AIBU to feel that dp is a coward?

[Notacoward]

I'll start by saying there's context but I'll give the event first, then context for ease.

DP and I were involved in an incident yesterday with a group of people that was potentially life threatening. There was an accident where a few of the group were in danger - two of us stayed and did our best in the situation, checked each other were OK, and then looked for dp. He had ran away! Completely abandoned everyone to look after himself. I get that he must have been terrified but context....

He's ex forces and points out how brave he is all the time. He calls me weak and scared because I am more conscious of h+s and potential dangers. Years ago, he was posted in a safe country (military base) and I was a civvy based in another dangerous country (war torn) across the water. I was there during a difficult time and he often tells me how much better he would have dealt with it than me. Incidentally, I didn't run away and leave anyone and conducted myself well at that time, but I didn't like it when we left because I was physically and mentally spent and not in the headspace to be in an aircraft so took a Xanex to get through the journey (weak apparently). I dont even like rollercoasters. He often takes the piss. He wears his veteran badge on his jacket with ME country in question (and rightfully so), but I (the civvy) was actually in it, and the closest he got, despite him telling me how weak I am, was this base in another country - but he's much braver than me, you know? And yet yesterday, he ran off and left me and the others to try to protect one another.

I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit of a fanny. I wouldn't judge if it was anyone else, what happened was scary, but the fact he's banged on about being so strong and brave has made me feel a bit sick now I've seen his terror, and I can't look at him the same. I felt scared but I'd never run off - fear and courage can be displayed by the same person at the same time. I'm on painkillers at the min (minimal injuries really, it's a miracle) so maybe they're talking, so I won't confide in anyone irl, but please tell me if AIBU? I'm prepared to accept it if I am, I know people deal with danger in different ways. If I'm being a prick about him, I will hold my hands up and accept it.

How did he react at not getting a place on the team?

He does sound absolutely awful!

I agree. Fil is ex forces and has told me before he could kill everyone in the room ( family wedding when I early twenties) yet he can't have a blood test. I always thought it was a really weird thing to say to me.

Whereas cousin who is ex RAF has never talked about what he has seen or done and I was shocked when he became an emergency worker and he said he has already seen it all. He never brags, he risks his life every day and saves lives without comment. There no need to the big man act, his actions are boasted on. He is humble.

I'm a therapist and is this really was life threatening then the fight, flight or freeze kicks in. People have literally no conscious control over this, the primitive brain takes over so sone will stay and fight. Sone freeze, play dead and sone flee. Often the persons reaction confuses them. I've worked with people who did fight back a man with a gun, people that have frozen during an attack and people that have ran and not cared for others. It's literally primitive and infiltrated in that situation no one would know their response.
However the day to day comments that he's stronger than you etc are more suspicious.
Is he generally poor in self esteem do you think, could he have responses with flight in the armed forces ans the guilt shame he feels now makes him try and feel better about himself maybe? That's the big I personally find stranger. He doesn't seem overly caring op

So he saw it coming, could have warned you, but chose to save himself and leave you to it. He will never have your back. You can never again rely on or respect him. And he'll probably double down on the "big man" act to compensate for his punctured ego.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you exactly who he is. It may be the biggest favour he'll ever do you.

He is absolutely going to bring it up again with a rewritten version of history like the narcissistic twerp he is. I do hope you challenge him on this and if he can't stop being a prat ltb!

""I'm a therapist and is this really was life threatening then the fight, flight or freeze kicks in. People have literally no conscious control over this, the primitive brain takes over so sone will stay and fight. Sone freeze, play dead and sone flee""

Army training obviously isn't what it used to be. That's the point of it, your trained in how to react and generally you go into team mode. Even my Dad in the Merchant Navy, men I've known to work on building sites etc go into team saving mode.

So just out of interest, what does Army training consist of?
H&S in the Merchant/Navy these days?

He sounds like a moron, all these bad and dangerous decisions.

Wondering if he may have learning difficulties, because this is just beyond the pale.

I don’t want to insult people with LD by the comparison, I am sure ferocious bravery doesn’t discriminate.

I'm a therapist and is this really was life threatening then the fight, flight or freeze kicks in. People have literally no conscious control over this, the primitive brain takes over so sone will stay and fight. Sone freeze, play dead and sone flee

True, initially but it's also true that you can train yourself to override these instincts. Similar to what is suggested in The Gift of Fear. You can sometimes get out of the freeze state if it's not too overwhelming, and move elsewhere or flee, othertimes you can't or there's few possibilities (or you can't think as your brain is disrupted). It's very important to know that gut responses and instinctive reactions are incredibly strong but sometimes you can overcome them to act in a different way. I teach my girls this to keep them safe and it's the same in self-defence, move slowly and calmly away from the threat, ask others for help, attract attention. That doesn't mean it would work every time and the threat may be so large you can't do anything and that's not your fault, but people can and do override the primitive brain all the time.

Honestly op, I’d confront him with what you said here (all of it) and you’ll know from his reaction. If he sheepishly admits that maybe you have a point and he’ll tone it down in future (and thanks you for your own bravery in the situation), then maybe he just made a mistake. Fine.

but we all know he won’t. He’ll double down and get defensive. So at that point I reckon you can tell him to his face that he’s a coward and you want a man who can live up to the hype. Then gtfo out of there.

