Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

[dhnosex]

DC is just under 3. Cosleeps with us for about half a year now.
I love the cosleeping - it leads to more sleep for me and in all honesty I love waking up to the tiny sleepy face or the little hugs I get in the middle of the night, DH not so much - he occasionally gets woken up by DC turning over in the night and DH believes a bed should just be for parents.
We have a large and comfortable sofa (for sex or to sleep in) and a spare bedroom (which, in fairness is full of clutter and used as a storage room but has a bed).
DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable. To my suggestion that there are other places to have sex he's said he just likes it in a bed, after a cuddle rather than a scheduled walk to the second bedroom or on the sofa.
DC sleeps through the night when we cosleep but wakes up every couple of hours if we sleep apart. Inevitably I'm the one that has to resettle DC if they wake up because DH absolutely can't (DC will not go back to sleep, just gets more agitated). If we were to end cosleeping I'd just end up marching back and forth between our room and DC's all night, or camping in DC's room.
So... who is being unreasonable? Him for wanting DC out of our bed and threatening no sex until I do or me for not wanting to kick DC out? What solutions do I have? I do want sex, in theory could easily live without it but it's not great for a marriage to be sexless.

It varies. But they are still reliant on parents for everything at that age. Language and emotional regulation still developing. So they’d probably graduate to tiny human at 5ish, little human at 7ish and then you get a decent run till puberty wipes out 40% of their grey matter.

Respectfully, I completely disagree with this on so many levels

Would you husband be content to continue cosleeping if you were having frequent sex?

If so, can you have sex somewhere other than in the bed where your 3 year old is asleep?

I don't have a 3 year old, and they're hidden in the drawer, it's not made of perspex or labelled or anything. I don't feel the child is necessarily too young to sleep on their own either.

I am advocating for a mutual solution being found that the father participates in with good faith. Not having him dictate to his wife what she needs to do so that he can have all the sex he wants with none of the parenting required to make that happen, and withholding sex until she complies. That sort of behaviour is adversarial and would have me hugely unaroused.

Co-sleeping seems to be a great form of contraception.

Yabu, you are both the parents, not just your sole decision on the sleeping arrangements, also comes across that it's for your benefit rather than LO. You are making a rod for your own back here by not teaching LO to settle on their own.

I know 2 couples who have split up over this issue, as they've ended up with DC still unable to sleep alone at 9 years old.

That said, DH is going to have to support with the transition, not right for you to have to do it all alone

I think co sleeping needs to be a mutual agreement, if one person is no longer happy with it then measures need to be taken to get the child in their own room, maybe get a double bed in your child's room start them off in there and if they're asleep when you go to bed it's all fine and if not you go in their room until they fall asleep and go back to your own bed, parenting isn't easy and there are sometimes it will be tiring but unfortunately that's how it is, eventually your child will get used to their room and this won't be an issue but you have to persevere

I feel slightly sick after reading that! Sorry OP you are way out of order here and to have sex in the same bed as your child is sick!

Time to both compromise. You want uninterrupted sleep, he wants just you two in the marital bed. So maybe you could settle DC in their own bed (you said it was multiple wake ups that were the issue, so presumably they settle initially?) When DC wakes in the night it’s DH’s problem to solve, he can either bring dc through to co sleep from then (amount of co sleeping will naturally reduce as dc sleeps longer) or DH learns to settle dc in the night. DH has every right to not want to continue the co sleeping indefinitely, but he has to accept being part of the solution.

Your husband is right.

BUT...changing this and working towards getting and keeping DS in his own bed is a both of you problem that both of you need to help with and work on together, as a team.

The longer this goes on for the harder it's going to be to stop.

Having sex next to a child is something people go to jail for 🤢
You are massively unreasonable and honestly, I feel a bit sick after reading your OP.

YABU

DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed.

Very strange wording from you. No one should have to “declare” this. It should be a complete given unless you are a sexual abuser.

@Lanzarotelady @Incakewetrust the OP hasn't said they have sex with the child in the bed. She's said they 'just don't have sex' because her husband won't consent to the sofa or spare bed and she doesn't want to end the cosleeping with the almost three year old so they're at an impasse. Which is how the thread started, ideas on how to resolve the situation in a way which might work for OP, DH and DC.

But yes as @Completelyjo says it could have been worded better.

Well isn’t that what it is? The bed bought and chosen by a married couple to sleep in? Same as we would say ‘family home’?

Yeah I don't see the funny either...

Maybe the term just sounded very formal haha. I do use no nonsense language when writing about something ridiculous.

I think this is just the reality of having small children. Obviously, you are not going to be having sex in the same bed or room as your child (I’d hope!).

Dh doesn’t want sex that needs to happen other than the bed. You don’t want sex if the trade off is you are up half the night resettling a toddler in another room. It means sex is on the back burner until life is a bit easier.

Fwiw, Dh and I co-slept at least part of the night for about 9 years with all of dc. It didn’t stop us having sex. If you want to do it, you will find a way.

Could you consider shifting to part-time co-sleeping? By 3, ours went to sleep in their own rooms and brought themselves into us when they needed us. It meant we didn’t have a toddler in our room for the first part of the night.

Perhaps! I think a lot of phrases are becoming archaic/viewed as formal. I referred to our bedroom as the Master Bedroom the other day and my mates reacted with 'ooooo!'. We live in a 1970's, 3 bed semi, there's nothing ooooo about it 😂I've just always known the largest room to be called the master bedroom and not thought anything of it! Much like the marital bed I suppose...

Yeah good point. Was trying to think of another example there with my night shift fogged brain.

I don’t think OP is coming back. And if this carries on, neither will her husband.

I still co sleep with my youngest.

When he's asleep we just move to a bed or sofa, you could have a kiss and cuddle in bed without it becoming sexual and then move. Don't know how you could regularly risk the motion with a sleeping child next to you!

I disagree with all the posters saying it's some kind of a safeguarding concern fgs. You're their parents, you would obviously not do it if there was a hint of wakefulness or disturbance from your child. In many days gone by people didn't live in houses with all separate bedrooms or reception rooms. They weren't doing anything wrong or perverted by still being a married couple as long as the DC weren't aware.

This is an idiot thing to say. You would only see it as perverse if you think five year Olds are sexually attractive. Do you remember how it felt to be in your Mum's bed after you'd had a nightmare?

Also tbf we both WFH so night sex isn't really a thing anymore, it's much more relaxing to not have to worry about waking or being disturbed by a child!

how about getting a double bed for DC’s room, you start off in your bed with DH and at the first wake up you just hop in with DC and carry on sleeping there. You all get a good sleep and the opportunity for sex in your bed. I did a variation of this with my DC so it meant he wasn’t used to getting in my bed and he eventually slept through.

You’re having sex during the hours your employer is paying you to work? Wow.