AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

I don’t get people who ask questions like this. Don’t you think she would have said which country if she wanted to? I’m sure we could all make a shortlist of 2-4, and which one it was makes absolutely no difference to what’s happening now, but would potentially make her identifiable.

Apologies
was being nosy

He sounds like a bully and a coward.

Id have to challenge him on why he ran away if hes so tough and brave

Eurghhh what a knobhead. He sounds immature and a bully.

It's good you're having second thoughts.

Argh please excuse typos.

This. My ex was in three lots and was then blown up in NI in 1971. He was in hospital for a year and then given an HD.

It was clear from his actions and reactions to things that he was a soldier and yet he never talked about his service unless he was with other soldiers. It took me months to get out of him where he had served and how he got the full body scarring he had.

See, I can understand running away from danger. It's not noble, and we all hope we'd do better. But... yep, I get that. Bit now he's claiming he had some keen sense of danger, better than anyone else's, so is therefore superior in his reactions as well as bravery? C'mon, the guy is AWFUL.

But I think it's awful that he belittles you for managing your own stress. And -sorry- but so much pride in some twisted bravado is really unattractive.

I mean he sounds like a dickhead in general... why why you attracted to that before this instance?

My DH is a bit 'cowardly' (or to put it in more positive words hes 'safe') as he has very high anxiety so is incredibly risk averse but hes not an asshole. Your boyfriend sounds like an generic all round asshole.

This would give me the major league ick.

This is exactly what I was thinking…

I'm a civvie but if I stay in a hotel or any strange place, I know where the exits are, how many steps and doors I have traverse and get out of if it's smoky or dark and where the fire extinguishers are. I am very safety conscious and aware of my surroundings. My DH is the same. It sounds like your DH would laugh at us for being this way but it only takes a few minutes to make up a mnemonic about it between us and move on.

I think people who are frightened but act despite that fear are brave, if you're not frightened you're not really brave. I think we're not always in control of how we react to any situation and sometimes it is much more sensible (and safer for everybody) to run from danger. However, he is foolish and bullying to label you weak and to not own how he has behaved. I might not call him a coward, I don't think men always have to be the strong ones, but he is a very unattractive person.

This story sounds like it would be just the thing for your local paper. The terror! Indignation about h&s failures/bad actors/local government/dangerous dogs/whatever! The bravery of your friends! The thought of losing your DP if he hadn't luckily spotted the danger and escaped in the nick of time!

Come on, you owe it to the local community.

He attitude towards you is shit.

That is more worrying than how he behaved during one incident.

That's bad, Op. I wouldn't be able to stay with a man like this.

Very seriously, I feel I would lose all respect for a partner who behaves like this.
He has shown himself to be a pathological liar as well as a bully in his behaviour towards you. He might be jealous but that's his problem.
I don't think there's any coming back from this.

He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers.

I didn’t read any further. No matter what happened yesterday his attitude stinks.
And ex military who blow their own trumpets are rarely genuine ime.

He's the sort of man that even competes with his kids because he has to win every time. Everyone else but him can see what a twat he really is.

I once went down this rabbit hole.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

https://thewaltermittyhuntersclubhq.co.uk/

I'm one of the micro number who voted YABU... he's either a dickhead who is using this bravado to hide cowardice, or a dickhead who is using this bravado to hide some kind of trauma.

It doesn't make what he did to you right, but the stereotypical army bloke will want to be seen as 'hard' - his behaviour just overwhelmingly makes me feel that he's a messed up individual who needs to work through some demons somewhere in his past, either from his army days or from his family (if there's a history of service then he might have come under pressure to behave a certain way).

I mean YANBU in that he should still apologise to you, but I just think there may be more to it and the OP pricked my 'take pity' bone... apols as have not RTFT.

So basically he mocks and belittles you to try to make himself superior. He mocks your Dad’s achievements. Does he also say nasty things about other people and how he’s better than them? I know the word narcissist gets thrown around very freely and not always appropriately, so I’m just gently mentioning it as something for you to consider.

Well done for handling the situation. You are a much stronger person than he wants you to think you are.

Also LTB gets thrown around a lot, but also something to consider.

You are not being unreasonable. Don’t let him tell you you are.

There is a film which is about something similar which might actually give both of you some perspective, if you want some time to think/he wants to try to see your perspective. It's called Force Majeure and it's about a family that goes skiing and there is an avalanche coming and the father just leaves the mum and the children to save himself. Everyone is fine but the actual action is discussed from various viewpoints, their friends take different points of view etc. It was quite interesting.

This is only if you think he's worth it. It sounds like there are many more issues too :-(

Ew he sounds really vile.

Bravery is knowing what the dangers are, seeing them and the potential a situation has to get nasty... and sticking around and doing the right thing.

Bravery is not 'not being scared' as if you're not scared, because you're too stupid/unimaginative to see how things could go, then what is there to be brave about?!

So not only is he not brave but he is also pretty stupid/ignorant, lacking in various useful skills of foresight and also pretty reckless...

AND he is a horrible person to his partner, probably because he feels insecure and inferior but thats not an excuse to behave like a total cunt!

Throw away entire man. Level up!

The latest incident has only revealed what you already know. He's a bit of an annoying twat. Personally, I'd throw this one back.