AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

That would be a complete turnoff.

One of the few good things about my on/off relationship was he is genuinely brave

Hi op,

I think you overthink it because he annoyed you saying you are weak and that is the real issue. Hard to not want to tell him how he flew like the wind now it is your turn, is it? But don’t :) maybe that will make him stop? Or maybe it will make you change to someone more graceful to you?

Good luck 🌺

I've just watched some clips from this movie being mentioned by posters - yes! This is very similar to what happened. If you add in that people could work together to get out of the way but if people ran away then there is less manpower and so more danger for those who worked together to take care of the group, not just themselves. I saw the bit where they're at that meal, and he said to the couple they'd met about what had happened that she got afraid. And I felt pure fury on her behalf. Fortunately, I'm at my parents home, not ours. I know I've not said anything yet, but I completely understand her viewpoint. It's almost like I have to mull it over myself. And accept the gravitas of that momentary action. Once I voice my thoughts, I want everything to go quickly. I dont want to have it justified, or minimised, or rewritten.

A veteran who uses their bravery and experience against anyone including their partners to suggest their military record means others are 'less' than him, are being a bully.
It also saddens me that former MOD civilian staff don't have an organisation whose members can share their experiences with.

I think they look after their staff really well in fairness, this is just something that has been thrown up years later because of a freak accident. Almost like seeing someone clearly for the first time. That the silly jokes and banter were hiding a selfish, egotistical little man.

It can be gut wrenchingly disappointing when your nearest and dearest don’t turn out to be the people you believed them to be… A kind of grief for the relationship and for having borne such an incorrect idea of someone you loved.

I’m trying to find a silver lining here, and if there is one then it’s arguably best you find this painful truth now - than have it bite you on the arse when he discovers for example that you are seriously ill or some other hideous time.

I have been studying a form of self defense for many years and our instructor specifically trains us to override this instinct. We train over and over again so that our response is muscle memory. Once, when out with friends, someone tried to grab my purse and my body put him on the ground before my brain was really even aware what was happening.

I volunteer with a veterans organization and, without fail, the ones who were in the dangerous situations and knew how to handle themselves are far less vocal than the braggarts who spent their tours on a party island.

It is weird and pathetic. Grown men dressing up like little boys.

Oh I'm so sorry and cringing on your behalf. Totally get why you couldn't ever warm to him again and are now divorced.

Yes, I'd be unable to stop myself from constantly commenting on it, at least until the divorce is final.

The other people on your team deserve to know that he ran away instead of being thrown and I'd be telling everyone, including his family and yours.

"I am also the one who doesn't like fast rides, who gets anxious when a place is too crowded, and likes to read the risk assessments for venues." - this is not cowardice, this is just good practice because you've been in dangerous situations, unlike him. His mocking you for being concerned because you are aware of the actual risk based on your experience is beyond the pale. He is welcome to give advice based on his military service, but most of us civvies already know how to treat a sunburn or properly hydrate after a night at the pubs.

In my eyes, a partner should be there to protect you and he did the complete opposite! This would put me off and has done in a similar situation in the past. I had a "partner" who left me in a dangerous situation because he wanted out of it himself.. Couldn't look at him the same afterwards.

Sure that's a reason to tell them, not a reason not to?

Freeze, Fight or flight mode kicked in and that is normal and instinctive and cannot be easily disregarded in most people, though if he was in the forces, training should have countered that.
His need to talk himself up while putting you down is a serious character flaw. Low self esteem, yes and it’s almost as though he is trying to convince himself of his superiority as much as everyone else. He should not belittle you. It’s a red flag for any relationship. I’m afraid it won’t change and if you remind him he ran away, he’ll probably get angry and /or somehow try to turn it around so he’s in the right and you are crazy or unreasonable. Or he’ll refuse to discuss altogether. I’m sorry you are with this guy. I think you deserve better…not for the running away but for the way he puts you down. It’s not normal behaviour , not loving behaviour. No empathy ..another red flag

