AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

Yes, he does seem quite stupid as well. Because always taking steps to avoid bad outcomes isn't cowardly: it's wise.

He's an insufferable twat, who in addition to being a complete knobhead, doesn't have your back.

I think you've had a timely wake up call - and once you've dumped him, you'll find a lot of people in your life who you thought liked him were just tolerating him for you sake.

Yep. He's a coward. Clearly he doesn't think much of you. He ran away & left you to fend for yourself. Send him packing.

When people on Mumsnet have children with lazy arsehole men and we wonder how they ended up having children with them, these must be the early warnings that gets played down. Do not stay with this man, do not have children with this man. He will never be helpful in any situation. Also, I am struggling to imagine what this situation was at all.

He's got a humongous inferiority complex. If it wasn't about the job it would be about something else.

You get these Rambo/ hero wannabes who inevitably end up boasting about what they could/would do in any circumstance that they'll never find themselves in.

Unfortunately I've come across the personality (ones who've generally been turfed out of the services for some reason) and they're really nauseating.

Cyprus? Also less of the awful misogynist language (pussy, fanny) anyone? Why is it female genatalia slang is being used to describe male cowardice, by women?! It wasn't just you OP. Re your OH, to be frank, he sounds like an idiot. Probably spends his time playing call of duty and thinks that translates to real life. What a loser. Probably a narcissist too!

You mention time in the forces? Could be be affected by PTSD perhaps the incident was triggering for him? Maybe try and understand before you condemn him.

Note: I've just asked his bloody version, and he tells me he'd seen the danger before any of us!

Course he did (not). Him and his military experience 'n' all.

Sorry OP I couldn't get past this.

Print off both of these from one of your previous posts and stick them on the fridge:

I was the one who stayed, I'm the one who's been in a warzone, and I'm the one who doesn't run off when the going gets tough. I am also the one who doesn't like fast rides, who gets anxious when a place is too crowded, and likes to read the risk assessments for venues. And it's entirely possible to be both of these things at the same time.

He's the one who presents himself as a military hero, who puts other people down, and who runs away at the first sign of trouble. (and add: It's not possible to be both of those at the same time.)

Sounds like Gilderoy Lockhart.
Full of tales about his bravery and talent but actually a coward and full of shit.

My DO who is not ex forces would stay and fight, as would I.

Not an attractive proposition at all is he, especially the gaslighting story about him spotting the danger etc grim!

Yes, this.

I don't know why I do this but have now RTFT. He sounds like he's intimidated by both you and your dad.

Yeah... not a keeper; this is unlikely to go away. I'm really sorry you had to go through this incident.

He's surely not entitled to do that?

Medals not yours should be worn on the right, shouldn't they?

Urgh he sounds vile.

He's been putting your down for years to the point you've doubted your own personality and experiences! It sounds like this incident has actually been good in a way as it's shown you very very clearly who he is, and who you are.

I think you're right to take stock and think about things long term.

Lots of red flags.

Surely forces people with PTSD don't go round bragging about how brave and great they were?

They want to forget...

You sound like my ex husband, who bigged himself up after becoming a volunteer medical first responder. No one else was as smart or selfless as him. Everyone else was inferior. (Sound familiar, @Quitelikeit?)

He applied for a place on a crisis rescue team (the kind of crew that flies out to earthquakes etc.) and part of the gruelling and fairly dangerous assessment meant he actually had to be smart and selfless for his whole team to make it. Unfortunately, he hid himself away and scoffed the team's only food supplies, because according to him, only he understood the real assignment, which in his mind was to win by being the safest, the least hungry, and the most rested.

The concept of mitigating the risk of death in a real crisis by working together during the assessment, completely escaped him because he was a self aggrandising twat.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't score a place on the team AND my fanny instantly dried up when he told me how they had all spent the night problem solving while he'd had a lovely safe kip.

Good luck going forward, OP. Once seen, cowardice and negging behaviour can never be unseen, IMO.

He's not worth being with.

Not because he ran.

Because of the years of shit you've described taking off him!

I don’t understand this post. He obviously doesn’t like you as he would have told you to come with him and you sound like you despise him and his family by the sound of it. Why stick around to dislike each other?

This profile of a man makes my blood run cold. Military / police / surgical / etc.. A dangerous mix of low self esteem and fragile ego that has no qualms with putting other people down, a god complex, dangerous, mentally and physically so when challenged or embarrassed. If you decide to leave please do so extremely carefully. I don't mean to frighten you, but take care.

I think the truly brave people are not those who don't feel fear, but those who are scared but act courageously anyway - just like you did.

"We were driving in a desert and he was being a prick and wheelspinning even though I was clearly getting anxious and asking him not to. It was 50°C and we had 300mls of water between us, and nobody around for miles. "

Bin for this alone. The absolute fool. Stupid and selfish to have put you both in danger to show off and 2000 extra horrible wanker points for doing it when you were anxious and telling him not to. Ditto the scoffing at your awareness of crowd safety etc.

If you give him the chuck I'd be sorely tempted to hand him a white feather as a leaving present. (Even though the history of white feathers is horrible but the prat deserves one).

He's done you a favour. You have the total ICK and you're unmarried so you can dump him from a height and leave/tell him to.

He sounds like a total knob. The sort that when you do dump him, your friends and family will all cheer and tell you they've hated him for years.

there is a type of bloke who acts the big I am or a bit of a guru or hero or expert

they delude themselves that they are special and that therefore the world, aka women owe them some sort of debt

all they really are is scared little boys with hefty streaks of lazy and bitter

a lot of scared little girls have to get on with their trauma, whilst being scared, and pick up the slack from the boys too cleaning up the mess and doing the hard day to day work to make life go on

then copping a load of abuse from the boys for being ‘weak’

it’s truly pitiful that rather than find a way to contribute positively to society, boys will climb up the hill of shame shouting ‘I’m the king of the castle’ nerr nerr

any desire (or respect) would have whooshed away after him in his wake

🏃🏻‍♂️💨

Hi OP, I'm glad you got his version of events off of him, but of course it makes him look so much worse, when already he was looking pretty bad.

I can understand the ick that won't go away, I fully understand it because when I was ten I was grabbed by two men in North Africa and dragged away from my father. I didn't know what they wanted with me and when they turned me to face my father I saw that he had frozen to the spot... our eyes met, then he turned tail and fled! Away from me and away from the scary men!

Unlike you, I never had the courage to ask him why - it didn't seem my place - and I had every reason to expect he would offer an explanation once we had been reunited. It seemed such an elephant in the room not to volunteer something like "you know darling when it looked like I ran away when those men got hold of you, what I was really doing was x and it was going to help save you because y"

I think it changed my relationship with my father. He had served in WWII, but unlike your hubby, and probably to his credit, he never posed as some kind of hero - in fact he even led us to believe that he would have liked to be a conscientious objector, but didn't dare because of the social opprobrium that would have come with it. When I remember how he was, I get a sense of a cautious young man who had no choice but to get in that boat and wade onto that beach under enemy fire, and who must have been, most of the time, bloody terrified - as most people would!

Your partner's actions were terrible. Honestly. Even without all the boasting and putting you down. Ugh. I would be in all sorts of states over this.

This was one of the first things I thought of!