Well, that’s my prediction anyway…. Please update us! :)

OP, regardless.of whether he could actually help his instinct to flee, he's given you the major ick (and rightfully so imo). You don't need others to agree with you - you can leave a relationship at ANY time and for ANY reason. You don't need us to validate your feelings (though the overwhelming majority are from what I can see)!

I'm so sorry you had to go through what sounds like a terrible incident and that you're hurt. But on top of all that you discovered your big brave soldier is actually a coward.

You'll make the right decision re soldier man and in your own time.

Actually you know what, forget giving him another chance to explain. Just leave him, but first do what another poster suggested and present your events to the local paper, complete with his own statement about what happened. “Thank god my partner Soldier Boy saw the danger immediately and got out quickly so I didn’t need to worry about him” 😜

the ladies in your community deserve to now what a catch he is not when you throw him back. Otherwise I bet he gives everyone a different version 🙂‍↔️

I haven't RTFT but I've read all your comments OP.

Even taking out the whole past/back story of his military background, ego, disrespect and bullying over the years. The fact is you (as a collective group and you personally) were in danger and his first instinct was to run away and not even try to help.
Or warn you/communicate anything etc (I'm not sure I'd believe him saying he saw what was coming- sounds like part of his God complex).

That's the bit I couldn't get past, never mind that he sounds a complete knob.

This would give me the hugest ick ever.
Fair play to you not even mentioning it. I'd have absolutely by now asked him what last night was all about.
That's all you have to say 'so x what happened last night then?' And see what he says.

I would be simmering mad that he has had the audacity to have gone on and on over the years how 'brave' he is which is a turnoff in itself to run off in a time of crisis.

I remember when the Batman cinema massacre happened and a guy left his fiance and young children in the cinema and sprinted out himself. I think they ended up getting married as well eventually - god knows how. How could you ever look at your partner again knowing not only that they'd abandoned you but their actual children as well in a life or death crisis.

He sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old (apologies to all the 5 year olds more mature than him). You sound amazing OP, yet he has been belittling and manipulating you for years. Speaking that way about your Dad is beyond vile. Tell your family and friends the whole truth, and get them onside. Then throw him back 💐

He absolutely is a coward! He'd never be bragging in front of me again.

I'm sorry your Partner is such a coward, especially in the light of him boasting about being Ramboesque.

None of knows how we will react in sudden and extreme risk or danger, until it happens.

I did a cowardly thing once by running out of a house when I thought a gas boiler was going to explode, but then a couple of metres down the garden path, remembered sleeping son and went back in and grabbed him.

I still feel ashamed that my instinct was to get out of the house -even thought it was only for a few seconds before I realised that I needed to get son.

Re Army, there are various family members who have Served, {WW1 &2}

One I only realised when he had died had been awarded a MC and George Medal- He had sustained a life affecting injury in saving the men around him- yet he never once said he was ''Brave''.

I'm glad you survived, @Notacoward and your partner dissing your Father's Rank is appalling- I'd throw this one back.

They let me go. I think they were using me to rob my father but since he scarpered, they realised it hadn’t worked. My father being nowhere in sight, I was looked after by some very kind ladies whom I took for nuns ( I was not used to Islamic dress codes) and eventually my father returned with a policeman in tow.

His reaction (freeze, then flee) chimes with the therapist pp who commented.

I think everyone has said all that needs saying regarding your partner.

so wish you a speedy recovery x

Yep sounds like a wimp. What a turn off.

Fucking hell. I'm so, so sorry. Jesus Christ this is the worst thing I've read on the Internet today, and Trump is President.

God almighty, I wish I could give little girl you hugs and tea and biscuits. Urgh! I hope you've got a fucking fantastic life.

No doubt he will be puffing his chest out and claiming he was a brave boy because he 'managed to escape' the danger 🙄

"I've been doubting myself and thinking I'm weak for years."

On the contrary OP, you're actually mentally strong having survived his put downs for years. If there is any weakness it is due to being ground down by him.

I was trying to reply to the OP but think they have disabled their account.
I hope they get back to us to let us know they've kicked this wan£er to the kerb. Hopefully, involving a Hi Karate stance - which he fled from, emanating a high pitched screech and flapping hands back to his Mums who now lives near Herefordshire (wink). Only to be enraged to find she's cleared out his ToyStory themed bedroom (all contents moved intact from previous Family home in Merthyr Tydfil) to lodge an Asylum seeker and asked why can't he stay at the 'Veterans' secret accommodation; the one he'd told her he could access i.e the luxurious Penthouse with Bulletproof windows overlooking the Thames with beautiful East European (female - to all intents and purposes) double agents on tap - given his Service Record. Unfortunately, nearest available room may be in the Falklands - involving multiple layovers and strapped into back of cargo plane (they'll give you a sick bag, multiple changes of Camo trousers and Tesco meal deal) with sheep pen at other end - rather than Union Jack club in Waterloo.

This is BS!

We are trained to overcome this in many professions.