AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

Steady on, she's been in hospital and trying to measure her external response because of the pain medication she's on. There's no point sticking the boot in at this early stage - plenty of time for the truth to come out once she's got her head straight.

How you didn't say "well it wouldn't have been you would it? You ran away too fucking fast for that and left it up to the rest of us to deal with it", I don't know!

YANBU OP - it's a massive turn off.

Not the running away, as you said, fight or flight is just nature, but the fact that he'd been going on for years about how big and brave he is.

I'd be having a de-brief with him on it, pointing out how ironic it is that he was the first to run away, considering how he's banged on about it for years. Despite serving in the forces, this might have been his first true experience with fear. If he were to turn around now and say "yeah... so it turns out I am NOT the big brave man I thought I was... sorry", then fine. If he carries on as he was I'd definitely be re-thinking my relationship.

My Dad will wear his long service medal on remembrance day. He has other medals from various conflicts that he earned but won't wear. He saw some horrible things and doesn't want to "celebrate" such awfulness by wearing a medal.

So, he wears the one he's most proud of - serving his country for over 15 years.

The people that wear the medals that their fathers and grandfathers earned? That's just super weird IMO.

I feel very sorry for the OP.
But I also feel that allowing those other people to think that horrible man who could have helped was somehow thrown, when in fact he saw it coming, warned no one and ran away, to be allowed to lie by ommission is very wrong.

Those people deserve to know the truth.
As do her family and friends.

I certainly won't be lying to the rest of the team. I haven't seen any of them in person yet, just communication via WhatsApp groups. It's only been 48 hours. There's not a chance I'll be keeping it to myself. But I'm watching his actions through a clear lens now. I want to see exactly what he does so that his actions can't be minimised or put down to instinct beyond his control, or any other excuse. I think this is the end for me, so I need to have a plan in place which will take time. I want to see him exactly for who he has shown himself clearly to be, where he can't provide excuses later on. I need to be able to recall this time during what may be a drawn out process of divorce. I don't want to forget anything, or think perhaps it wasn't that bad, later on when the shock dies down. I want to see the truth fully now. I dont know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

It's a member of his family who does this. It's allowed to wear medals of loved ones who've passed away on the right, but only your own on the left. I offered to help switch them over for him last year, after explaining the etiquette (which he's already aware of) but he declined. Dp has never done this but has presented himself as some sort of hero, if he'd only had the chance.

Ah sorry, I didn’t read your post and thought it was your H who was wearing the WW medals.

What does “ME” mean?

Middle East I think.

Yep, I'd have the ick feeling.

1. because of his cowardness and 2) the way he puts you down.

I'd be shoving this in his face from now on.

Apart from being downright dangerous, the wearing of the medals on the wrong side is just so cringe. Needs court-martialed for embarrassing you in public like that.

But I'm watching his actions through a clear lens now.

You may well start seeing quite a few other things now you are out from under his cloud.

The car in the desert thing resonated with me - my ex would do something like that, loved to terrify me then berate me for reacting exactly as he wanted me to.

I hope you are not long in healing @Notacoward and that your other teammates are okay and a good support to you.

It makes sense to get everything in place before you tell him you want to end things, if that's what you do. He's spent all this time keeping himself safe, time for you to do the same, just in case

If he is indeed “a bit of a fanny” then he is incredible… don’t you think? I mean my fanny birthed 3 kids.

Using the words of female anatomy to describe someone’s failure is insulting to women.

You sound amazingly level headed in the face of a massive upheaval in your life. Good luck moving forwards. You’ve got this!

Absolutely take your time in getting yourself organised and even secretly record your conversations and take notes, so that the worm can't try and get out of anything.

The fact you are mother to his children and he would run is unbelievable.

Well done for planning on telling the others involved. They will so want to know and not be indulging his lying, false tales.
I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he starts embellishing his involvement.

You are correct to let him waffle on.

Are you Scottish OP? Fanny is very commonly used up here.

For all those of you offended by the word fanny. It's is a Scottish word for idiot or similar.

It's also a name, my name in fact 😁

Oh snap 😂

This one went down a storm up here. 😆

I was in the military for 13 years . My job was potentially to be in danger zones although I wasn’t personally posted into them. I did however have a few dangerous incidents and I’m now afraid of heights and panic in crowds or enclosed spaces - probably due to past incidents looking back but I’ve never had this diagnosed. DH was also military and was in danger a few times. We respect each others different backgrounds and would never dream of belittling each other for what we experienced . He has medals, I don’t .
your husband is the worst kind of coward in that he belittles you and didn’t try to protect you - I really would worry wether he would be there for your children

😂😂 Canny beat an Irn Bru advert.

Walking in the woods with my husband, a large German Shepherd came hurtling towards us..my husband jumped behind me, this was bad enough, but then he held onto my shoulders, and when the dog was close, he actually pushed me towards him.! Luckily I could tell the dog was non aggressive, and I apologised to the owner for the scene he was causing.i was shocked by what he'd done and couldn't look at him in the same light after that.we are now divorced.

Found this so funny that I watched it twice.

That's exactly what bravery is! Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Bravery isn't marching in full of courage and taking over without a second thought like people often think it is.
You are brave and don't continue to think you're not!