AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

This would give me the ick. He's a coward AND an arse.

Hi all, I'm back. PPs were correct - I was in hospital. I was taken there on Tuesday and let out last night after some trays and scans to make sure nothing is broken. We're currently abroad and now I know no bones are broken, I'm flying home today, to my parents' home in a different part of the UK, not ours. Sorry for being vague about the incident - it was a sports accident and would be outing. There's a video on SM so I don't feel comfortable sharing. It seems like it was distressing to watch as well though.

As for dp, it appears the rest of the team believe he was thrown out of the way of danger and he's not corrected them. Hm. He came to hospital last night, revealed he had seen the danger, and I was then discharged. I can't look at him the same.

Apologies to PP who brought up my use of 'f**ny' - it's the word he has applied to me in the past so the word I've been using, but I take on your point and won't use it. The word I'm actually thinking of for him is coward.

The rest of the team worked together to try to move us out of the way, and had he not run off and left us, the extra manpower would have helped us further, hence my disdain. He saved himself, rather than helping the team. Not only that, he ran off despite me being in the firing line, so I feel like he ran off, turned back and was prepared to watch me potentially experience something serious. Fortunately the rest of us pulled together and did our best to avoid catastrophe. He's been enjoying the attention, as it 'must have been so awful that he was thrown metres out of the way'. Of course he's allowed the team to think this. He's awful.

Unfortunately we are married and have dc - they aren't with us thankfully. I wonder if he would have done the same thing if they had been, and this is also making me angry, it would be unforgivable. Thank you for helping me see that he is in fact awful - he is very successful at painting himself in a positive light.

Is there any chance the rest of the team known the truth? And have creative this narrative to gloss over what he did?
Let him have his story. You know the truth. That’s all that matters.
Take care of yourself now and just know if the situation were ever reversed, you owe him nothing.

I'd be telling other team people if it were me. Blame your lack of tact on the painkillers you might be on.....

No, he was in Cyprus and the Falklands. He's never been in a war situation. His role was a vital support role, and I have absolute respect for everyone who's served in these areas, including him tbf. But hes never been shot at, or in a bombing raid, or anything like this. I'm a civilian but our work roles have overlapped and I'm aware of his service history, and he's aware of my work history.

Yes, and it stands out even more when they're from conflicts that took place before he was born. My family and I avert our eyes and stand slightly away from him.

@hepsitemiz this is horrendous. I'm so sorry.

It's awful that he's let people think he was thrown rather than ran away Op. I hope you won't go near him on Rememberance Day, in your place the need to call him out when he's showing off would be too much.

I must be psychic @Notacoward re Falklands. I'm so sorry for your dreadful experience. I hope you hold onto your anger and get rid of this ars£ Walter Mitty wan£er - understand you're married with kids but can you imagine if he abandoned you in a scary situation - what would we do if kids were involved? You're obviously the Alpha here and I would ties and tell him to Eff off with his pathetic / gaslighting explanations - plus don't be adverse to leak anything to regiment - I'm sure they'll be delighted to be associated with a someone who would run because they claimed training. I'm getting angry on your behalf! You're the mother of his kids and he ran!

Oh this is all so disappointing for you..And the father of your children as well, putting you down like this for years to make himself feel like "a man". The opposite of manly, in fact 😬

Well now you know you are not weak, a wuss, or any of the worse terms he has been throwing at you. In fact you are strong enough for two, which is just as well as you now know you can't rely on him - probably not physically but more to the point, definitely not to be honest and honourable.

He's no kind of example to your kids alas, and as they rumble him over the years they'll probably find him as risible as 'Uncle Ypres'.

Sorry. Forgot to add I hope you have had some pain relief for your injuries and best wishes for journey home. I would love to be in a fit state to welcome wan£er at airport - would have to be with cutting words rather than Cricket Bat! However, I'm sure he could take down a woman that's barely over 5ft. I have knowledge of Services and have given people benefit of doubt re Medals - particularly when obviously not awarded given age but thought it was a Salute to those before. I'll now keep an eye out for fellow Tw)ts!!!

Didn't the others in the group see him run away ? If he was thrown out of the way he would have landed in a heap on the ground ?

So, so far, he's a braggart, a liar, a bully and a coward. Not to mention hints of gaslighting/guilt-tripping "how would you feel if I died?"
Such a charmer...

I bet if you do split up your family will suddenly explode with issues they have with him they've been keeping a lid on for your sake!

Sorry, OP -- this sounds both genuinely very frightening, and also frightening in terms of being a wake-up call to the reality of your marriage.

However, I think you need to take some responsibility for the dynamic, too. You seem in part to be buying into the 'civvies are wet and cowardly' rhetoric he spouts, as well as using the hard-man misogynistic language, with all your comparative posturing about how you were in a more dangerous country, despite being a civilian, while he was perfectly safe, despite being a serving soldier.

I think you need to think about therapy to dismantle why on earth you bought into all that for so long, because it sounds as it, at some level, you do believe that civilians/military are different species.

Whereas, much of the time, men join the army for the same reason they've always joined the army -- because they're from poor areas with few other employment or advancement opportunities. I have about five great-uncles with various military honours for serving in WWI and II, and one died at Mons and one in Gallipoli, but the one who survived long enough for me to remember in my childhood was quite upfront that they'd all signed up because they were poor.