I really hope you've returned back to UK in best possible condition considering situation with appropriate pain relief. I'm not sure why I keep returning to this post. @Notacoward is obviously an erudite / articulate person but I'm here, practically bouncing on my heels waiting for her to confirm she's left the t*wat. Probably because I stayed with a coward; he kept claiming he couldn't get involved in a situation because once he got going, he couldn't stop - easy to say when he punched me and laughed afterwards. Loads of situations where he dodged the bullet - scarpering rather than ensuring my safety - despite putting me in the scary position in the first place with bugger all exit strategy e.g shanty town in west Africa; then shitting himself at Notting Hill carnival. Hopefully, he will be too ashamed to parade around town this weekend and if he does, please ensure your family are able to point out that he must have made a mistake re Medals after getting Dress Uniform ready; mirrors are a bugger.
I found a REAL man in the end but you're already the Alpha re kids - you'll never be able to get over further gaslighting. Best wishes for the weekend - and I would suggest remove the cut onion from his pocket - the one he squeezes onto his handkerchief and dabs at eyes during the Last Post in the hope cameras will capture.

Can't stop wittering - same ex who woke me up and asked me to check because he thought he'd heard someone breaking in.

Speedy recovery OP. You sound brave and capable so I hope you decide leaving this man is the best outcome for your family.
Your children should not be subjected to his misogyny and you need to stop being ground down into accepting the belittling role he is casting for you.
It’s extremely sad you feel you can not tell your own family the truth of your situation. Do not be browbeaten into maintaining this relationship ’for the sake of the children’ it’s the absolute last thing they need to witness and learn from.
It’s really not about what just happened, that’s just the final nail and it sounds like it’s been a long time coming.
Can your family help you plan what comes next including to best protect the children from the fallout?
I suspect this man is not going to accept rejection easily or well.

Whether it is FFF mode or PTSD or just pure survival instinct something has been exposed here that can’t be unexposed. When push really comes to shove you know this man does not have your back, he will never try to protect you if it means compromising himself in any way.

I came on to say gave him the benefit of the doubt if you can, no one can control how they will react in any given situation, but I think something in you has died or been extinguished from this relationship, and will never return. Even without the prior poor behaviour which reflects his insecurity.

You lost all respect for him in those vital moments op. I doubt it can be recovered. I would end the relationship. Even based on the fact he can’t cope with 24h without you being there tells me everything I need to know about who is really the strong one in this partnership- and we all deserve a relationship of equals.

Just this would have me walking fast in the opposite direction. There's a total bellend and then there is 'valour theft' which is recognised among all normal thinking people servicemen and women, past and present, as the biggest no no possible.

I would never be able to get past any of this OP. I would be calling him Walter Mitty in my divorce documents and be done.

Get legal advice. Find out all of your options and spend a little time deciding how you are going to do this before you speak to him about it. Knowledge is power.

You sound like a strong person and you know he will be ridiculous about all of this so him being a blowhard will come as no surprise. They can get nasty once they have been 'seen' though.

I'd dump the lmae excuse for a human. Walk away while your dignity is intact. He will bring you down with him.

watch this film …father runs away from family in an avalanche ! The film is about the aftermath of that. Interesting .

Why are you still with this prick?

he is gaslighting you and undermining your self esteem and mental health.

I have no idea what you get out of this relationship but it can’t trump these facts!

I can’t work out if you have children but if you do at worst he is risk to them at best he is a poor role model - and to be frank so are you in permitting this.

move on you deserve better.

As echoed by other posters. He's a gaslighting, stolen valour tosser and hope you and immediate family don't just edge away from him this weekend but call him to account re medals - had he inadvertently misunderstood left from right - after retrieving Dress Uniform from it's annual outing?

Just read all this thread, nothing to add, just wanted to wish you all the best for your future, @Notacoward
God Bless.

Any update? I do hope @Notacoward has kicked him to the Kerb; whereupon he'll start crying that he has a broken ankle only for a passing medic confirm at the worst, it's a sprain but most likely to do with wearing combat boots - two sizes to big which he tried to compensate by doubling up on mountaineering socks - which could explain the (non) Athlete's foot plague infecting all family.