AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

The problem isn't what he belittled you about, or whether he had the 'right' to do so.

The problem is that he belittled you at all, Op.

"He's irritated because I'm on painkillers so he has to do the housework, and the house is falling apart apparently (after the grand total of 24 hours)."

He's just a lazy exploitative little prick, like all the other lazy exploitative little pricks sucking the life out of women across the world. The rest is a red herring.

(Although having said that, I don't think I could overlook the running away without me. I agree that it's not really controllable - but if it was me, I would be begging for forgiveness anyway, wouldn't you?)

Actions speak so much louder than words, OP and you have been the brave one! I highly doubt he has ever seen military action. If he had done so, I doubt he'd be bragging. Might be time to give him his marching orders.

I agree.

I'm just stunned at what I just read , How did you get away from the men ? How disgusting he left you to a god knows fate .

I've been thinking more about this and I'm so mad for you! He's put out he needs to up the housework? He saw the danger and ran before even warning anyone?! He asked what if HE had died?!

He's just awful.

In the moment people can react differently and that's fair enough. It's the before and after that is the most awful.

How is he not embarrassed?
How is he not waiting on you happily, relieved you are alive and only a bit injured?

Please don't stay with this nob op.

Any guys who wants on about being brave/strong/a great liar so should have been in intelligence etc is often a bullshitter. You don't need to tell people if you are any of these things - actions not words is a saying for a reason.

Th8s is known as confirmation bias. We ( all of us) ignore the evidence that doesn't fit our desired outcome

pls tell me i'm not the only one who is SO CURIOUS as to what this incident was?!

I have only read the OPs posts.

The incident is a red herring tbh. He's been nasty and belittling for years before the incident, and he's nasty and belittling after the incident even though OP is hurt.

He's a 100% nasty shithead who should be dumped. It's nothing to do with cowardice but that's just the shit cherry on top of a shit cake.

Putting you down is worse than the cowardice IMHO. Sounds like he’s deeply insecure about his lack of ‘action’ when deployed even though he’s probably relieved too to have had an easy ride.

I think I would be able to get past it if he had been a loving partner previously, but then panicked in a fight/flight incident and ran away…… but then after he was very worried about my wellbeing, apologised that his response was to run away from protecting me, saying “I don’t know if I could have forgiven myself if you’d been seriously injured or died.”

However if my husband reacted like your partner then I would be filing for divorce.

I just can't get over the fact he's asking about how you would feel if he died! Self absorbed or what.
Does the man have no self awareness at all?

Is this event in the news?

What would he do if his kid was in danger?

I could never respect a man that left me to die, if there was a chance of me living.

Bravery isn't not getting scared. It's being scared, but not running away. You did what your children needed, even if you were a quivering wreck. That's bravery right there.

I would get the massive ick. What a loser!

If Ive read between the lines right you are in Hospital OP because of your injuries - and your brave partner is left doing the housework . And he is complaining about this as its your fault he has work to do.

Oh please OP, do not return to this creature. Go back to your parents to recuperate and tell them how you came to be injured. And exactly how your partner protected himself rather than you.

Celebrate with your family the greatness that is you -and dont let anyone ever dim your sparkle again.

When you've had time to process this, it would be very interesting to hear his side of the story. Putting you down all those tears is breathtaking in it's arrogance. No one can predict how they will react in a dangerous situation, but to totally. ignore that you were at risk too and to make it all about himself is also breathtaking.

@Notacoward
I'm sorry but this relationship was over the nanosecond he turned and ran. He's done a good job on you too with DARVO and gaslighting I would guess.
Your problem now is how he's going to continue gaslighting you until you appear to accept his version of events. He's a coward and completely untrustworthy.

My niece is forces and was in a relationship with a man (also similar job in the forces in a nearby unit) who was furious that she had taken a long overseas posting, had booked on to another short overseas posting on her return and had been promoted. I think he asked her who'd she shagged to get a promotion and that he was never going to fucking salute her in a million years. The fact was that she was a huge distance away missing him and family and he'd phone her to tell her how great he was at his job and that he didn't need to go away in order to prove it. My DN is very career minded and she's going far but this inadequate prick just wanted to feel the bigger man by making her achievements small.

Was this to do with attacks on the emergency services yesterday? there were a few mentioned in the news - a couple sounded like they could have been very serious in terms of people getting hurt had things gone wrong.

I bet your Dad can see right through him. Even if his instinct was to run, did he come back to help you? Did he even ask how are you coping? He sounds like such a Walt, even though he served. He should be waiting on you hand and foot after the incident!

I read about a similar thing a few months ago, the general consensus was he could've at least taken your hand and ran with you... He sounds like a pain.

From the sounds of it OP, you have great respect for the military which is probably why you’ve given this person the benefit of the doubt and accepted his bullshit.

He sounds horrendous…selfish, narc (the low self esteem sounds a good fit for being a covert narc), low self-esteem which means he has to put you down all the time, lazy. Of course he saw the danger before all of you because you’re all too stupid and non-special to have seen the danger. He’s changing the narrative so he’s right and the hero (because he doesn’t actually believe he’s any good, which is something he’s right about).

Enough about him. Ditch him. Don’t get married and don’t have kids with him. He’ll be a crap dad who doesn’t see why he should be up at 3am with a barfing child or why he should listen to 3 hours on Minecraft. Do you work? I assume he doesn’t do any housework without being micro-managed and then he’ll huff and puff about it and do such a shit job he’s creating more work.

You, however, sound amazing! You are clearly a very well-balanced, thoughtful and considerate person who has lead a hugely interesting life. Go find someone worthy of being your partner. Or don’t, whatever suits you best. Live your life to the full and use your experiences to help others as you sound like you can make an actual difference to people.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and a quick end to your relationship!

(Oh, get your family on board before you tell him you’re done. Bet they think he’s a twat but have put up with him because they respect your choices. Get your dad to help kick him out 😀)

This was my first thought!

I don't think this incident is a red herring at all. He's a twat as well as being not very brave.

I have stepped forward several times in life to call the emergency services or wrestle someone to the ground in a dangerous situation and the like. I don't want to do it, and my instinct is to run away but if it's for a family member, then I've just got on with it, despite that putting me at risk or being incredibly stressed during some emergency manoeuvre.

I cannot think of anything I need more from my husband to have my back in the ultimate situations of life, so for me this would be game over.

I think some scenarios of 'freeze' are a little bit different, for example, if you are being attacked by a larger person who is likely to win, then freeze may help you. Running away, not checking back, not saving anyone else, prioritising yourself- nope, not into that at all.

You can also teach yourself not to freeze sometimes, I remember doing psychology at school and the 'bystander effect' meaning no-one steps forward to help, so you have to point at people and ask them to do a specific task, not just shout 'help' as they think others will help. I've done this successfully as well, He would have been shit at that too, as you couldn't have even instructed him if he'd already fled.

I could forgive an initial hesitation or even someone crying, but not running away from saving me.

I wonder if he has some sort if inferiority complex and puts you down to make himself feel better. That kind if behaviour is unacceptable.

My husband is an army veteran. He never brags about his experiences. And I know he'd never leave me, or even a bunch of strangers, in a situation like you describe, and run away. Never.

Wishing you a swift recovery, OP.