However, on the other hand, your husband is not comfortable with this, so you should compromise here. I would make the spare bedroom ready for the little one (bright colour on the walls, cartoon stickers, fancy lampshade, soft-toys, etc.). Make the child love the room. Your child should fall asleep in his/her own room. They will keep coming to your room or call for you in the middle of the night and that is fine, it will probably take some time (6 months or so). It's up to you then if you want to take him/her back to their room every time or just get a toddler bed/a mattress and put it next to your marital bed. Good luck!

I think its reasonable for him to make a temporary adjustment to where you have sex, personally.

People here will give you a hard time as they are against co-sleeping.

It's not easy getting your toddler to settle nicely in their own bed. It can be tricky and lead to quite a few sleepless nights trotting along the landing. I know, I've been there and done it twice. The exhaustion is real.

But letting your toddler cosleep 'just for tonight' because it makes your life easier for the next few hours is madness. Obviously your toddler will prefer it, so all you're doing is kicking the problem down the road and making it a much harder issue to resolve in the future.

I see so many parents doing whatever it takes to make their lives easier for the next hour with nary a thought to how it's ultimately making their lives harder in the long run. I'll never understand parents who allow a toddler to dictate everyone's sleeping arrangements.

I know! I wouldn’t want to have sex on my own sofa because I wouldn’t want to leave any wet patches behind! It’s now making me think twice about sitting on someone else’s. Gross.

Op, I’m 100% behind your husband here. You’re concerned about your sleep but not concerned that your husband finds it hard to sleep with a wriggly 3 year old. I’d also find scheduled sex in a junk room a total turn off. The solution is that your child sleeps in his own room and you are both responsible for settling him in the transition period.

Can you do a phased roll out ?

1. put your child in a separate bed in your room
2. put your child in his room, but you too sleep there
3. Go back to your bed for sex but return to sleep in the child’s room
4. everyone in their own rooms.

You have sex in the bed while your 3 year old is lying there asleep? Have I read this correctly? Can't believe you would even contemplate this let alone do it

I couldn’t even t and wouldn’t do it

but for example after the Second World War and the fact that my great grandmothers house was bombed, all the neighbour lived in one of the only standing houses left which was a 2 bed and had 27 people in it….she went on to have more kids after. So I mean it’s happened for years and years beforehand.

Have ds start the night in his bed and then at first wake let him in with you. If she objects to this then she can be the one to get up and resettle every wake up