This is hard to read, but I have time to think at the moment - and I suspect there may be some hard truths in it. My whole family are military, but I joined the CS, and although nothing was ever said, I always felt on some level that there was a hint of disappointment. I dont even know whether that is true, I just felt it. So perhaps it was a narrative I believed on some level, though I don't think it was conscious.

DP never just launched into belittling me, there were always humorous comments/banter made; with my family because his and mine are in different branches, with me because I was in a civvy role. But it certainly didn't start in a horrible way. I think on some level I started to believe it because I felt some guilt at not going down the route that had been expected of me. And so I've allowed my self esteem to be pulled down further maybe. Thank you, it's something I will really think about, and try to avoid in the future.

Before that, I think I have to consider my marriage. It is almost like I have fallen out of love in a matter of seconds, like scales have fallen from my eyes. And practical decisions now have to be made. Would he have done the same with our children?

Thank you to everyone, I haven't discussed this with anyone in real life at all, and don't feel ready to until I have a firm action plan in place.

I would guess the years of boasting and hard man veneer are to hide the fact that he has known he's a coward deep down all along. Brave people don't tend to feel the need to announce it or point out how unbrave anybody else is.

What an absolutely pathetic excuse for a man. I'd throw him back op. He ran away when you could have been in danger. I could never leave my partner in that situation at all. He isn't who he's pretended to be.

Yes, he ran in a blind panic and so ran into something (typically) soft. We were all thrown, and then began checking on each other immediately. We turned and he was in a position which looked as though he could have been thrown. I even thought this at the time! But then he told me had just ran, and I remember thinking, wow, you went to just save yourself.

Good for you, OP. I didn't mean to be harsh. It did just sound as if you had internalised some very entrenched ideas about civilians vs military, and that makes total sense if you are from a military family.

Would he have done the same with our children?

This must come as quite a shock, to even have to ask this question. I hate to say it but deep down, you probably know the answer. PPs have said you can't help fight or flight, but I like to think parental instinct comes first - certainly the stereotype for mothers is that self-preservation goes out the window if your child is in danger. I guess for me, it would be enough to have the doubt whether he would protect your children without thought for his own safety.

I think it's ok to run away in the moment, but then, always always, to look back, to see where your loved ones are, and then run back in again or go to help them.

On the military/civvy distinction, the bravest people I know are women who keep toughing it out on their own, single mums, mums of disabled children, mums who keep caring for and loving adult children with mental health difficulties.

Those women are underpaid, under-recognised, and devalued, and hold up society. They are often quite physically strong as well, I've had to move my children or relatives physically, to care for them, clean them, call emergency services, prevent them harming themselves.

I agree he's got into a toxic masculinity narrative that doesn't represent him, and causes him to devalue both you and others, it's a horrible trait, I don't know how he's got the nerve to look you in the eye.

There is a difference between being brave and being too thick to see that he was risking his life with that stunt in the desert. People die that way. I'd have been yelling too because it was just pure stupidity on his part. People who really are brave shut up about it. He's never been in a war zone but thinks PTSD is a sign of weakness of somebody who has.

Why have you put up with his baseless bragging for years? My father was prepared to kill somebody with his bare hands to save my mother and I when our lives were in real danger. No hesitation, no thinking this can't possibly be happening or panic. (No, he didn't have to kill them in the end.) Strangely, he never bragged either about his risky time in the merchant navy time crossing the Atlantic during WWII where they were unescorted and at constant risk of being sunk and he wasn't even British!

I can't imagine why you'd believe this man who was never in any real danger or under fire was immensely brave. Saying it doesn't make it so. He was hardly in the SAS was he? I think being a coward is worse if you have been proudly proclaiming, on somewhat dubious grounds, for years about how brave you are and telling your partner that she is a quivering coward.

I think I'd be through with him to be honest. He sounds quite unpleasant. I'm not saying that men can't be scared either. My husband when he thought he was having a heart attack was terrified and I didn't blame him. On the other hand when I was called back after a mammogram, he didn't call me a coward when I was frightened. (We were both fine as it turns out.)

I completely agree with every word you have said here.

I wonder whether in due course his narrative will change and he will deny he ever told you he ran? And fully lean into the “he was thrown” misconception. Maybe watch out for that.

Apart from all the other awfulness, the uniformed services take a very dim view of stolen valour. They’d be disgusted to know he was doing this.

It seems that this latest incident was just the last straw. Like PPs I wondered straight away why you have been putting up with him speaking to you like that, mocking you, saying he would have done your job in the war zone better than you did etc. He clearly has a habit of deceiving you and others, and putting you down, and you have been enduring it. From your OP I assumed you weren’t married, hadn’t been together all that long and you could dump him relatively easily. It’s shocking that he’s like this when you’re married and have children.

I do think that whatever you decide about the relationship, you should tell him how you feel about him running away and letting the others believe he was thrown. He might deny it or twist the story, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that he knows you know and will not tolerate him lying to you about it. If you decide to stay, he needs to understand that you’ll never again tolerate him either behaving recklessly, bragging about being “brave” or putting you down.

I cannot understand why you would be party to his blatent lie?
Why would you allow his lies to stand?

That you are the mother of his children and he ran from you and left you is so shocking.

Your relationship is absolutely toxic.

But I really think you need to have a hard look at yourself to, that you would all that lie to stand.

So dishonest from him and you.
I hope you make a speedy recovery.