AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

Blimey he's really shown his true self hasn't he.

Difficult to see how you could get past this revelation.

I always think it’s a red flag when people mock others for being nervous, careful or afraid.
When people are cautious, it’s usually because they are confronting the reality and fully understand what is involved in dealing with the threat.
The loudmouth bravado types don’t need to go through this process because deep they know they’ll run away!

You have to ask him if his legs are sore after running at the speed of light at the first hint of danger etc.

What a pussy he is after the way he has treated you. Please dump him, Cyprus isn't at all dangerous unless you're going out without suncream on.

So he SAW the danger you were in and ran away without alerting any of you?

Nah I couldn't get over that.

So he is a liar to boot.
I hope to hell you haven't married this loser.
ICK

What would he say if you said that you were surprised that he ran away from the situation instead of helping as you thought he was braver than that?

Is he, in fact, Sir Robin?

Can you imagine if you’d have run off? You’d still be getting a lecture now.
Why is he in competition with you? Calling you a civvie fanny?
I am going to be blunt here and say I think he is abusing you. He has you confused about who you are - someone who is clearly a brave and capable person.
One of my closest friends growing up was in the paras. Served in Bosnia and saw the most horrific sights. Suffered from PTSD. One of the bravest people I have ever known.
This man puts you down because he’s jealous of your father and I bet wouldn’t insult him to his face. He’s envious of you as a person and your service record.
I watched a documentary recently about Allied troops who went into concentration camps like Belsen. Many never spoke of it. They were brave.
Someone who bangs on about being brave and puts others down is a coward. He is a bully.
I couldn’t bear to be around this man and I wouldn’t waste any more precious life on him.
Asking what you’d have done had he died - well considering he bogged off, what a stupid question.

Yes! This is too much even for me. I've excused myself and hobbled off to the bathroom. None of us would been able to see, but he had a good viewpoint and could. We could have avoided this!

Why is he asking about how you felt if he had died? Does he think that he was in more danger than you? I presume that you could have died too and that because you stayed to help, you were in more danger? He sounds really strange.

Don't know if you've watched Red Dwarf, but he sounds exactly like Rimmer.

Totally agree.
Brave people are normally brave enough to be the first to admit they feel sacred.
And even if they’re not scared, they’ll say they are to increase the confidence of the genuinely scared people “that they’re not alone, we’re all in the same boat but we’ll all get through this together type thing”.

Those who mock other people for being scared are actually normally terrified and shitting bricks ime. Or they’re thick as shit and lack the situational awareness to understand the situation properly.

OP saved the lives of other people and her DP just brushed it off. He also keeps asking her how she would feel if he died, when she was in more danger by helping other people when he just ran away.

From someone who keeps taunting OP about her lack of bravery due to taking some medication before a flight, it must feel really galling to OP, when he isn't really brave at all.

I’m angry on your behalf now @Notacoward at this latest update.

I hope you are ok, and the others in the group too. Whatever you went through yesterday was clearly a horrible experience that is likely to have left you shaken and unsettled as well as in pain. I hope you can have some time and space to process it all without your DP hindering your mental as well as physical recovery. Often people in such situations need to go over all the details of what happened quite a bit and talk it out. I cannot imagine he is the right person to support you as he will have his take (put-downs) ready to insert. Please do put yourself first at this point whatever your longer term plans for the relationship turn out to be x

He ran away this man doesn't even sound like a nice person at the best of times

W as it a fireworks accident

Can't believe he asked you how you would have felt had he died without responding that he was clearly not worried about making sure YOU didn't die and were left to defend yourself where the so-called 'brave' one ran away and hid.

I'd be done with him.

This a million times over, like WTAF!! This just makes it worse.

Well done OP on your bravery and staying to help others, I hope you heal soon.

I think the incident on its own wouldn’t have massively bothered me. As others have said you really can’t predict how you’ll respond in an actual emergency situation, even if you’ve been in similar previously (or maybe especially if you’ve been in similar previously), so I wouldn’t judge anyone for their response.

But the behaviour before & after would bother me.

Urgh what a coward. A selfish, narcissistic, mean-spirited, unsupportive twat.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and find out what he's like in such a stressful situation.

Please be careful if you leave him op. It'll probably be fine, but please let others know in the (small) chance he were to become violent if you leave. I say that as he doesn't sound entirely rational. It sounds like you live together, us that right?

Don’t underestimate the trauma of what you’ve gone through in this incident OP. If you’re in that industry you should have access to TRiM and/or EAP support, make sure you tap in to it. You don’t have to work through all this on your own, doesn’t matter that it’s not work related.

So Private W Mitty was safely on a military base in Cyprus whilst you were somewhere like Gaza?

He's a bloater, do yourself a favour and dump him.

He sounds like an absolutely dick.

Which country were you in ?

Only read the OP's posts so don't know if anyone's mentioned, but he sounds like the guy from this film - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2121382/ (except that DP sounds even worse and is real unfortunately)